When We Started 'Swinging' It Was Either Go Big Or Go Home

And, man, did we go BIG!

Last updated on Oct 18, 2022

couple at bar New Africa / Shutterstock

Here is my brief story of entering the swinger lifestyle.

Until recently my husband and I had never seriously considered swinging. It had come up in passing when discussing fantasies, but that was pretty much it.

Then we had a few weeks of intense discussion and spent a brief amount of time doing some reading online, and eventually, I agreed to go to a swinger's club. We researched various clubs in our state, selected one, and headed there with the full intention of finding a couple for a full swap.


And after an interesting evening, the mission was accomplished.

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So why did we take this 'jumping into the deep end approach?

My husband says it is because we are engineers, and therefore expect that once the necessary data has been analyzed and a decision reached, we are all in.

Maybe we're just impulsive. Maybe I would have wimped out otherwise. Maybe it's because we went to mega-State U and were raised to believe that if you are going to do something do it big or don’t do it at all.

From what I have learned since starting to swing, apparently, this “Go Big Or Go Home” approach is NOT the most common. 


If you are new or just considering swinging, you are probably in the majority if you take a more gradual approach.

In discussions with people we’ve met in the lifestyle, I’ve learned a lot. Apparently, a lot of people discuss this for years. Some people research it online for months and months and discuss and consider all angles.

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And it never occurred to me that some people might just use the fantasy of swinging to improve their relationship without ever actually giving it a try, but apparently, they do.

A lot of people also get into the lifestyle by being "converted" by someone they know.


They have a threesome or start with light playing with a friend or maybe just watch a porn movie with friends and that leads them down the swinger path. Alas, we are apparently too vanilla-seeming for anyone to have ever tried that one on me or Mr. Scarlet.

At the time we had our first playdate, I also had no idea about the number of websites out there to meet people for non-monogamous sex.

I’d, of course, heard ads for Ashley Madison but was always rather disgusted with it being a website for finding people to cheat with.

I hadn't yet come across Kasidie or other websites for finding swinger companions. It also never occurred to me to try to meet people on a website like Craigslist because, in my experience using that website for more mundane topics, many of the contacts seem to be viruses or scams or worse.


Since I hadn’t yet happened upon the matchmaking sites, I also didn’t realize the level of variety that exists in regards to what people do in the swinger lifestyle.

My assumption was that either you had sex with other people or you didn’t. If you didn’t you were monogamous. The fact that you might just check out a club and watch others or have same-room sex never occurred to me.

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The fact that people have various comfort levels and interests or deal with jealousy differently has been interesting for me to process.


I will say that the “Go Big Or Go Home” method worked for us and we've had a grand time so far.

But I can also understand why so many prefer the more gradual approach of just sticking your big toe in.

Either way, you have a lot of options, and they can ALL be fun.

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Ms. Scarlet writes about love, atypical marriage, and being part of the swinging lifestyle.