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Set yourself up for success.
By Orna & Matthew Walters — Last updated on Nov 19, 2023
You’ve met a great guy and you really want to see him again. He's charming and fun, but after a few days of silence you wonder if you should text him again.
Just because a guy is charming doesn’t mean he's an ideal match for you (or that he's looking for a relationship with you). But if you communicate the right way early on, you can learn quickly whether he's a good match.
That's why it's important to establish who you are and what you need — and the best time to do that is when you're casually getting to know a guy that you like. So, establish who you are early on by following a few communication rules.
Here are 9 rules to follow to turn casual conversations into deep, unconditional love.
1. Keep your texts simple.
Text communication is best used for logistical information:
"What time are we meeting on Saturday?"
"I’m parking the car and I’ll see you in a few."
"I’m seated in the back of the café."
Emojis have made it easier to express emotion via text, but there's very little nuance or subtlety in a heart or a smiley face. Any conversation that is important should happen either face to face or on the phone.
Having important conversations via text creates too much opportunity for misinterpretation and misunderstanding because there's no tone in text. The way your mind is designed is to fill in the blanks — and this is true with every situation you’re in.
So, text communication leaves a lot of space to fill in and you're filling in the blanks along with the person on the other end. Rather than writing long, drawn-out text messages riddled with emojis, keep it simple.
2. Don't chase a guy who goes silent.
Should you text him first or wait for him to reach out to you? What if you’re free on Saturday and you want to make sure you see him?
The rules around texting can seem confusing but, in fact, they're pretty straightforward. A man who's interested in a relationship with you will pursue you for a relationship.
If he’s not reaching out to you to see you again, then reaching out to schedule a date with him will flip the energetics and possibly cause you to waste your time with a man who's not relationship ready and only wants a convenient friend with benefits.
This doesn’t mean that you can't text him first because in specific situations you’ll want to reach out to him. Letting him know that you enjoyed your last date or that you miss the sound of his voice can prompt him to reach out to you.
But if you're always the one initiating contact, then stop and see if he steps up. You’ll discover right away whether he's serious about you or not.
3. Talk on the phone more than you text.
Texting is super easy and doesn’t require much effort. That’s why a lot of guys will just text and not call you. Plus, it seems like no one takes the time to listen to a voicemail anymore.
But what if you want to hear his voice or you just don’t like texting? How do you get him to call you instead of text? The key is to inspire him to call you instead of complaining that he isn’t.
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Let him know how you feel when you hear his voice. You can be playful and let him know that you’re beginning to wonder if you remember what his voice sounds like. When he does call, let him know how much you appreciate it — he’ll change his habits quickly.
Though it might be a little nerve-racking to get on the phone and talk, it's a better way to form a connection, as opposed to texting.
4. Say what you mean and mean what you say.
In a perfect world, your soulmate will intuitively know what your needs and wants are and fulfill them without you having to ask. Holding on to this fantasy creates disappointment, frustration, and heartache. Attraction and deep love do not come with mind-reading powers.
On other hand, analyzing every little thing he does, looking for the hidden meaning in his actions, will leave you feeling confused, anxious, and frustrated.
Communication is the key to getting your needs met. Ask for what you want and need. Share with him how you feel. Talk with him about your desires and your goals in the relationship.
5. Observe a man's actions in order to learn who he is.
Most people are conflict-avoidant so keep this in mind when having discussions with the guy you’re dating.
Some may agree to your requests but never follow through. Others profess their love for you but don’t make the effort to see you regularly. He may be charming, but that doesn't mean he's right for you.
A man shows you what's important to him by his actions. As they say, actions speak louder than words. And he will make an effort to show you, rather than tell you.
He puts time, energy, and resources into the things that he values. If you're always second on his list of priorities, even though he swears how much he likes you, then maybe you aren’t as important to him as he says.
6. Face conflict with respect and expect respect in return.
Conflict and miscommunication are unavoidable in a romantic relationship. Don't iron out the bumps. The discord allows an opportunity to see if you can create a deeper connection and understanding of each other.
Avoiding conflict will just create a rift between the two of you as anger and resentment build up over time.
Ultimately, you want to be loved and appreciated as you are. This means you must speak up about issues that are uncomfortable. It's imperative to clean up your behavior when it's not kind or loving.
Conflict can be scary, but it can also be a doorway to a deeper connection if you take a mindful approach to it. Keep yourself calm and share your truth. Allow your partner to share his side.
You don’t have to agree on the issue, but if you approach conflicts with compassion and respect, you’ll feel more emotionally connected than before the disagreement.
7. Make clear whether you want help or a sympathetic ear.
Men are wired to help and to fix and the fact that a man cares about you means he wants to help you.
He’s wired to solve your problems when you bring them up. So if you want to enlist his help to solve a problem, that’s awesome. If you want him to just listen, let him know because he’ll automatically be in the mode to try and fix everything for you.
But when you aren't clear about whether you are venting or want a solution, it can cause him to become distant and feel like he isn't of much help to you. It’s OK for you to vent, and another option is to call a friend because he will instinctively start offering up suggestions and solutions to your problems.
This one communication contrast between men and women has been the downfall of many marriages. To create harmony in your relationship, evaluate your goal — are you looking for a sympathetic ear or a fixer?
8. Acknowledge and appreciate him.
Men are not reciprocal by nature. They're more focused on efficiency.
If you're taking care of something, he will not recognize the odd look on your face — that subtle hint that you would like some help. Instead, he’ll put his energy elsewhere because he sees that you are taking care of that thing.
It would never dawn on him to assist you because he sees you as a capable person. So, don’t fall into the trap of doing too much in your relationship expecting that your man will step up and help you out.
9. Share what matters to you.
Instead of withholding your desires for marriage and a family, share upfront that these are your relationship goals. You don’t have to say that you want children within the next two years on a first date but do share that being a mother is important to you.
If you scare him off, then be grateful you didn’t waste time with someone who ultimately doesn’t want the same things out of life as you do.
Photo: Katerina Holmes / Pexels
It’s not your common interests in hobbies or entertainment that will help your relationship stand the test of time. It’s the fact that the two of you are on the same page about what really matters.
When you agree about how you want to live your lives and you share the same values, then it’s easy to get back on the same page when there is a disconnect.
The dating process is a selection process that takes some time. Selecting a life partner means you must take a risk and be yourself.
If that terrifies you a little bit or a lot, you are not alone. Rather than jumping in with both feet the moment the guy across the table makes your heartstrings flutter, you can slow things down by evaluating his capacity to meet your needs.
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Orna and Matthew Walters are soulmate coaches and the founders of Create Love On Purpose. They have been featured on countless television, radio, and print outlets including NBC, Fox News, MSN, USA Networks, KPFK Radio, and with Les Brown on CBS Radio.
This article was originally published at Creating Love On Purpose. Reprinted with permission from the author.