These 11 Traits Are What Men Really Want Long-Term In A Woman, According To Psychology
You may just be the one he's looking for.
Hirurg | Canva In a society where commitment seems to be a thing of the past, what traits do men look for in women they want to be with long-term? Movies and TV series are no real help, and neither is a majority of social media and online listicles. Trying to figure out what a man wants from a life partner can be an exercise in frustration.
Pew Center Research asked why people get married or move in with a partner and found little difference between men and women. The survey showed love and companionship are the primary reasons both men and women choose to start long-term relationships, followed by the desire to have children, convenience, and finances. So the chances are good that he is looking for similar traits to you.
Here are eleven traits men want long-term in a woman, according to psychology:
1. Family-oriented
Before I get heat from people who say that not everyone is close to their family and that doesn’t make them a bad person or whatever, that goes without saying.
Let’s keep in mind that I speak from my perspective as a relationship coach who has spoken to thousands of men and a woman who values both her and my family is important when considering a long-term future.
2. Kindhearted
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I’m not quite sure how to explain this one. I feel like just the word "kindhearted" in itself gets the point across. A woman who is thoughtful, loving, and caring. Who does small things for you for no other reason than she loves you (as you do for her).
A woman who, when she smiles at you, gives you no choice but to smile back. A woman who radiates warmth from her heart. That is a woman a man would want to marry.
3. Intellectually challenging
There is no denying that someone’s looks are what initially draw us to them. It’s difficult to spot a great personality from across the room. Many a fling was built on physical attraction alone, but how long can it last?
When conversations lack depth or intrigue, we often fill our time with physical activity together, but it is impossible to build a real connection or lasting relationship with someone on that alone. Being intellectually challenging and having the ability to hold real discussions about meaningful topics will always trump shallow beauty in the long run.
4. Understanding and empathetic
Being compassionate, supportive, and encouraging towards your partner is a huge part of building a successful relationship. Nobody wants a person who is down all the time and will not support them in their endeavors or their times of need.
Research published in 2008 showed how free choice, an understanding of the situation, valuing the partner, being receptive, and responding from the heart are all needed for compassionate love to be present. Life is full of challenges that any couple will face together, particularly a married couple. Sometimes men need a shoulder to cry on, too.
5. Ambitious
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In addition to supporting and encouraging you in pursuing your own goals and dreams, she will have her own as well. A mature woman has a vision for her future and chases after it with voracity. A mature woman will be someone you can take on the world with. A partner in crime, a teammate in your relationship, and in life.
6. Consistency
Being consistent is a valuable virtue because it lets your partner know that you are who you are. You haven’t sent your “representative” to get to know them during the first couple of months of dating, but then suddenly transform once they’ve committed themselves to you.
To clarify the point, think of consistency as the opposite of volatility. If someone is unpredictable and volatile, it’s difficult to know how they will be acting towards you on a certain day, and that gets old no matter how aesthetically pleasing she is.
7. Willing to put in the effot
I'm all about giving in relationships. I believe seeing your significant other happy should also make you happy, but it is important to understand that it goes both ways.
Her putting in effort doesn’t have to be much. It can be something as simple as slipping the waiter her debit card to pay for dinner. It’s no secret that sometimes the romance wears off of longer-term relationships, but you shouldn’t let it, and neither should she. If a woman continues to do what she knows attracted you in the first place, even after she got you a long time ago, it shows she cares about keeping you around.
Side note: Equally as important is to make sure both teammates always show the other their appreciation for this effort. Feeling taken for granted can easily lead to resentment and other negative results in a relationship.
8. Similar values
This is often an extension of the family-oriented point because many times our value system comes from our upbringing — the things we find important (or not), the things we believe in strongly (or not), the way we treat others, and ourselves.
It doesn’t matter how attracted you are to someone or even how well you get along; if your values don’t align, you will always be clashing in the long term. The Journal of Family Studies explained how "Whether the relationship was formalized or not, moral consistency of values to stick together through adversity, unless the relationship became unhealthy, signified what it meant to be committed."
9. Friendly and sociable
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I know, at least for me, I enjoy being social, and I love having my girlfriend by my side. So, naturally, we find ourselves together out at events or even just bumping into people at a restaurant or bar.
No man wants to be worried about the attitude his girlfriend or wife is going to give to the friend he is trying to introduce her to. He doesn’t want her to turn up her nose or be short with them. It is important that, as his teammate in life, she is his teammate in all areas of life.
Of course, needless to say, he should possess the same qualities and extend the same courtesy to her friends, family, coworkers, and anyone else in her life he gets introduced to.
10. Sense of humor
We know how important it is to women for the man in their life to have a generally good sense of humor, but I’d argue it’s equally as important in the other direction as well. Particularly if a man has a great sense of humor, it will be lost on a woman who is too dry or stiff.
Furthermore, it could cause tension if he is often funny and joking, and she is always serious and becomes annoyed with his lighter personality. A couple needs to be able to be playful and joke around with each other. It helps lighten the mood, makes extended periods together more fun, and laughing together never gets old.
11. Loving and affectionate
For me, affection is important. Holding hands, hugs, just being physically close together. It symbolizes a connection. It’s a warm, loving feeling, and I would have a hard time building a long-term relationship with a woman who shrugs off your arm when you put it around her or always feels "separate" from me.
A 2010 study examined how affectionate messages relate to related to satisfaction, commitment, and investment in the relationship. The study revealed that giving and receiving affection positively affected commitment and satisfaction.
Needless to say, every man likely has a different "checklist" for a woman he would consider potentially making his wife someday. But my instinct tells me one would be hard-pressed to find a guy who didn’t agree with the points listed here.
James Michael Sama is an internationally recognized speaker, author, and personal development coach. He is a go-to expert on CNN, Bravo, The New York Post, The Huffington Post, The Daily Beast, CNBC, The Boston Globe, CBS, and more.
