14 Things People Who Are Deeply Secure Would Never Do In Their Relationship
Confidence in love isn't about what you do, but what you refuse to do.
dekazigzag | Shutterstock Having some initial anxieties about a new relationship is natural. However, having that anxiety linger is not fair to you or your partner. You want to have a happy relationship that is deeply secure. Love and bliss can indeed go hand in hand, and it's not complicated to get there.
There are many ways to feel more confident about yourself, but here's how to stop being insecure in a relationship. Take the reins or the bull by the horns (or whatever else comes to mind), and start feeling more confident. Your partner will thank you for it.
Here are 18 things deeply secure people would never do in their relationship:
1. Snoop
Emails and voicemails taken out of context can cause a lot of unnecessary heartache. Psychologist Courtney Warren, Ph.D., explained, "If you find yourself snooping, you inherently don’t trust your mate. Yet, trust is a key component of healthy romantic relationships. It’s influenced by who your partner is and by who you are, because we all bring our past learning and experiences into new relationships."
2. Compete
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It doesn't hurt for him to know that you're tall, built, a wildly successful artist friend from college periodically tells you you're the one who got away, and that it's the biggest regret of his life.
3. Play games
If something's bothering you, tell them directly. People don't know what to make of headgames. It shakes them up and gives you the upper hand.
"Manipulators run narcissistic mind games on their romantic partners like gaslighting, love bombing, ghosting, playing the victim, and scheming to get revenge on anyone who slights them," cautioned divorce attorney Karen Covy. "Because these games are meant to be subtle and sneaky, they tend to go unnoticed until you're already tangled in the twisted webs they've woven to ensnare you."
4. Not talk through things
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Having children, religious differences, whether either of you is willing to relocate for a job — these can be big problems in the future.
Therapist Susan Sait-Welch explained, "Whether you can talk through issues effectively and still maintain feeling connected afterward can deeply affect your relationship. The more comfortable you feel in talking through things will also determine in part, the stability of your relationship. It requires respecting one another’s opinions and wanting to find a middle ground that's good for both of you. It's not about who's right or wrong!"
5. Spurn affection
If your partner returns your affection, it'll make you feel confident. If not, it's time to find a new partner who is affectionate. This is especially true if your love language is touch.
6. Endlessly analyze details
If they wear the shirt their ex bought them, it may just mean it's the only clean white shirt they have that day. Overanalyzing everything only leads to paranoia.
7. Be paranoid
Paranoia is contagious, and before you know it, you'll be worrying if your partner is cheating because your friend's spouse came home smelling of Angel when they only wear Poison.
A study in the British Journal of Clinical Psychology found attachment insecurity played a role in the development and maintenance of paranoia and highlighted the need to address insecure attachment representations in treatment.
8. Give up outside interests
When you start to feel insecure, it helps to have something else to obsess over.
"You can use these outside interests to do things together (go for a hike, take a painting class, join a curling club), or use them to spend some time apart, suggested relationship coach Michael Griswold. "No matter how much you're in love, spending time apart is conducive to making a relationship healthy."
9. Put themselves down
Every time you find yourself thinking, "I don't deserve this person," change it to, "I deserve a wonderful relationship and more."
Counselor Lianne Avila warned, "It's easy to get caught in your thoughts. But what your mind says is not always true. This is known as cognitive distortion, and it causes negative thought patterns that can ruin a perfectly good relationship."
10. Become overdependent
Know how to unclog the sink and change a tire. Skills are confidence boosters. And always being dependent on another person for everything becomes a burden that no relationship can bear for long.
11. Hold emotional baggage
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If your grandma told you your sister was the pretty one or your dance teacher said you weren't graceful enough to be in the front row, it doesn't mean your partner thinks you're homely or a klutz now.
12. Fake it
Trying to maintain a façade is exhausting and confidence-eroding.
"The best way to determine whether you are on the path of fake or fearless love is to become clear about how the person you’re involved with makes you feel," advised counselor Jianny Adamo. "When you are in a healthy relationship, every part of you can be known, challenged to grow, respected, supported, and loved completely and fearlessly."
13. Pester
If they feel like you're always picking at them, they'll strike back, and it won't feel good. Constant complaining grows contempt, and contempt destroys relationships.
14. Compare relationships
The grass isn't always greener, and you never know what's going on behind closed doors. Life coach Mitzi Bockmann is precise about comparisons: "All of us, no matter how great our life is, are struggling in one way or another. So, if you are at a dinner out with friends, don’t look at the happy couple across from you and envy their marriage. They might be happy, but their lives aren’t perfect. They, too, have struggles of some form or another.
When it comes to becoming a more secure person, the Gottman Institute advised, "You can challenge your insecurities by choosing a partner with a secure attachment style, and work on developing yourself in that relationship. By facing your fears about love, you can build new styles of attachment for sustaining a satisfying, loving relationship."
The Frisky was a women's entertainment and lifestyle website, operating from 2008 until 2016.
