7 Reasons Your Relationships Will Be So Much Better Post-Divorce
No need to fear finding a relationship after divorce.
KOTOIMAGES/ Shutterstock Many people are stuck in loveless, lonely marriages, but fear that if they divorce, they won’t be able to meet anyone else. They are scared that they are no longer as attractive as they once were, or that nobody will want to deal with their “baggage,” meaning kids, financial issues, mortgages, and all the emotional/physical health issues that are part and parcel of getting older.
Certainly, the clients that I have seen that are dating after divorce do struggle with finding a good match.
But once they do find someone that they “click” with, these relationships (which often lead to second marriages) are often far healthier, stronger, and more fulfilling than any other type of relationship.
Here are the top 7 reasons your relationships will be so much better post-divorce:
1. People are more self-reflective after divorce
Nobody wants to be divorced twice, so most people have done a lot of introspection about their own contribution to the dissolution of their marriages. (If they haven’t, and if they say it was all the other person’s fault, this is a red flag!) Therefore, they go into their post-divorce relationships with a spirit of collaboration and the ability to not only notice their own flaws but to proactively work on them.
2. People are more tolerant after divorce
If you divorced your husband because he was unfaithful, and you know that is your dealbreaker in future relationships, then that’s great. But most people only have a few real dealbreakers of this nature in post-divorce relationships.
A lot of criteria that you deemed "essential" in a mate when you were younger no longer seem so important after all. If your partner doesn’t make as much money as you’d wish, or you don’t have the same taste in hobbies, it no longer seems like a matter of life or death.
3. Conversely, you know what matters to you
If you spent the entirety of your first marriage wishing your husband was more emotionally open, then you know that you are just not meant to be with someone who is emotionally closed off.
You will likely recognize this trait right away when you’re dating, and hone in on the guys who are romantic and emotionally vulnerable. (Many women actually do get divorced for this reason, which is why sensitive guys do so well on the dating market after divorce!)
4. Divorce is a great humbler
Most people are not as arrogant or self-absorbed after divorce.
They are scared that they messed up their kids somehow, that they are no longer financially secure or that they aren’t co-parenting well. They have seen themselves act poorly during the divorce process when their anger levels were high, and they can no longer feel that they can look down on others.
And of course, divorce is nothing that anyone plans for or hopes for, so the fact that you got divorced at all casts doubt on your original ability to choose the "right" partner. This humbling makes for people who find it easier to get along with others in relationships because they no longer think they are always right.
5. You realize time is ticking
Most divorced people are acutely aware that they are no longer bright-eyed and bushy-tailed young adults with a whole life stretching ahead of them. It is their second rodeo, and they want to make the most of the time allotted to them.
That’s why when most divorced people find someone they think is "the one," they don’t wait very long to make it official, whether formally or informally. Marriage, living together, or making big plans (e.g. travel) generally comes sooner than with people who have not been divorced already.
6. You are likely to meet a partner more similar to you in the second go-round
Firstly, they may have met through hobbies or common interests, and second, they recognize "kindred spirits" when they spot them.
Many people subconsciously are drawn to the yin to their yang when they are planning to raise kids; it seems like a good idea to complement one another and provide a full range of personality traits/behaviors for children. But when you are no longer looking to have kids as your primary goal (even if that’s unstated, or even if it’s just an evolutionary imperative when you’re younger), it no longer becomes important to find your opposite. Instead, it can be a lot easier and more harmonious to find someone who just "gets" you.
7. You have more of an appreciation of the "in love" feeling
When you are younger, you take for granted that you can feel that "butterflies" feeling with many people you might meet, and sexual attraction is common.
When you’ve already been in a marriage that didn’t work, you have witnessed firsthand that sexual attraction can erode over time, and you have been on many dates that didn’t give you any flutter of romantic feeling.
When you finally find romance and sexual attraction with someone, it feels like a gift that should not be taken for granted. Most people try harder to maintain their chemistry within their second marriage, prioritizing alone time and working actively to focus on their sex lives and romantic connection.
If you’re single post-divorce, then use this post to feel more optimistic about your relationship prospects. And if you are in a marriage headed toward divorce, and you feel you’ve done everything you can to save it, perhaps this can provide some comfort and address some of the insecurities you feel about pulling the trigger. And till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, There Are Positives To Everything, Including Divorce.
Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten, aka Dr. Psych Mom, is a clinical psychologist in private practice and the founder of DrPsychMom. She works with adults and couples in her group practice Best Life Behavioral Health.