5 Lies People Tell Themselves At The Beginning Of A Relationship That Only Lead To Heartbreak
If you hear yourself saying these five things, it's time to break it off.
Rogério Souza | Pexels Nearly all of us have been there. We have a disastrous break-up, wonder where we went wrong, and then once the fog clears, the answer becomes obvious: We made excuses about red flags we should have taken seriously. Those early stages of a relationship can often blind us to the reality of a person's character, but when those love hormones are raging, it's hard to face the truth and much easier to lie to yourself. Therapist Jeff Guenther, aka TherapyJeff, said this often manifests in certain lies we tell ourselves during the hot and heavy early days that often spell disaster.
If you have been telling yourself these little fibs about your new beau, it might be time for a reality check. Most of us, if we're honest, realize we knew our relationship was on the wrong track long before it hit the rocks. Denial is a powerful drug, and most of us dabble in it at one point or another. And for a lot of us, the beginning of a relationship is a potent time for talking us out of what we sense in our guts. Here are five lies we tell ourselves that, according to TherapyJeff, will "bite you in the [behind] once the honeymoon is over." So if you find yourself saying these five things? Tread carefully.
1. 'Our big differences complement each other'
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Opposites attract, as the saying goes, but if you've ever been in that kind of relationship or know someone who has, you know that's often a cutesy saying and nothing more. Two people with huge gaps in common ground can rarely make it work long-term.
But the key is, part of why we convince ourselves of this is because at first it feels "spicy and exciting," in Guenther's words. You being a planner and him being a fly-by-the-seat-of-the-pants type feels thrilling and expansive while the initial crush is burning.
"But give it a year and you'll feel like you're trapped in a never-ending group project with your total opposite, and no one is getting an A," Guenther warned.
2. 'It's so hot that they get jealous'
Yeah, until he goes off because you said hello to the grocery store cashier, or she thinks you're having a conversation with your female colleague is actually you planning an affair. As Guenther put it, "that cute jealousy turns into control fast and suddenly you're dropping pins to prove you're just at brunch and not on a secret date."
There's nothing cute about jealousy, which is often an indicator of abusive tendencies or narcissism (the real, dangerous kind, not the online therapy speak kind). Don't fall for it.
3. "I don't really want to jump in bed with them, but everything else is so good."
Often, someone is perfect for us on paper, but there's simply no spark, and when that happens, it's easy to talk yourself into the idea that if you just wait long enough, the spark will be there, or maybe that it doesn't matter whether it ever shows up at all.
Guenther said this isn't typically how good, happy, fulfilling relationships actually work.
"If you have to force yourself to make out at the start, chances are it's not magically turning into rip your clothes off energy later," he said.
It's probably time to ask yourself: Do I actually believe in this potential, or do I just not want to be alone and have to start over with someone new?
4. 'It's just a phase; they'll grow out of it'
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"Babe, this isn't puberty. That phase where they constantly make fun of you or act like a different person in front of their friends? That's called their personality," Guenther said. "And spoiler: People rarely outgrow their personalities."
This includes your man's dalliance with the online "manosphere," by the way. I've personally lost count of the number of female friends who assumed that was a phase and instead found out that, oops, they're married to a virulent, controlling misogynist.
Take a cue from that Maya Angelou quote that has become a cliche for a reason: "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." (That "the first time" part gets omitted all the time, but it's the most important part of the quote!)
5. 'It's fine that all their exes are crazy'
Uh, no, it's not. One crazy ex is an anomaly. More than one is a pattern that indicates a problem with THEM, not the exes.. Guenther said people often treat these patterns like a crazy story with a "bonkers plot twist," without realizing the obvious: "You're about to be cast in the same role."
"If every ex is crazy, the common denominator isn't them, it's your new partner, and one day, you'll be the bonkers story they tell someone else," Guenther said. Don't say you haven't been warned!
John Sundholm is a writer, editor, and video personality with 20 years of experience in media and entertainment. He covers culture, mental health, and human interest topics.
