4 Relationship Experts Reveal How To Know If You're Good At Intimacy

Without an emotional connection, true intimacy is a lost cause.

couple cuddling in bed Diego Zarulli / Shutterstock

Intimacy is not merely about sex. Although it is about that, too!

What many people think of as "intimacy" might more accurately be described as lust. That's the physical side, the chemical side, and — if you're fortunate — the wild side of intimacy.

But there is a quiet side, an unspoken connection between people that arises from the kind of intimacy that, when channeled properly, has the potential to lift us to emotional heights otherwise unattainable. We're talking about a level of intimacy so profound, so deep, it transcends the natural human condition of cold isolation.


It's a place of warmth, peace, of compassion, and kindness. It's the co-mingling of the best parts of us with the best parts of the people we cherish.

If you're really good at forging intimacy, you'll know the joy of an emotional bond with no limits. So, how do you know if you're any good at it?

We sought the insight of a panel of YourTango Experts. Here's what they told us about how to be good at intimacy.

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Here, four relationship experts reveal how to know if you're good at intimacy:

1. You have natural charisma — and your partners can't get enough

Here are a few ways to know that you're good at intimacy:

When your lovers tell you that you make them feel adored, happy, and peaceful because these feelings are the result of consistent oxytocin that is generated through the deep intimacy that you are creating.  

Your former lovers keep coming back hoping to hook up again and again because when you’re great at intimacy they never want to let go.

When you look deeply and lovingly into your partner’s eyes, you mean it and they feel it.

You notice that you attract two kinds of partners: the ones who are also great at creating a deep level of intimacy and the ones who are clueless and desperate to be loved. And yes, you need to learn to tell the difference fast.


People fall in love with you even before you have sex because they feel your amazing magnetic personality, appreciation and blissful affection.

You receive a few or even a lot of marriage proposals before you’re 40 because you are catnip, baby!

Susan Allan, founder, the Marriage Forum Inc.

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2. You are willing to lose an argument with your significant other

The major sign that you are great at intimacy is your ability to drop a subject, bury that insight you just had that could hurt your loved one, and your abilities to compromise rather than win the argument.

You are aware of how different at many basic levels even true lovers are and you would rather be at peace with a loved one than force your point.


The final sign that you are great at intimacy is often the relief on the other person's face as he or she realizes you are not out to always win, but rather to show love, trust, and a willingness to give in when it makes sense.

All of the above capacities translate into plenty of intimate situations. Why? Because you will be seen as someone who can be deeply loved and trusted. In the right settings, intimacy is sure to follow.

- Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein, positive psychologist, filmmaker

RELATED: 5 Warning Signs Your Relationship Lacks Intimacy

3. You feel at peace in every way with your loved one

Intimacy is one of the most vital components and pillars of any relationship. Here are a few signs that one is great at intimacy:

  • You appreciate nonsexual intimacy — Nonsexual intimacy is the least talked about and underrated component of intimacy. A couple who enjoys nonsexual intimacy with each other creates a mutual bond that takes their relationship to the next level. Non-sexual intimacy includes cuddling, kissing, and even a gentle massage.
  • You demonstrate trust and acceptance of your partner — Intimacy is often a byproduct of the overall emotional bond that you share with the person. Understanding each other's silences and nonverbal expressions is a true sign of knowing each other. One can be original and raw without any fear of being judged. 
  • Sexual intimacy is relaxing and joyous to you and your partner — Often in sexual intimacy, verbal communication is quite less and both need to be super proactive to understand each other sexual intimacy likes and dislikes. Overall sexual intimacy should be relaxing and enjoyable for both. 

- Sidhharrth S Kumaar, astro numerologist and relationship coach

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4. You see clearly the potential greatness within your relationship

There are many levels of intimacy, from the lowest level which looks like a brief handshake void of any eye contact, to the highest level which is a display of complete authenticity, vulnerability, radical honesty, attunement, and courage.

Being great at intimacy does not necessarily mean you have achieved the highest level possible, but it does mean that you recognize in yourself and in others what is possible between you.


Our ability to be intimate with another will never be any greater than the lowest common denominator. Therefore, if a handshake and no eye contact is the best one capable of at the time, this is where we must meet them.

If someone is capable of “courageous intimacy,” which is that ability to be fully seen and revealed, and an excitement to learn and grow from the encounter coupled with the ability to hold that treasured space with someone who can and desires to meet you where you show all the signs that you are great at intimacy.

FYI: We know when we have attained this level, even if brief in its duration, because it is here where serendipity, co-creation, and the most wonderful bliss blossom uncontrollably.

Larry Michel, love shepherd and founder of the Institute of Genetic Energetics


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Carter Gaddis is the senior editor for Experts & Wellness with YourTango.