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You know the "work" they say marriage takes? This is it.
By Brad Browning — Written on Aug 16, 2022
When it comes to romance, it’s easy to confuse fantasy with reality. Truth is, despite what you may see in the movies, marriages are rarely a full-time fairy tale. That said, it is important to maintain romance in a marriage.
If date nights with your spouse no longer feel special and traditionally romantic events have lost their magic, then it's time to do something about it.
Dealing with a less than the romantic husband is frustrating, especially if you’re still fighting to keep the spark alive.
Here are 8 ways to bring your marriage from "meh" to magical:
1. Set realistic expectations
Most of us are dreamers that like to see sweeping possibilities when it comes to romance. This is where the trouble lies. If you have a habit of creating unrealistic expectations for your husband, then you’re going to feel let down when those expectations aren’t met.
As much as it would be great to have him surprise you with diamonds or a romantic getaway for two, it’s not a practical expectation. What’s worse is when he does try to express his romantic side, his gestures will seem minuscule in comparison, because your expectations were too high.
Setting realistic expectations begins with you. Before you get your hopes up or wish for a romantic spectacle, consider how practical you’re being. If your husband has lost his romantic touch completely, then let him know that it's important to you that he makes an effort.
This doesn’t mean waving your phone in his face to show them how great someone else’s relationship is, but rather talking to him about the issue.
Make a point to stop comparing your relationship to other couples. Some folks are naturally romantic, but that doesn’t mean their marriage is perfect. Every marriage has its own challenges to overcome, so don’t assume everyone has it better than you.
2. Understand that he may express his love differently than you
Everyone has their own way of expressing love — and getting to know your husband is key to understanding his romantic side.
In order for you and him to learn each other’s love language, you must share with each other the kinds of things you find romantic. For instance, you may think that receiving gifts from him or a night on the town together is romantic. On the other hand, your husband may think romance is cleaning the bathroom together or snuggling on the couch.
Once you know your husband's love language, you’ll better understand his perspective when it comes to romance and you can start encouraging him to step up his game. You never know – maybe your husband thought he was being romantic all along and you just couldn’t see it his way.
3. Communicate what you REALLY want from him
Once you recognize his love language, set him up for success. To do this, identify how he's romantic in ways that you appreciate, and share those ideas with him. Communication is a key ingredient in marriage, and when it comes to romance, it’s important to be upfront and honest with one another.
Think of it as a Christmas gift. When someone asks you what you’d like for Christmas and you don’t give them any gift ideas, it’s hard for them to guess a present that will make you happy and suit your needs. On the other hand, if you do give them some ideas then chances are they will give you something you’ll really like.
Do the same thing with your husband and let him know what it is that you find romantic so that he can play off of those ideas. A good way to do this is by sending your husband playful texts with links to things you find cute, or sharing date night ideas that’d be fun to do together.
4. Show him how much you love and appreciate him
As humans, we crave appreciation. In fact, it’s one of our primary reasons for doing the things we do. A little bit of appreciation goes a long way.
Always take the time to let your husband know that you recognize his efforts and how much it means to you. When you do, he'll be quick to romance you again.
5. Keep working for his affections
Too often, married couples lose the need to make an effort to look good for their partner. When this happens, it’s a lot like saying, "We're married, I’ve already got you, so I don't have to worry about making an effort to look good for you." If you become indifferent to your appearance, your husband may have a hard time seeing you in a romantic and exciting way.
To get your husband to romance you, take the time to look good for him. This doesn’t mean you have to chronically diet or spend hundreds of dollars on expensive clothes. Rather, put in the effort and show your husband that you care by taking the time to look, feel, and smell good. You never know, it may give him the kick he needs to get romantic.
6. Laugh with him
When the routines of day-to-day life begin to take over, it’s easy to forget that playing together is as important as working together. To help bring out your husband's romantic side, learn how to laugh and have fun with him again. Whether it’s taking a drive through the country, going to the local zoo, or ordering a pizza, do things together that make you both feel light-hearted and content.
Hand-in-hand with laughing is flirting. Whether it’s been hours, days, months, or years since you last put on your flirtatious moves, let loose with your husband and get frisky. Flirting is how you won each other over in the early days, so bringing those feelings back may remind him how good it feels to be romantic.
7. Create some dedicated one-on-one time with him
When husbands and wives don't spend enough quality time together, they’re bound to grow apart. Make it a priority to set aside at least a few hours each week for the two of you to be alone together. Go for walks, see movies, sign up for various classes (dance, cooking, language, etc.) or go to dinner. Whatever you do, just do it the two of you.
At the same time, simply logging in hours together won't encourage your husband's romance. What you need to do is to focus on sharing thoughts, ideas, and activities in a way that gives your husband pleasure and draws you closer as a couple. If you want the romance, then set a tone that will entice him to act on it.
8. Tell him that you love him
A great way to get the romantic side out of your husband is by telling him how much he means to you. Saying the words "I love you" is always a good idea, and everyone appreciates being told how much they’re cared for and cherished.
At the same time, there are other ways you can tell him you love him. For example, you can share your hopes, dreams, and secret thoughts with your husband. This will make him feel closer to you and is a great way to bring out his romantic side.
You can also tell your husband how much you love being married to him and talk about the qualities that you enjoy most. Is it his terrific sense of humor or the way he welcomes you home after a long day of work?
Married couples often spend a lot of time complaining and bickering about one another's faults, so instead of focusing on the negatives, make love the centerfold of your conversation. It’s sure to get your husband feeling amorous.
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Brad Browning is a relationship coach and breakup expert from Vancouver, Canada. He has 10 years of experience working with couples to repair and improve relationships. Click here to learn about Brad's breakup and relationship coaching services.