People Usually Start Resenting Their Partner After Dealing With 8 Thoughtless Behaviors Too Long
B-D-S Piotr Marcinski / Shuttertock It’s almost impossible not to start resenting your partner when they’ve put you through too much pain over too much time. Resentment is a complex mix of negative emotions that build up when someone feels they have been mistreated or wronged, sometimes by themselves but mostly by another person.
In a marriage or romantic relationship, resentment usually develops when one partner allows the other to treat them in a way that hurts them for too long without either discussing or repairing the problem in some way. Quite often, the person doing the mistreating is simply being careless and doesn't even realize how bad things have been getting.
When people have to deal with these thoughtless behaviors for too long, there’s a good chance they’ll start resenting their partner
1. Never chipping in to help around the house or with tasks that need to be taken care of
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A relationship should be an equal partnership, but that’s not possible when one person does absolutely nothing because they've come to expect that their partner will always pick up the slack and do the work of two people.
When you always have to contribute more, you’re most likely in a seriously unhealthy one-sided relationship. It’s not hard to see why that would lead to resentment. Having to carry a greater emotional load on top of putting in more physical effort is exhausting. The imbalance feels wildly unfair, and it will probably lead to the destruction of the relationship.
2. Forgetting the things that matter to them most
Sometimes people do forget things they don’t mean to, but when it feels like a never-ending pattern, it’s probably more than just a bad memory. According to couples therapist Assael Romanelli, PhD, LCSW, some people use forgetting as a way to avoid their responsibilities. They want their partner to believe that they shouldn't be expected to do anything about things they don’t even remember.
It’s usually pretty difficult for someone to believe their partner really loves them when they act like the things that matter to them most aren’t important to make note of, and it's inevitable that resentment will eventually creep in.
3. Being told their reactions are the problem
When someone seemingly overreacts to poor behavior, it’s often because the situation they’re in has triggered them emotionally. Most people don’t blow up over things that don’t matter for no reason whatsoever very often.
Being repeatedly ignored by your partner can easily turn into an emotional trigger. Then having your reaction invalidated just makes everything worse. A person isn't causing a problem when the real issue is their partner’s behavior, but their partner will be more than happy to deflect the blame onto them.
4. Not treating them with basic decency
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As little kids, we're taught to treat even strangers with a basic level of respect. When the person who is supposed to care about you more than anyone else and always have your back can't be bothered to be respectful when they speak to you, it feels like a punch to the gut.
Being treated with respect should be an automatic part of any relationship. If that isn't the case, it's only a matter of time before the other person's stewing anger and hurt reach a boiling point. And, while the disrespectful partner might wonder what the problem is, the reaction is still completely understandable.
5. Behaving differently with other people than at home
Dealing with a two-faced partner is incredibly painful. If someone won't lift a finger to help at home but acts like the perfect spouse in public, it can be positively enraging.
This is a pretty complicated issue. It’s not only this person's lack of initiative that hurts, but also the fact that they’re clearly capable and well aware of what they should be doing, but they choose to do nothing unless other people are watching. There’s no way for someone to avoid growing resentful when their partner keeps making the decision to sit on their hands, expecting to be waited on hand and foot, when they so obviously know just how wrong that is.
6. Not doing anything unless they are given explicit instructions
You would probably expect kids to need pretty specific directions to get some things done, but the same thing shouldn’t apply to adults. No one should have to walk their partner through every step they need to take to give them the support they need.
This kind of partner is like the stereotypical man-child who can’t take care of themselves. The weaponized incompetence of someone who seems to need a parent more than they need a romantic relationship is a major cause of resentment.
7. Only thanking the other person when it's obvious they are upset or shutting down
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Gratitude shouldn’t be saved for special occasions, but some people seem to not understand that. These are the kind of people who never thank their partners for doing absolutely everything, but when it looks like they reached a breaking point and can’t or won't do any more, they suddenly find the words.
It’s not a genuine thank you if it’s said to stop someone from shutting down completely. Partners who can only show their gratitude when it benefits them are narcissistic and barely even have to try to make someone resent them.
8. Not doing the work to heal wounds they've caused
Healing is a process that takes time, and when your partner is the person who has caused you pain, it can be even more difficult to work through. Being constantly around them is hard enough when you're angry, and if they aren't willing to give you space or change their behavior to mend what was broken, it can make things even worse.
Not being willing to make yourself a safe space for the person you hurt, especially when that person is supposed to be your life partner, is one of the worst forms of emotional invalidation. Someone who does this sends a message that their need to move on is more important than the other person's right to be upset. It won’t take long for the hurt party to become resentful when their emotions aren’t being taken seriously.
Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer with a bachelor’s degree in English and Journalism who covers news, psychology, lifestyle, and human interest topics.
