Women Who Choose The Wrong Man Over And Over Usually Have These 11 Self-Defeating Habits
Using the same methods to find love won't get different results.
HTeam / Shutterstock It's painful to watch someone you care about fail to learn from her mistakes and keep choosing the wrong guy to fall in love with time and time again. Seeing a loved one repeatedly put themselves in bad situations can be frustrating, as you try to offer them your best advice and comforting ear. But at the end of the day, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink, and women who choose the wrong man over and over usually have self-defeating habits that keep them stuck in the same sad and lonely place.
Many women find themselves repeatedly in the same toxic situations with men because it's all they know. They also likely repeat behaviors and choices that keep drawing them back into those men's arms. Although each man may look different, their hearts and intentions remain the same.
Women who choose the wrong man over and over again usually have these 11 self-defeating habits
1. They mistake intensity with intimacy
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Women who find themselves in the same situations as they were in their last relationship don't learn from their mistakes and continue to interchange intensity with intimacy. Just because she really hit it off on a first date with a guy doesn't mean that they're bound to be together. Two people can have great chemistry, but they may also be in different phases of their lives and not be ready for a relationship.
Chemistry does not equal compatibility. As Sheila Robinson-Kiss, a licensed clinical social worker, puts it, "Relationships are successful to the extent we can get our needs met. Needs frequently go unmet when people are not compatible matches because they are ill-equipped to meet their partner's needs on an organic level."
2. They ignore red flags
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Women who find themselves choosing the wrong man over and over again usually ignore their red flags because they see potential in them. This kind of mindset is what ultimately damages a relationship. Instead of facing their flaws and problems, these types of women believe they can simply go away, which is rarely the case unless the man is actively working on himself.
When a woman begins to ignore the small red flags in a guy, she builds endurance for the big ones, such as screaming during a confrontation or even not trusting her when she goes out with her friends. Once a woman gets used to these terrible behaviors, she starts to make herself believe that it's normal, when really she should start planning a way out.
3. They overgive to prove their worthiness
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When a woman doesn't know what healthy love looks like, she starts to give pieces of herself and her dignity to him in exchange for staying, and if she doesn't learn how to break out of this toxic behavior, she'll start to think it's the only way. This type of woman is also likely someone who gives too much of herself to a man who doesn't even let her into his heart, making their relationship a one-way street.
"And when you’re the sole person investing in the relationship, it not only drains you but also throws off the balance necessary for a healthy relationship," Dr. Mark Travers says. For this woman to break this self-defeating habit, she needs to start observing how she feels before and after she overgives. Does it help her feel appreciated, or does it do the opposite and make her feel drained and forgotten?
4. They romanticize fixing someone
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This is a common self-defeating behavior that women who choose the wrong man over and over again never seem to learn from. You're not supposed to be in a relationship with a man whom you need to fix in order for it to work. It should work right from the start. There's no guarantee that he will get better. If anything, focusing too much on a man's personal development will negatively impact their own.
Everyone should be able to fix their own problems instead of relying on others to do it for them. That doesn't mean you shouldn't support a loved one who's going through a rough patch, but knowing that they're not going to drag you into their problems and make you just as miserable as they are is the key difference.
Don't treat people as if they were an injured animal. Simple as that.
5. They equate loneliness with failure
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Women who feel they're a failure when they're not with someone tend to move quickly from one relationship to another just to feel a sense of belonging, leaving no time to actually work on themselves and figure out what they want from a relationship. This type of woman can't seem to find happiness on her own, which suggests a larger problem.
Just because someone is alone shouldn't mean that they're lonely. Often, people discover a great deal about themselves and what they truly seek in life when they're alone for a while. Choosing to spend time in solitude allows you to recharge and reconnect with yourself. You need time to work through emotions so that when you get back into a relationship, you feel grounded rather than drained.
6. They ignore intuition to avoid conflict
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Many have a gut feeling when they know things might go wrong, and to avoid conflict, they might choose to ignore that feeling, which is a self-defeating habit, and it never works out in their favor in the end. Women tend to be highly intuitive, and if someone chooses to ignore the fact that their body is telling them to run, they are deliberately walking into a situation that they might not get out of.
This woman might think she's protecting her peace when, in reality, she's doing the exact opposite. For example, a woman might have a gut feeling that her significant other is cheating on her, but since she doesn't have any proof and doesn't want to start a fight, she chooses to ignore it. Months go by, and suddenly he comes back home with the scent of another woman on him. Learning to lead with your intuition can save you from future emotional wounds.
7. They believe love is difficult
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Many women who have self-defeating habits often believe that being someone should be a problematic experience with its own ups and downs, when in reality it shouldn't be hard at all, unless you're both trying to decide on what to eat for dinner. Love isn't fighting every other day, and love isn't supposed to make you feel like you're walking on eggshells every time you try to bring up something that hurt your feelings.
A relationship shouldn't feel as though it's your second job. A woman should be coming home from work, excited to be in the arms of her partner, knowing he'll take away all her stress from the outside world, not add to it.
8. They're willing to settle
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When a woman convinces herself that there's no one out there better than the current partner she has, even though he might be toxic for her, she's letting herself down. This rings especially true for older women who don't think that there's a man their age who is still looking for love and can treat them better. There are always plenty of fish in the sea.
Society pressures people, especially women, to lower their standards to find someone. Being alone for a while and holding out for a relationship that genuinely feels right and brings happiness to both people is a worthwhile risk. Accepting someone's flaws should feel natural and not like you're sacrificing your happiness.
9. They choose partners based on familiarity
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When a woman chooses to be in a relationship with a man because he feels and acts familiar to the men in her past relationships, it not only stunts her personal growth but is also a self-defeating habit. This is a lot more common than people realize. It's easier to be with someone who feels familiar because it pulls them back into their old, comfortable habits. When this becomes a repetitive cycle, it's difficult to see it for what it is: stepping back into the same toxic patterns and behaviors as the last relationship.
When a woman steps back into a familiar relationship, she often convinces herself that she's being loved and is in love, which isn't always the case. It's important to be honest with yourself and confront your own actions. Are you really happy, or are you just used to being treated the same in every relationship?
10. They accept gifts in place of apologies
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Communication is essential in a healthy relationship, but when a woman starts accepting gifts as tokens of forgiveness rather than having an actual conversation, it is a sign that she has become accustomed to this self-defeating habit. Being given flowers is always a nice gesture, but when a man finds it easier to spend his money on gifts than to own up to his actions and admit he's sorry, gifts start to feel inauthentic.
These gifts can range from chocolates from the local grocery store to a brand new car. Being able to say no to a gift is the first step to breaking this toxic and manipulative behavior.
11. They choose a partner based on attraction and not respect
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Many relationships may start to form based on physical attraction, but it's important to make sure there's more there than just that. Women who stay with men because they're simply interested or attracted to them but don't respect them or give them what they need from a relationship are often women who tend to pick the wrong guy, time and time again.
Your partner should always respect you and treat you exactly how you deserve to be treated. If they don't do these simple things, they probably don't view you as their equal.
These types of self-defeating behaviors are essential to spot so that they can then be fixed. Giving yourself time to grow into a better version of yourself will allow you to see your past mistakes, and once you do, you'll never go back to the type of people who let you down and treated you terribly. By treating yourself exactly as you deserve to be treated, you're welcoming people into your life who are capable of doing the same.
Doreen Albuerne is a writer with a bachelor's degree in journalism, covering relationships, mental health, and lifestyle topics.
