The Quick Fix That Can Instantly Make Your Partner Feel At Ease & Prevent A Fight
There's a giant elephant in your room, and your relationship won't be healthy until you see it.
Scopio via Canva When we become unhappy in marriage, we tend to focus on how our partner has become more and more remote to the point we don't know what to do about the relationship anymore.
We talk to our spouses about their behavior, they promise to change and actively try for a few weeks. Then, the behavior starts up again. This pattern repeats over and over until you might feel you're at wit’s end and start wondering if it is time to get divorced.
Yet, how often do you ask what has your behavior been like in the relationship? Healthy relationships are loving and supportive, both people work as part of a team when it comes to being a parent, or facing a problem. ;So, is your partner confident they have your love and respect?
If your answer is “Um, no, I am always frustrated and persistently nagging and berating them", then this is your 'ah-ha!' moment!
The quick fix that can instantly make your partner feel at ease.
In most relationships, fighting happens. After all, relationships are between two people who are different from each other. They might complement each other and share the same perspectives on things but, the reality is that they aren’t the same people and they think about things differently.
As a result, they fight. And this is okay.
What isn’t okay is when those fights happen over and over, often about the same topic. And, because a fight ensues instead of addressing the topic itself, the issue never gets resolved and the pattern repeats.
In an ideal world, when there is an issue at hand, a couple would discuss what is happening to prevent starting a fight,. Those issues can be put to bed, and the couple isn’t left with a bad taste in their mouths about their partner.
So, how can this happen? What is the quick fix that can instantly make your partner feel at ease and prevent an unnecessary fight?
Take responsibility for your role in any problem that presents itself.
I am guessing, right now, you are taken aback, thinking to yourself this is ridiculous, the issues you and your partner fight about are all their fault. Why should you take any blame for what is happening when it’s all about them not about you?
And I get that.
Think back to the last fight you had and take yourself through the steps that led to the blow up.
A client I have realized her husband’s behavior was, at least partially, a result of her own. They both want the relationship to work and make every effort to do so but both of their behaviors come into play.
My client’s husband is naturally a remote person but, at the beginning of their relationship, he was quite loving. As they had kids together, things changed. He pulled back, working together with her to raise the kids efficiently, but shutting himself off emotionally. She blamed his parents for this behavior and believed that it wouldn’t change.
And then, after talking to me, she realized his behavior was, to some extent, the result of her behaviors. He truly wanted to make change and get close to her again and he did try to do so. But, she didn’t change her behavior in turn.
As my client's husband worked to work become less distant and more affectionate, she continued to take issue with his parenting skills and his behavior towards her and treated him with disdain.
Can you blame someone for not being able to change their behavior while you aren't looking at your behavior at all?
My client got off the phone with me and told her husband that she realized what she was doing. That her need to control their hectic lives, and his ability to keep up, was leading her to treat him with disrespect and disdain and she recognized that. He immediately softened towards her because she recognized her part in their issues.
My client didn’t take blame for what was happening in the relationship but she did accept her role in their difficulties and this gave him the room at accept his role and it gave them both the opportunity to make change.
My client and her husband have made big strides forward in their marriage because of their being willing to acknowledge their individual roles in an issue and thereby preventing the issues from descending down to the chaos of a fight.
So, how about you? Do you take responsibility for your part in an issue or do you stick to your belief that every issue that arises is your partners fault? Do you focus on blame in your fight instead of getting to the issue at hand? Does your partner do the same?
As they say, “it takes two to tango.”
This old phrase means that there must be two people to dance and it can also mean that it takes two people to fight and each person brings their own stuff into each one that happens.
Imagine if, when an issue arises, instead of attacking your person for their behavior and their inability to make change or stop doing things a certain way, you take responsibility for your behaviors. Imagine what it would be like if, instead of your partner attacking you for your weaknesses, they acknowledged their own. Would that deescalate your anger? I am guessing yes, it would.
So, take some time, right now, to think about the role you play in the issues that arise in your house. If you can understand what your behaviors are, no matter how small, then, next time a fight ensues, you can acknowledge them to your partner, deflating the anger in the room, and instead work to resolve the issue at hand.
Wouldn’t that be better than having the same fright over and over and over again?
You have the power to stop the cycle of fighting – use it now!
Mitzi Bockmann is an NYC-based certified life coach and mental health advocate who writes dating advice for women to help them to be all that they want to be in this crazy world in which we live.