The Art Of Romantic Gratitude: 6 Simple Habits Of Good Wives Who Are Naturally Grateful
Encourage him to be the man he wants to be.
Yan Krukau | Pexels To all the ungrateful wives out there: I don't pretend to know your life or the intimate details of your marriage. Maybe your spouse is a real piece of work, and lucky to have such a competent, smart, gorgeous wife like you to go through life alongside.
But that's probably just the way you see it, and not actually how your partner feels. Perhaps if you up and left your spouse tomorrow, they'd have a difficult time figuring out how to manage the aspects of your life and family that you take care of, but try to give them some credit.
A happy wife does not equal a happy life because it's about more than just you. And yes, it's about more than the kids. It's about your spouse, too.
I've seen wives do stuff in their marriages that needs to stop: If you constantly berate your husband, find it a chore to be intimate with him, and cause fights to get attention, then this advice is for you.
I'm not perfect. I have been guilty of these destructive behaviors. I've grown from the experience, though, and hope you can, too.
I've learned more about the effect these degrading behaviors have on men from dating than I ever did in my own marriage. Maybe because dating requires a lot of listening and exchanging of information about relationship failures. And boy have I been listening.
Six simple gabits of good wives who are naturally grateful
1. They accept their spouse for who they are
We're all guilty of wanting people to understand and accept us for who we are, yet we don't always take the time we should to try and understand them. Your efforts to try and change your spouse, to train out his annoying traits, are fruitless. Just stop it. Either learn to accept the things your partner does that annoy you, put the work in to help them change, or pull some reverse psychology on yourself and laugh it off.
Learn who your spouse is, what they love, and why. Make a sincere effort to understand who is at the core of this person you love. The more you try to understand these things, the better you will be able to empathize.
As a result, you might be less irritated when your spouse leaves dirty socks on the floor again. And you may be more likely to rationalize that, although your spouse might leave belongings strewn about the house, you haven't taken the trash out in months. Tit for tat — keep reminding yourself of that.
2. They show appreciation
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Stop being ungrateful. And stop blaming them for everything. Instead of asking your partner for more, work together to create and live the life you want so you can enjoy a happy, loving marriage.
Instead of complaining, give him the male version of what you want from him. If you want more affection and romance, and he's a sports enthusiast, take him to a football game, eat hot dogs, and laugh with him. Chances are, he will feel so connected and appreciated by you that you'll be making out on the kiss cam, and your definition of romance might shift to suddenly include crushed popcorn on the floor and overpriced beer.
Appreciation can change your marriage because it shapes the lens with which you view your spouse, flaws and all. Practicing gratitude can change your life. Start by telling each other one thing you're grateful for every night before you go to bed.
3. They negotiate playfully
This is important to remember if you're married to a man:
Men don't respond to nagging; they shut down or do the least amount possible just to get you off their backs. It's counter-productive. Instead, think about what you need from your husband. Then edit it in your mind so you use the fewest words possible to ask for it, very nicely.
As a wife, there's so much to manage — your relationship, kids, career, house — the list feels never-ending. I was guilty of being controlled by the to-do list and bringing my husband along with me for the ride. Errands, housework, do this, do that, can you fix this, take the kids here, on and on, thinking there was an end in sight.
That's why I recommend to learn his language and figuring out how to negotiate with him playfully. I thought about what a difference it makes when I ask him sweetly to finish putting together that bookshelf while I make him his favorite drink, or agree to watch the kids the next day so he can have a happy hour with his buddies.
If everything you've tried is ineffective, consider what it would feel like if he left. There you're alone, with three kids and a full-time job, and no one to nag. Bet you'd be grateful to have a partner who loaded the dishwasher at all, even if it was the "wrong" way. Let the small stuff go — it doesn't matter.
4. They know what really matters
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If something isn't done your way, do you put your. spouse down for being incapable and insist on taking over? Stop it. Figure out what really matters. Discuss the issues you simply can't let go. Ask your partner for theirs, too.
In my own marriage, I was quick to complain about my husband to my close friends and family. I felt I simply had to unload, and I needed to feel like someone could relate. Eventually, I came to understand that I was oversharing personal details about my husband and marriage because it was impossible to have the emotional connection I needed with my husband.
As hard as I tried, he seemed incapable of it, so I would compensate by seeking out that security from others. A personality disorder diagnosis later (his, not mine), it all makes more sense, and I learned that feeling like you have to go outside your marriage for anything you might need is never a good sign, and often leads to trouble.
5. They never fake it
If you've grown accustomed to faking intimacy it's a warning sign. Something is missing from your marriage, and you're cheating yourself and your spouse out of experiencing a fulfilling partnership.
Don't waste another minute settling for a ho-hum physical relationship. I know you think you've tried everything and nothing works, but you're wrong. Your partner wants to make you happy. It may take work to deal with whatever stands between you and a more intense physical connection, but it's well worth it.
Work on figuring out what your underlying problems are in the bedroom, and you will have a more fulfilling relationship overall. Is there an intimacy or trust issue? Does your partner not understand the direct link between emotional connection and physical connection for you? If there's a physiologically-based issue in your relationship, get professional help and be supportive.
Remember: as people age, their bodies and hormones change. Just as you may need more sleep as you get older, you may also need a little hormone replacement therapy or a prescription treatment. That's OK!
6. They can navigate the ups and downs of marriage
If you're miserable in your marriage and stay anyway, please consider whether or not it's fair to you, your spouse, and your kids. I was the wife who tried to work through the problems in my marriage and was propelled by my sheer determination to do what I thought was best for our children. But in the end, if you've tried and still can't be happy in your marriage, everyone might be better off figuring out the best way to uncouple and move on.
Every marriage goes through ups and downs, and that's not what I'm talking about. I'm shocked by women who have told me flat out they hate their husbands but stay because they want them to be taken care of, or vice versa.
Some women are miserable in their own lives and marriages and are jealous of others who have great relationships. Cut it out. Be happy for the rarified couple who still love each other, and use it to inspire you to work harder to create the same passion in your own marriage.
Give up the crusades to "fix" your spouse, stop leaving self-help books that you know your partner won't read, or passively-aggressively forwarding articles or videos about husbands who've changed their ways.
Take your partner's hand, look them in the eye, and describe what you need in terms they can relate to. Set small goals that you can sustain over time. Connect with your partner in ways that encourage them to respond.
Your husband or wife may not be the same person you fell in love with all those years ago. You've changed, too, and as we age, we become more set it our ways. Learn who he is now, spend time together, give them your undivided attention. Accept them and learn how you can help encourage them to have everything they want in life and in your marriage.
June Grace is a freelance writer and traveler who writes about her adventures in love, motherhood, and the relentless search for balance. Her bylines have appeared on xoJane and YourTango, as well as other parenting and working mom sites.
