7 Ways To Keep Yourself Safe From 'Shark' Lawyers Who Want To Get Rich Off Your Divorce

Who knows better how to divorce well than a divorce attorney? Nobody. They see the worst and the best of separations, divorces, and custody battles. Laurence Wilson is no exception. In fact, he's been compiling insights to write a divorce guidebook his entire legal career.

For 50 years, Larry helped more than 4,000 divorcing couples to separate amicably, encouraging collaboration and cooperation rather than competition and heartbreak that only adds stress to families (while making the attorneys a lot of money!).

Larry joined the Getting Open podcast to talk about how he encourages separating and divorcing couples to display kindness, decency, integrity, generosity, and gratitude to one another, as explored in his book, Own Your Own Divorce.

Seven ways to protect yourself from shark lawyers during your divorce

1. It's OK to feel lost, but don't let a shark prey on that feeling

You had the best intentions and the highest of hopes. You worked and tried so hard, but now it looks like the end is near. The marriage is failing, and you have no clue what to do.

This is totally normal. When you have become entwined with your spouse, unraveling is going to feel like you are in an unknown and unmapped emotional landscape. The problem arises when a predatory divorce attorney uses your feelings of loss, shame or confusion in order to exploit you.

They often step up with promises to "make things right" for you and commit to guiding you through the process so you don't feel lost. Try to resist that compelling sales pitch! Slow your process and find someone you can trust to also help you keep your inner peace (and your money!).

2. Find the right match in a lawyer or mediator

Good divorce lawyers will resonate with the client's needs, and they will be appropriate for the case. Some cases require litigation due to all sorts of horrible things that can happen in divorce. You have to find a high-quality litigator for that.

But some cases need a kind, gentle lawyer or mediator who will help repair the damage. Wilson found that some of those divorces, while being separated out in a peaceful manner, can even be reconciled!

Regardless of your plan, people need to find the right type of lawyer or mediator for their situation.

3. The 'divorce industrial complex' is real, and you need to outsmart it

In a capitalist system, the juiciest catch is the one with a lot of conflict. Out of greed, the "divorce industry complex", as Wilson calls it, was born. It is filled with lawyers who want to separate you from your money, not help you move forward. They profit from your suffering.

They are the disruptors, the insiders, and the conflict creators from the divorce industrial complex, who were just looking to profit from conflict. There are a lot of good lawyers out there, but not everybody can find good lawyers. And not everybody can separate the good from the bad, especially if they choose representation out of a place of desperation.

Divorce should be getting easier and cheaper. The divorce rates are coming down, and there are more "no-fault divorces" in most places, and Wilson insists that, in normal economic situations, this would mean people spend less hiring an attorney. Sadly, that has not been the case.

Wilson explains that, in order for lawyers to get wealthy from divorce cases, they had to get more aggressive, cause more problems, and create more tension. This drives up billable hours — and their paychecks.

4. Know that you don't always need an attorney

Yes, a divorce attorney is saying this!

There are other options, such as:

DIY: You do your own divorce. No attorney. This is very challenging because the court system is in collusion with unethical lawyers and has made it difficult to get your own divorce. There are lots of papers. The court is intentionally opaque. It's not the least bit transparent. You might save money, but you will spend time.
Mediation: You pay someone to try to talk it out for you, but they are going to come with all their own biases. Biases that can delay the process for the mediators' profit.
Collaborative divorce: a mediator doesn't represent either of the couple. They don't have a lawyer. The mediator is a facilitator helping them communicate and come to a deal.
Participation agreement: focused only on settlement. The lawyers both agree that if either one of them takes the case to court, both lawyers will be fired.

All of these could happen instead of litigation.

5. Look for a lawyer who wants you and your ex to be collaborative

Lawyers make less money when they quickly get to peacemaking. There's an inherent conflict between client and attorney in divorces. Many attorneys will leverage this conflict to perpetuate the case for more billable hours. All while doing it under the guise of due diligence and giving you "the best support".

So, when interviewing people to represent you, try to observe their energy and their words. Do they say things like, "You deserve a big settlement?" or "Don't worry, we'll get him!"? Are they over-confident and stationed in a very showy office? While none of these things guarantee someone is a shark, they are early clues you can piece together.

Trust your gut and explain up front what you want — collaboration and little to no conflict. See how the attorney reacts!

6. Ask for precisely what you want and say 'no' to extras

How do you encourage lawyers to constantly be peacemakers and not overdo due diligence

The only way to do this is for the people going through this process to be well informed and to kindly but with assertion, say no:

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No, I don't need the last seven years of documents looked at.
No, I don't need this extra work.
No, I don't need these extra people (like a forensic accountant, for instance, who are usually only needed in complicated financial situations or with very wealthy people)

You can say, "What I need is precisely this." You can ask for precisely what you need when you're well-informed.

7. Ask yourself the following questions:

You have to read the reviews, but it is also crucial to ask yourself the following questions when looking for a divorce lawyer:

How bright is the attorney? This is about their strategic intelligence.
Are they capable of listening to you?
Do you feel like you're talking to a professor or your grandfather?
How is their emotional intelligence?
Do they get easily triggered?
Are they going to be dramatic?
Is the lawyer's drama going to cost you more money?
Do you respect this person?
Are they taking you to the path of your best self?

8. Remember to lead with kindness

It is common to lead with indifference when you have run out of love. Yet, the best way forward through your divorce and into your better future is to lead with kindness.

You never know, in 5, 10, 15 years down the road, you and your ex could meet on the sidewalk. If your divorce was led with kindness, you both will be able to look each other in the eye and smile.

Will Curtis is YourTango's expert editor. Will has over 14 years of experience as an editor covering relationships, spirituality, and human interest topics.