4 Ways To Build A Marriage That Works For You, Even If It Freaks Other People Out
You get to write your own rules.
Galina Kovalenko via Shutterstock So-called experts try to sell the idea that there is one way to do marriage successfully, and people love to believe it's true. Whether that's following an ideology or a set of rules, humans crave a sense of control over the most uncontrollable things in life.
Andrea Miller is always curious about what makes relationships work and what makes good relationships better, so she sat down with a couple who have made a compromise to share their relational journey. Getting Open invited Starter Marriage podcasters to share what they have learned as a couple.
The Starter Marriage podcast examines the societal impact and personal aspects of marriage. Their exploration seeks to understand the evolving nature of marriage in contemporary society, questioning if it's patriarchal, a trap, or an institution with new possibilities. The trick to being successful, ultimately, is finding your own way, even if it doesn't look like society wants it to.
Here are four ways to build a marriage that works for you, even if it freaks other people out:
1. Always be direct
You must hear the hard feedback and resist reacting. Instead, focus on responding. Reacting will elevate the negative stress for both partners.
When you get a piece of hard feedback from someone that you love, your instinctual reaction is to just react. Defensiveness and denial, and all that, it is a form of self-protection. You see your side of it. That is all.
What comes out of your mouth next is not really what you want to say. Instead of just immediately saying, "That's wrong," take time to hear what they have to say. It's a valid context, and it deserves your attention before you respond.
Other people might be shocked by how direct you are in your relationship. But their old-fashioned habits of dancing around the truth, keeping secrets and laying down a trail of hints instead of being direct isn't always the best.
2. Account for hormones
Recognize when your body and brain are flooded with hormones that activate you. When you receive hard feedback from your partner, your body is flooded with hormones like cortisol.
Resist the urge to react. Instead, believe what your partner says, and don't expect passive-aggressive behavior to resolve the issue. After you recognize the hormonal stress response, decide how you want to respond to the hard feedback. This helps keep you from reacting in anger or descending into a "tit for tat" relationship.
You can also account for hormones during your monthly cycle, as you age, and at other times when you might feel pumped up. This isn't just about estrogen! This is also about testosterone and every other horomone, all of which can influence how we feel! Yes, that's an unpopular opinion (for some!) but meaningful to relationships where people truly want to be their best selfs.
3. Be mindful of the set and the setting
Lomb via Shutterstock
Be mindful about the delivery of your feedback and responses to feedback, rather than just censoring yourself completely. We often start or respond in the rush of the moment before heading out the door, and this is never a good time for giving our complete attention.
No topic can be off limits, but there can be topics that need to be dealt with much more gently, and perhaps not as often, and with a lot of consideration and aftercare. If someone's already agitated, if it's like you're already rushing out the door to somewhere, you know, you want to do it during a time and space where you have the time and energy to address it fully.
Some people may find this tactic upsetting, as it often means taking a break from important conversations. But as long as you set a time to get back to the topics that matter, so nobody feels abandoned, taking a break can make all the difference.
4. Come from a place of concern
Approach all big conversations from concern, not critique. Approach them in a way you believe they can hear best. Criticism tends to close people, not open them. They are less likely to say something.
If they're not saying something, it's like there's a third party in a relationship. It doesn't have to be a secret. There is still resistance. But having the intention to think of how to tell them in a way they can hear, and a way that shows concern for their well-being, is more likely to be heard.
Keeping things to yourself is part of how we are taught to be good in relationships, but it's not always the best way to go. Sometimes you need to voice your feelings, fears and opinions. The trick is to do it kindly and come from a place of empathy.
Using these rules, you can resist conforming to norms for relationships and establish your own rules, your relationship outside of the norms that are designed to make people conform, etc.
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