A 90-Year-Old Rabbi Shares 5 Secrets To A Marriage That Gets Better With Age
Steve Skjold | Shutterstock We live in a youth-obsessed society that can make us feel like our most precious years are slipping away. In our society, it can feel like we're running out of time, especially if there are important milestones we haven't reached by a certain age. But growing old is not something to fear.
The New York Times published a piece called 6 Reasons To Grow Old, based on advice from Joshua O. Haberman, a 90-year-old rabbi. Sure, your skin may sag, and your hands may shake, but growing old comes with great benefits, especially if you have someone to share your time with. In addition to Haberman's observations, we've come up with five reasons it's a blessing to grow old together.
A 90-year-old rabbi shares five secrets to a marriage that gets better with age:
1. You stop searching for love because it's already beside you
You no longer attempt to find your perfect love or 'the one' because you've already found them. "You have achieved in old age what you have wanted to if you're fortunate," explained Rabbi Haberman.
Marriage and family therapist Marni Feuerman added, "Healthy relationships in which couples age gracefully into old age together are balanced and reciprocal. There should be a feeling of equality regarding the effort you each make to create a successful union. For instance, you should both take an interest in each other, show gratitude for each other, and hold each other in high regard."
2. You accept your partner's flaws
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You learn that you can't change your husband or wife — and you don't have to. Rabbi Haberman talks about liberation from the compulsion to set everyone else straight. "We get less frantic and less pushy in advanced age," he said.
"Seeing someone is a gift, and telling them you see greatness in them helps build their confidence and self-esteem," explained relationship coach Melody Chadamoyo. "This helps them to love and appreciate you more. Truth with kindness is magical."
3. You become more conscious of the little things that make your partner great
Rabbi Haberman said, "One of the most important marks of maturity is gratitude. We're more conscious of the little favors people do."
Psychologist Sharon Saline suggested, "Sometimes people get down on themselves and allow critical self-talk to take over. When that happens, it’s all too easy to get stuck in a cycle of negativity and over-focus on what’s wrong or missing in your life. Practicing gratitude helps spotlight what’s going well to counteract those troubling emotions."
4. You have more time to spend with your favorite person
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You've retired so you can take the vacations you always wanted to, you can spend hours talking — or being silent — with one another, and you can bask in the love of your children (if you chose to have them) and grandchildren.
Throughout your relationship, "make it a point to sit down with your partner, at least once every year, and recount how you met," advised relationship coach Mitzi Bockmann. "Tell each other your story from each of your unique perspectives, reminding yourselves why and how you fell in love."
5. You learn to appreciate your partner more than ever
"Now that my supply of time has shrunk, I appreciate far more each day, each hour, every bit of new knowledge, and every moment with people I care for," said Rabbi Haberman.
Isn't this the most romantic thing you've ever read? Love can be the most complicated thing in the world, but at the end of the day, we just want someone to grow old with.
Sarah Harrison is an editor and content strategist whose work has appeared in The Guardian, Vice, The New York Times, The Independent, and Psychology Today.
