4 Honest Reasons You're Still Single (That May Be Hard To Hear)

Maybe it's not just the guys you're dating.

Single independent woman BenAkiba, ZM | Canva

More and more, I am surrounded by women over 35 years of age who want to get married but cannot find a suitable partner.

They have heard the best places to go for singles over 35, have been set up on numerous blind dates, have joined online dating, and still don’t have a ring on their finger. These women are educated, have great jobs, and great homes, are gorgeous, and would make the perfect wives.


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So what’s really wrong?

When I talk with these women, many think the problem may be with the guys. Guys in their age range want younger, less established women, or cougars who are self-made and don’t need the guy’s financial backing or his ability to procreate in order to share a life together.



But if I take a bit longer and talk more in-depth with these women, then I begin to see that it may not be the men at all.


It may, in fact, be the way these women are feeling toward themselves or what they are projecting outward that is limiting their ability to find a suitable partner for marriage.

Many of us don’t understand that how we feel inside really does project on the outside. If you feel cynical, judgmental, or unhappy, no matter how much your latest haircut, manicurist, trainer, or diet fad costs, your looks will reflect how you feel. If you have been let down by men beginning with your dad when you were six, or by your boyfriend who got stolen from you when you were 17 years old and you never resolved it, then you will attract a man who gets stolen from you or abandons you time after time.

When a man becomes interested in you, they take a look at you and already know their destiny. There are things you have to look at within yourself whenever you are seeking something or someone. These thoughts are often the reason most women over 35 who want to get married are not.

Here are four honest reasons that you're still single that may be hard to hear:

1. Life has taught you to be critical.

Men are emotional beings just as women are. They enjoy sex, but they want to build a life with women who are kind and loving. Men like a confident woman who is capable of loving herself and others. Men do not like mean women. If a man is drawn to a mean woman, it says more about his family of origin than it does about the woman. Be careful… do you want to be with a man who likes mean women? Really?


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2. Your standard of measurement is askew.

Often, women who want to marry but aren’t married are still looking for someone cute. Sexual attraction is important, but in regards to a husband, what is most important are honesty and character. One study referenced in my blog reported that the healthiest marriages were those where the woman was the looker, not the guy.


If you have a particular “cute level” they must achieve, you need to look in the mirror again with your makeup washed off, because this is the way your husband will see you each morning.

3. You're not honest with yourself.

The majority of single women over 35 who want to be married are in relationships with people that they don’t really love or see a future with. They lie to these guys and tell them such things as, “Yeah, it's okay if we don’t get married.” But they're only hurting themselves by not being honest about what they really need.

They move in with him and begin a life, many times committing years of their lives to a man who is never going to commit to them because they are afraid if they tell him the truth he will leave. If you want to get married, make it known, be authentic up front, and don’t settle for someone who is still trying to flirt with everything he sees.

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4. You don’t like yourself.

Women who are single and over a certain age become very self-focused. They begin to see all of their flaws (especially with looks). The world becomes totally centered on them. The more this happens, the more they repel others.

Soon, they find themselves alone and begin to think they don’t deserve anyone. When a man is looking for a wife, any vibes of self-hate come through loud and clear. Somehow they get that you cannot possibly love them any more than you can love yourself. If you disgust you, how can you possibly love them?

The only reason to get married is because you have decided that this person brings out the very best in you and you in them. The thought of not sharing your life with them is worse than the thought of losing everything else in your life. It takes that kind of commitment from both of you.




Marriage is a lifestyle; the vows are sacred. Prepare yourself to be a good partner instead of focusing on how messed up single guys/women are over 35 years of age.

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Mary Jo Rapini MEd, LPC is a psychotherapist, author, speaker, and intimacy and sex counselor.