8 Everyday Relationship Ups & Downs That People Mistake For Red Flags
Imperfections are not dealbreakers!
Andrii Medvediuk | Shutterstock As people have become more and more open about discussing mental health and relationship issues online, it seems like the definition of what is a relationship dealbreaker has shifted dramatically. Any deviation from happily ever after often gets branded as writing on the wall that the relationship is "toxic," and let's not even get into the normal personality traits that get called "narcissism."
But the simple fact of life and being human is that no relationship or person is perfect. It's all inherently messy, and ascribing deeper meaning is often just causing a problem that isn't actually a problem.
Here are 8 everyday relationship ups and downs people often mistake for red flags:
OurRitual is an online program for couples counseling that matches people with trained, professional marital and family therapists for help navigating the difficult parts of relationships. Among its clinical team is psychologist Dr. Orna Guralnik, the clinician featured on the Showtime docuseries "Couples Therapy."
In a recent post on Instagram, OurRitual shared a list of very common relationship issues that many people often see as harbingers of some deeper problem, when in reality, they are just mundane ups and downs every relationship experiences.
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"So many of us carry beliefs about relationships that come from what we saw growing up, past experiences, or even pop culture," they wrote in the post. We should add social media to that list, which has everyone convinced they have some kind of mental condition because they misplace their keys from time to time or whatever!
"These ideas can feel true because they’ve been with us for so long — but sometimes, they can hold us back from deeper connection and the growth we truly crave," they went on to say, adding that "unlearning these patterns" is what opens us up to fulfilling relationships.
1. Not being 'on' all the time
Nobody is 100% on point all the time. We all wax and wane in everything from our mood to our energy levels, and we all get distracted by whatever's going on at work or in our families. It's not necessarily a symptom of a deeper problem. It's just… life. No one is perfect, even when they are "on." If you expect them to be, that's a fault in you, not them.
NYT bestselling author and life expert Mark Manson wrote, "The most accurate metric for your love of somebody is how you feel about their flaws. If you accept them and even adore some of their shortcomings — her obsessive cleanliness, his awkward social ticks — and they can accept and even adore some of your shortcomings, well, that’s a sign of true intimacy."
2. Feeling close one day and off the next.
Much like our lives, our relationships ebb and flow, too. It's one thing to slowly but surely drift apart. But even our closest friendships have those really intense moments of connection and those other ones where it's hard to think of things to talk about. The same is true of our committed partnerships. It's all cyclical.
3. One person is in a funk.
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OurRitual pointed out that many of us feel that as soon as our partner is in a weird place, we have to fix it, because we think it has some deeper meaning or has the potential for ruin. Most of the time, though, it's just a mood that will pass. We all have them, and sometimes they just need to run their course.
4. Having mismatched energy levels.
People often tend to think this means that the relationship is out of sync in some fundamental, irreparable way, and it can be at times. But most of the time, it's just part of the normal fluctuations of life that work themselves out. Even when it's not, there are usually ways a couple can work with and around these discrepancies. They don't have to be dealbreakers.
5. Giving the benefit of the doubt.
One of the best pieces of advice I've ever gotten from a therapist was, "assume good intentions." Obviously, there are times when that's very clearly foolish, but life is full of ambiguous moments, and it's a tendency among many of us to automatically assume a lack of clarity means something negative — that offhanded comment must have been a dig, or the delay in response to that text message must be disrespect.
Most of the time, though, it's just the regular foibles of being human, and starting from that premise avoids a lot of drama, both internally and in our relationships.
6. Time apart doesn't mean anything's wrong.
Everyone needs their alone time, and different people need different amounts. Introverts, neurodivergent people, and many of those with a history of trauma, for example, tend to "recharge" by spending time in solitude, whereas extroverts "recharge" in the exact opposite way, by socializing. It's just one of the many distinctions among people.
An extreme difference might be a problem, but more often than not, the only issue is that some people needlessly take it personally. But some people just need to retreat for a minute, and that's okay.
7. Saying 'thank you' for the everyday things.
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It's easy to get into a rhythm with a partner, especially over time, where you kind of take each other for granted, and the only time appreciation is shown is at big events like birthdays or holidays. But showing appreciation for the little, everyday things in a relationship can go a long way to making both partners feel heard and wanted, which bolsters your connection.
8. Sleeping better in different beds.
If you're even remotely a light sleeper, sharing a bed is a recipe for a sleepless night, period. So why do we view the so-called "sleep divorce" like it's a real, true rupture? Some people just need their own space to get any rest! (Can you tell I am one of these people? GET OUT OF MY BED.)
Being sleep deprived sets off a cascade of negative outcomes, including ones that impact mood and mental health, which in turn can have major impacts on relationships. It's hard not to snap at your partner when your nerves are fried because you haven't slept in weeks… or years.
And as for the elephant in the room — intimacy — the lack of spontaneity that separate bedrooms implies is only a problem if you allow it to be. Separate bedrooms may not work for everyone, but it's not inherently an issue like we've been primed culturally to believe. Ask anyone whose marriage has been saved by it!
John Sundholm is a writer, editor, and video personality with 20 years of experience in media and entertainment. He covers culture, mental health, and human interest topics.
