People Who Stay In Situationships With No Real Potential Usually Have These 4 Reasons
They may be understandable reasons, but they're not necessarily good ones.
Krakenimages.com | Shutterstock You know it's likely going nowhere, and you know you're hurting yourself by staying. And yet, you just can't quit the situationship. It's not unlike putting your hand on a hot stove over and over again, but while none of us would ever do that, tons of us are entangled in these dead-end relationships, especially the younger ones among us.
The term "situationship" is said to have first come to prominence in 2017, when a viral Cosmopolitan article used the term to explain those messy romantic pairings that are way more than a hook-up or "friends with benefits" but absolutely not a relationship, and probably never will be, if we're honest. Think Hannah and Adam on "Girls," Kristen Wiig and Jon Hamm's characters in "Bridesmaids," and the ne plus ultra of situationships, Big and Carrie on "Sex and the City," though that one did eventually turn into a marriage, to be fair. But only after Big jilted Carrie at the altar!
By very definition, what makes a situationship a situationship is that you want more than what you're getting. Worse still, the other party usually KNOWS you want more and just kinda doesn't care. So what's the deal?
A new study by researchers at Baylor and Florida State University dug into the topic by holding in-depth interviews with subjects who were mostly female and between the ages of 18-30, the prime demo for this relationship type, which has become far more common among Gen Z. They found that the subjects' reasons for not walking away came down to one or more of four general reasons.
1. They are basically being delusional
Sorry, but the truth hurts. The study found that a large number of subjects said they maintained their situationship because they either believed they were exclusive, even though the topic had never even been discussed, or because they were confident that if they just hung in there, the situationship would make the jump to exclusive.
As an old, I can tell you two things about these kinds of relationships, especially if you are a person with the misfortune to be attracted to men: One, if he wanted to, he would; and two, a leopard doesn't change its spots. Girl, get up.
2. They are stuck in the investment theory, aka the sunk cost fallacy
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Another major factor study subjects identified? They'd already invested so much emotional time and energy in the hopes that the relationship would blossom that they felt they had to hang in there and see it through.
This is known as "investment theory," the psychological counterpart to the better-known "sunk cost fallacy," an idea that originated in the business world to describe the way people often hang onto a bad investment because of all the money they've already put into it, despite the fact that it's draining their wallet.
Basically, in either case, it's like walking into quicksand because you've already hiked three hours and don't want to turn around and bail. You can probably guess where this is going... Just because you've spent tons of energy trying to land them doesn't change the fact that they're giving you very little in return. Again, I say unto you: Girl, get up.
3. Some of their emotional needs are being met, or the 'social exchange theory'
This is probably the most understandable reason: The scientists found that a significant number of subjects were indeed having some emotional needs met, even if the deal was incomplete, and that made it worth staying.
This is central to the Hannah/Adam dynamic on "Girls." Hannah just wants to be validated, heard, and desired, and Adam is really good at that for whatever duration of time she's in the same room with him. That makes it easier to tolerate the fact that he takes three weeks to return a text and won't even go on a date with her.
Psychologists call this the "social exchange theory," basically a tit-for-tat approach that makes the ends justify the means, even if the ends are not exactly what you want. Something is better than nothing, after all!
4. They have a fear of rejection and being alone
This is where the rubber meets the road. Researchers found that fear and anxiety often figured heavily into people's reasons for staying in situationships, either because they worried that nobody better would come along, or because they feared the rejection involved in trying to find someone who actually was ready for commitment.
In short, it's basically that a situationship is better than being alone altogether. That's all fine and good if you have an attitude that the situationship is "good enough" until something better comes along. We all do that kind of math with all kinds of things, from stopgap jobs to temporary housing.
But it's easy to become the architect of your own demise. I once had a situationship with a guy whose reticence about going on actual dates I just couldn't figure out, until it one day dawned on me he didn't want to be seen with me in public because I didn't fit his "image." He usually dated models.
Not only did I waste a ton of time on him, but I felt humiliated once I cracked the code, and the blow to my self-esteem made me wary of everyone I met for a long time thereafter. The emotional and physical benefits were real, but the overall impact was not. I'd have been much better off alone.
In the end, the most important part of a situationship is your motivation for being in one. Even Carrie Bradshaw understood that "the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself." And not even she let her messy situationship come between that.
John Sundholm is a writer, editor, and video personality with 20 years of experience in media and entertainment. He covers culture, mental health, and human interest topics.
