7 Unexpected Parts Of Getting Divorced In Your 50s That Younger Couples Rarely Think About
Jasteri | Shutterstock Divorce statistics may be highest for people under 50, but the divorce rate for those over 50 has practically doubled since 1990. And for those over 50 who are ending a second or third marriage, the statistics are even worse. Life after a divorce at 50 is unique, in both its immediate consequences and future outlook.
The upward trend of divorce after 50, led by the Baby Boomer generation, has been so dramatic that it now has its own epithet: gray divorce. Obviously, there are characteristics unique to people and marriages in the 50+ stage of life. Those who married in their 20s or 30s have history and probably children together. Many spouses have been together for more than half their lives, making their lives and coping with divorce at 50 a veritable unraveling of a lifetime.
As life expectancies continue to climb and gender roles continue to equalize, there are more opportunities for individuals to grow. There are also more opportunities for them to grow apart, which contributes to their reasons for divorce. (A testament, perhaps, to the fragility of relationships and the need to invest in their sustainability.)
By the time people reach middle age, children are beginning to leave home. And, while the idea of traveling, downsizing, or redecorating may appeal to empty-nesters, the idea of life without the glue of “the kids” may not be so appealing. That final drop-off at college orientation can hit home in a stark way if spouses have left their marriage on the back burner for a generation.
Consider, as well, that more women are working outside the home, and there is now less stigma attached to being divorced and remaining single. Even dating over 50 has become normal. Divorce is always a journey of excavation and rebuilding. But life after a divorce at 50 has some characteristics unique to the age of the spouses parting ways, and many of those characteristics come as a surprise.
Any divorce will have the primary focus of children and the division of assets. But dealing with divorce late in life will involve unique considerations for both parties going forward, even if the children are grown and gone.
Here are the 7 unexpected parts of getting divorced in your 50s that younger couples rarely think about:
1. It will affect the children
Children are not immune to the effects of divorce just because they may have left home by the time their parents split. In fact, it is often the older children who have a more difficult time compared to their younger siblings still at home.
While the younger children adapt to the gradual, daily changes, older children who have left home experience those changes in big chunks. And in their eyes, it may all just be “too weird.” Moral of the story? Don’t assume that you are sparing the children by waiting to divorce if your marriage really needs to end.
Even adult children process the split in ways their parents often don't expect. Couples therapist Jed Diamond points out that, "You can come out of a loss either passing on your suffering to the next generation or not, and the way you handle the divorce in front of your kids becomes part of the mindset they carry into their own relationships."
2. The divorce process is tedious
Prostock-studio / Shutterstock
Even in the most amicable divorces, the process takes an emotional and financial toll. When divorcing late in life, there are usually more assets, and the money spent on attorneys hired to fairly divide them can take a big slice out of what both partners walk away with.
Divorce coach Karen Covy stresses how easily the emotional weight can sabotage the realistic decisions you need to make during this process. She advised that "you have to learn to control your emotions, not let your emotions control you." The people who make it to the other side of divorce mostly unscathed are the ones who gave themselves the space to feel without acting on every emotional flare-up.
3. Your finances will take a hit
Life after a divorce at 50 can be especially challenging, financially. By the time two people have spent a couple of decades or more together, their finances are fairly complicated. There is usually increased wealth, but a contrasting decrease in the ability to recover from financial setbacks after a breakup. There simply isn’t enough time left to make up for what could be lost, both in the divorce and in future investments.
There are also social security benefits, pension plans, and retirement plans to consider. It’s not just their current value that matters, but their future value and the age, health, and future earning potential of both parties. There are also tax considerations to take into account when dividing and distributing assets, especially retirement funds.
Both parties and their attorneys must have a full inventory of assets and debts. Living in a community property state can mean a rude awakening to a partner who hasn’t been as involved in the financial details of the marriage as the other partner. Having both an attorney and a financial advisor on board can help with understanding your options and planning for a future with limited earning years left.
4. The job market will be a challenge
This is especially difficult for women who have devoted their marital lives to raising children or supporting husbands in demanding careers. The job market can be bleak. Starting life after a divorce at 50 can be like starting a race on the final lap.
“How am I going to make enough money to survive? I’ll be working the rest of my life!" is a sentiment that many people feel, but the story we tell ourselves is the hardest obstacle to get over, not the actual job market. "You don't have to believe you're over the hill because your next chapter could be the most exciting one yet," life coach Suzy Rosenstein reminds us.
5. Being alone again is painful
fizkes / Shutterstock
Even if the marriage wasn’t a happy one, adjusting to life alone can be painful. By this late stage in life, many couples have been together longer than they have ever been without one another, and some have never been alone. If there are children involved, having to share custody will mean they're not around all the time. This can add to the loneliness.
Divorce coach Liza Caldwell shared her own experience, "I look back at my journals now and wish I had let this girl know she would be okay in the end. At the time, though, I was in a dark place full of doubt and fear. But you won't feel like this forever, I promise; it will get better. You will smile and laugh again. You will regain control of your emotions and your finances, and your career and your life will be yours again. It won't happen overnight, but it will happen."
6. You might lose friends
You wouldn’t think your friends would bail just when you need them most, but divorce can divide more than just marriages and assets. It is not unusual for married friends to drift away after your divorce, or for divorced friends to compare your circumstances to theirs.
Being proactive about expanding your networks can help to ensure that you have both a support group and a social group as you go through your divorce and start your new life. The social fallout of a long-marriage divorce can be extremely isolating, even if your friends are physically present. Marriage and family therapist Frances Patton says that after ending a 30-year marriage, "Some of my friends gave me the benefit of the doubt. Others didn't, and that hurts."
7. The cost of living goes up
Of all the “shockers” to starting a life after a divorce at 50, the most hard-hitting tends to be the financial devastation left in the wake of the split. From basic living expenses to insurance and the IRS, the cost of living per person favors the married.
Women tend to take a harder hit. After a divorce, women recover emotionally more quickly than men but suffer financially much longer. Given that women still carry the majority of the responsibility for childcare, they usually don’t have the same career and earning opportunities.
Women also live longer than men, which means they may be living longer with less. Despite the negative consequences of divorcing later in life, there is the unexpected benefit of having a fresh start and getting to create what you want.
By going into your divorce with your eyes wide open and your financial matters, advisors, and support system in place, you can push forward into a new comfort zone. You can create a meaningful and fulfilling life after a divorce at 50 or more.
Dr. Karen Finn is a divorce and life coach who helps her clients adjust to life after divorce. Her writing has appeared on MSN, Yahoo! & eHarmony, among others.
