6 Surprising Ways Breaking Relationship Rules Can Actually Deepen Your Connection With Your Partner
Forget everything you know about relationships.
OG Productionz | Pexels I learned about "relationship anarchy" (RA) years ago but initially dismissed it. However, it became relevant after an intense breakup and coming out — I realized I might not fit into hetero-normative monogamy, although I suspected this before. So, what is relationship anarchy, and how do you know if it applies to you?
Relationship anarchy is defined as "...the belief that relationships should not be bound by rules aside from what the people involved mutually agree upon." It involves releasing societal rules and structures, customizing relationships to meet personal needs, whether romantic, platonic, or intimate. Research shows it emphasizes individual agency in defining and navigating relationships, allowing choices in styles and arrangements that suit personal desires. Connection and community save us. Strong, authentic relationships help you survive life's challenges and foster resilience. While RA isn't for everyone, it offers valuable lessons for all relationships.
Here are six surprising ways breaking relationship rules can actually deepen your connection with your partner:
1. You stop seeing love as something you have to ration
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When you love from a place of abundance, everything feels more attainable. You're no longer held back by constraints, rules, or a poverty mindset. Love moves freely from you into others, and vice versa.
When you believe the love you possess is finite, you come from a place of fear. Fear that you don't have enough, that you cannot be enough, that you cannot love enough to keep someone.
This creates power imbalances, creates toxic patterns, and causes people to disconnect from their friends when they find themselves in a new relationship. But if you approach your relationships knowing that love is infinite, you understand you can love all your people equally, without taking anything away from someone else.
2. You turn jealousy into a mirror instead of a weapon
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Even if you fully believe that love is abundant and that all relationships are valid and important, you'll still experience jealousy. It's a human emotion that even those in the most stable relationship will experience.
I find myself jealous in some of my friendships more often than I care to admit. The important piece is to notice your jealousy and to explore it. Instead of immediately jumping to anger, ask yourself where the jealousy is coming from.
Are you not getting a need met? Have you hit on an insecurity? How can you communicate this emotion without being accusatory?
The people you choose to engage in relationships with do not owe you anything. The sooner you realize that and can discuss your insecurities, the stronger your relationships will become.
Research suggests that while often viewed negatively, jealousy can be a valuable tool for self-reflection and understanding relationships. By acknowledging and exploring the underlying emotions linked to jealousy, individuals can gain insights into their insecurities, relationship dynamics, and even their personal needs.
3. You realize no one owes anyone their body, time, or heart
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We can all agree that you do not "own" any other person, no matter the relationship. But once in a while, when jealousy rears its head, it can feel like you owe your time, your body, and your heart to your partner.
One of my favorite parts of relationship anarchy is that I am constantly reminded that my life, my body, my heart, and my time are mine, and mine alone. I get to make decisions that put my needs first. And I know that when I value myself and my needs, my relationships benefit.
4. You build relationships around shared values — not social scripts
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Knowing what you value most highly allows you to live as your most authentic self. It also allows you to attract people into your life who match you energetically and build you up.
When you are guided by your values, you're able to let go of societal norms and expectations of you, and of your relationships. You are also far less likely to lose yourself in a relationship, as you are intimately connected to who you are and what drives you.
It's easy to get carried away with the narrative "love is enough," and you forget about compatibility, similar goals, values, and being able to enjoy each other on a daily basis. Getting to know yourself first is a key piece of building long-lasting relationships.
When partners align on core values, it can act as a guiding principle, simplify conflict resolution, and nurture respect, ultimately leading to more substantial support, compatibility, and a deeper emotional connection. A 2023 study found that value alignment can also enhance a sense of belonging and understanding, fostering a more enduring relationship.
5. You become intentional about how (and who) you love
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Don’t let society, or other people, tell you what your relationships are supposed to look or feel like. You are responsible for creating your own relationships. You are responsible for getting your needs met, both in your relationships with others and yourself.
When you create intentional relationships, you fill your life with people who support and hold you. You create a life that feels solid, even when it gets hard. You make more room for self-discovery, and for adventure and play.
6. You bring freedom and spontaneity back into your life
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As soon as I was able to let go of the narratives around relationships, I freed myself up to listen to what I truly wanted. I found a life that fit me and discovered that the people who would engage in a relationship with me would respect my choices.
With no trajectory to follow, relationship anarchy allows individuals to find their flow in relationships. To discover what makes their relationship come alive.
When you set clear boundaries and show up as your true self, you make room to explore, have an open dialogue, and be honest about what is going to create the very best relationships you could ask for.
Relationship anarchy asks you to put aside the expectations you put on yourself. It demands that you get to know yourself and create solid boundaries.
It requires you to shake off the layers of societal pressure so that you are able to figure out what you truly, authentically, want and need in order to make you, your partners, and your friends shine the brightest.
A 2018 study concluded that spontaneous gestures and interactions can bring couples closer, deepening emotional connections and strengthening the bond. Spontaneity adds a sense of adventure and excitement to relationships, helping to maintain a sense of joy and novelty, which is crucial for long-term satisfaction.
Discovering a label that fits you will give you the freedom to date how you want, make your friendships stronger, and connect with yourself in a new way. It will allow you to truly come alive and learn to love love.
Celeste Seiferling is a clinical counsellor, intimate health educator, mental health advocate, dancer, aerialist, and writer.
