4 Sneaky Phrases That Trick You Into Staying In A Relationship You Should’ve Left A Long Time Ago
simonapilollatnf | Canva You may find it hard to leave your partner or learn how to break up with someone, especially someone toxic. There are some typical distorted thoughts we use to lie to ourselves, so we need suggestions for strong self-esteem-building self-talk to combat them.
Without them, what remains is fear. Fear, this guy is as good as it gets. Fear of never finding love again. Fear of being alone with a dozen hungry cats for the rest of your life. This fear is so awful that we make excuses (cognitive distortions) to stay in a bad or even a "not good enough" relationship.
The discomfort of sticking with him is not nearly as scary as what your distorted thinking is imagining life without him is like. So you stay put. What's a person to do? Fight back those nasty, distorted, self-esteem-abusing thoughts with empowering, righteous, healthy goddess thoughts, of course.
Here are four sneaky phrases that trick you into staying in a relationship you should’ve left a long time ago:
1. 'I'm afraid of being alone'
Instead, tell yourself: "I am not alone. I'm with Me. I am good company. If I get lonely, I can check out a website or connect with friends I haven't seen in ages. Most importantly, this time is an opportunity to dive into the world of Me and, for a change, listen to my heart first rather than someone else's."
Before meeting my husband-to-be, I was in a relationship with a guy who would only show interest in me after I decided to break up with him. To get me back into his orbit, he would swear I was the love of his life. As soon as I returned, he would go cold as a dead snake on an iceberg. What made me take him back more times than was healthy for anyone's tender self-esteem?
2. 'I've invested five years in this guy; I can't start all over now.'
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Instead, tell yourself: "Imagine yourself at 50 and you're thinking, 'Why didn't I get out when I had spent only five years with this jerk instead of 25!?'"
We give ourselves a lot of reasons, but the bottom line is that when we allow a guy to treat us as less important than we really are, our self-esteem is critically injured. Once our self-worth is low, it is too easy for the ex to come over the wall of our good defenses and pillage what's left of our confidence.
Personal development coach Moira Hutchinson explained, "It's natural to experience intense emotions when a once-healthy relationship starts to deteriorate. Practice relaxation techniques or talk things over with a friend, and try to bring your emotions under control and see the situation objectively. Focus on your purpose of ending the relationship. It's kinder and more effective to be decisive than to offer false hopes of getting back together. No matter what brought you to this point, you both still deserve to be in healthy relationships."
3. 'He says he needs some time to [fill in the blank] before he can commit'
Instead, tell yourself: "What is this? A relationship or a layaway program? In the service of self-respect, I will not wait for you unless we have a mutually agreed-upon, reasonable plan. Without that, you can look me up when you are done crossing all your t's and dotting all your i's. You take your chances that, by then, I will still be interested."
4. 'He's as good as it gets'
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Instead, tell yourself: "No, babe, he's not. If being with him does not make me feel great about myself, I won't settle! This experience, as bad as it was, has not been a total waste. It's made me wiser, so when a guy who is true and kind and worthy of me does show up, I will recognize him."
"There’s a misconception out there that intimate relationships are difficult and painful at times, and that you must be willing to compromise to be happy," warned relationship coach Celine Remy. What kind of advice is that? Every time you are willing to settle for less than you know in your heart is possible, you are cheating yourself out of true love and connection."
I've counseled a lot of women who came to me to help them get unstuck from a hurtful relationship. Once they took the leap and faced their fears, they found the power to break up a bad relationship for good. The result? A whole new level of happiness and pride because the engine of their self-worth is fueled — not from the outside in, but from the inside out.
Elvira G. Aletta, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist, founder of Explore What’s Next, wife, and mom of two teenagers. Dr. Aletta is a writer whose articles have been featured on the New York Times Well blog, the Wall Street Journal Online, Parents magazine, NPR, and the BBC London Radio.
