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Every man has it in him to be the best husband possible.
By Mitzi Bockmann
Last updated on Jan 18, 2024
It’s the goal of every married man to be a truly great husband. And that’s an admirable goal.
Unfortunately, many men try to be truly great husbands but they just don’t know how. They throw things at the wall, hoping to see what sticks — what it is that will make him a truly great husband in his wife’s eyes. More often than not, unfortunately, the things that are thrown at the wall don’t stick.
But there are certain things men should know about their wives that will provide insight into keeping her happy, on good days and bad. And that's the kind of information that will keep your marriage strong.
Here are 5 things every great husband knows about his wife.
1. What she needs when she's emotional
There's a great video called It's Not About The Nail. In the video, a woman is trying to tell her boyfriend that she's struggling. She has pain in her head that's relentless, and she isn’t sure what to do about it.
Her boyfriend, who sees a nail in her forehead, suggests taking the nail out. His girlfriend gets mad. Why? Because she didn’t want him to try to fix her problem — she just wanted him to listen and empathize. So, his efforts to help only got him into big trouble. Not the goal.
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So, let me ask you: what does your wife need when she's emotional? This is a very important question to know the answer to. Every woman is different but here are a few suggestions:
- Recognize that they are mad/sad/angry with your words.
- Listen to them and hear what they are saying.
- Ask what you can do to help them in the moment.
- Give them space.
- Hug them.
- Ask them if they want you to try to help them fix what is happening.
Those are just a few of many things that truly great husbands can do in the face of their wife’s emotions.
So, how do you find out what your wife needs when she's emotional? You ask her!
When things are good, perhaps when you're having morning coffee or an evening drink, you ask your wife what she wants from you when she's struggling. If she's in a good place, instead of actively emotional, she should be able to tell you what she needs.
Once she does, repeat those things back to her. Or, even better, write them down. That way, next time she's upset, you have the tools at hand to help her.
2. What she wants him to do without asking
This should be an easy one, but many men who strive to be truly great husbands struggle with it.
Wives don’t like to nag and men don’t like to be nagged. As a result, women stay silent about what they want to be done, and men try to stay out of the way. And everyone ends up feeling resentful.
One thing a truly great husband does is know what his wife needs him to do so he can do those things without her asking. And he knows when she wants them done so he can do them in a timely manner.
Many men are tasked with taking out the garbage and they do so as a matter of habit, so it shouldn’t be that hard to develop habits around other things. Perhaps it’s keeping the garage organized, putting clothes in the hamper, doing the dishes in the sink, making sure the oil is changed in the car, or being the parent in charge every Wednesday.
Of course, every family is different, so it’s important that spouses work together to define the things she wants you to do without her asking. And not only knowing what they need done, but when.
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Many women are able to clarify what they need, but expressing when they need it done is harder. So, when her man does what he's supposed to do, but not when she needs him to do it, he gets in trouble.
Go talk to your wife and ask her what she would like done on a regular basis. She might not know right away, but ask her to think about it and you can circle back when she's ready. Be a truly great husband.
3. Her love language
Her love language is something every great husband knows about his wife. Gary Chapman’s 5 Love Language system posits that everyone has five ways that they want to be loved: acts of service, gift giving, words of affirmation, physical touch and quality time.
When we give our person the love they want in the language they want, they feel loved. Ideally. Unfortunately, many of us love someone the way that we want to be loved, not what they need to feel loved. As a result, no one feels loved and everyone is unhappy.
For example, if a wife's love language is quality time and her husband's is physical touch, they may both give each other acts of service, genuinely trying to do nice things for each other. However, their individual love languages are not being spoken, so neither one feels loved.
Take the 5 Love Languages Quiz with your wife so you can learn each other’s love languages. If you're going to make an effort to make your wife feel loved, make sure you take actions that will actually work.
4. Her schedule
This is a big one and one that many men and husbands miss. Wives like to have their husbands know their schedules.
Be honest — does your wife have your schedule down pat? Does she know where you will be, what you have scheduled for next Tuesday, and when you have a phone date with your mother? Does this, generally, feel pretty good, knowing that someone has your back and will help you be where you need to be and get what you need to get done?
Be honest again — how much of your wife’s schedule do you know? If she forgot that she had to run carpool on Tuesday, would you know to either remind her or do the pick-up for her? If she had a girl’s night out planned, would you know that you had to be home without being told a bunch of times?
Maybe not? How do you think this feels for her — knowing that no one has her back and that she's on her own to get things done?
Photo: Andrea Piacquadio / Pexels
Make an effort to know your wife’s schedule. Perhaps every Sunday night you sit down and review the week. Make sure that you both know what the other has scheduled and what you can do to support them. That way, for the rest of the week she will know that you have her back — and that will make her feel loved.
5. What kind of flowers she likes
When all is said and done, women love to get flowers. Whether it’s from their parents, friends, kids, or partners, flowers look lovely, smell great and make women feel loved and appreciated.
Of course, the act of giving flowers is a wonderful one and credit should be given where credit is due. But, if you pay attention to the kind of flowers your wife likes and deliver them accordingly, you will get extra bonus points. She will know that you pay attention to what she likes and that makes a woman feel truly adored.
There is a theme about the things listed above. In each of them, the husband sees his wife.
He recognizes what she needs, what she wants, how she needs to be loved, what she needs support with, and what special thing her husband can do to make her feel special.
This isn’t a man who throws things against the wall, seeing what sticks. Not reading a list about things women, in general, like and trying to apply those things to his wife. A truly great husband pays attention to his wife and knows who she is and acts accordingly.
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Mitzi Bockmann is an NYC-based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate who works exclusively with women to help them be all they want to be. Her bylines have appeared on The Good Men Project, MSN, PopSugar, Prevention, Huffington Post, and Psych Central, among many others.