People Who Keep Going Back To Someone Who Hurts Them Usually Struggle Hard With 6 Specific Things
Dity Kvitiv | Shutterstock “Why do you keep going back to them?” Sound familiar? It’s a question I heard many times when I was in a toxic relationship. But how do you explain to them? How do you answer that?
Telling my friends and family that I still loved them and knew that they would change fell on deaf ears. And rightfully so, because it wasn’t them that I was trying to convince, but rather myself.
It’s hard to see when you are in it, mainly because we don’t really want to admit that the person you love does not love you as they should. But going back to someone who continues to mistreat us is like taking a gun and shooting off our own toes and then wondering why we are stumbling through life.
It was a long journey for me, but after I came through the other side, it’s amazing what peace I found. So here is a little piece of my heart, and 6 pieces of wisdom about getting back with an ex that I learned along the way.
People who keep going back to someone toxic usually struggle with a few things:
1. They've forgotten their self-worth
When we start to lose our self-worth, we also lose our boundaries and understanding of what is healthy and right. Dating someone who is destroying you will only continue to drain you of your energy and self-value, simply because it’s a one-sided relationship and you will be the one making all the effort.
When someone takes advantage of your generous nature, feelings, or heart, they begin to hold power over you that makes you crave them even more. The more someone takes, the more we think we are needed and wanted. But a toxic relationship isn't about give and take at all. It’s all about taking — leaving nothing for the giver.
2. They're thinking with their heart instead of their head
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It’s easy to do, especially when you haven’t moved on. An on-again/off-again relationship with a toxic person is usually governed by volatile emotions. This ongoing drama and chase can become an unhealthy obsession.
We think that negative attention is better than no attention at all, so we keep going back for more. Most of the time we know that it isn’t right, but we manage to convince ourselves that the love we have for them is enough of a reason to keep being abused.
3. People who keep going back to somebody bad keep hoping they'll change
The problem with living in hope is that there is no guaranteed outcome. In some circumstances, people do change, and breakthroughs happen, but instead of comparing yourself to those one-off situations, compare your relationship to what is actually healthy.
It hurts to walk away from someone you love, but it will hurt you even more to stay with someone toxic. Healthy, fulfilling relationships aren't about living in hope of what you want them to be, but about thriving and functioning in the reality of what they actually are.
4. They're seeking some sort of closure
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While there are still raw emotions and unfinished business between you, it’s normal to keep going back. However, every time you re-enter that toxic relationship, you create even more questions and open ends. Think of yourself as having a wound that needs to heal. Each time you reopen it, it will take longer to recover.
Sometimes closure is a luxury, and we simply have to accept that something won't happen when or how we want it to. Closure is a choice. It has nothing to do with the other person you are yearning to get it from.
5. People like this love this person more than they love themselves
Yes, you love them; this is clear — but loving someone who is destructive to your own self-worth is not going to get you anywhere. In these situations, the best thing you can do is love yourself with as much effort as you love them. This means removing yourself from the toxic relationship — permanently.
When toxic people see that you have enough self-respect and love to walk away, it actually gives them a great example of what love looks like. In no way does your presence give them the right to abuse you, and leaving you are can help them see that abuse should never be tolerated.
6. They're scared of letting go of someone familiar
It’s hard to let go of someone and something that is so familiar to us, even if it is for the wrong reasons. Chances are you know the drill — they hurt you, you fight, you leave, they apologize, you come back — and then it happens again and again.
The pain has become this controllable emotion, and in a way, you have become comfortable because you know what to expect. Walking into the unknown means that you don’t know what will happen next.
But that’s just the thing. We are in control of our own happiness and choices, and while we can’t always choose what happens to us, we can control our reaction to it. You deserve a safe, peaceful relationship. Don’t be afraid to take that leap of faith and walk away once and for all.
The Minds Journal is a platform that brings together writers and readers from across the world to share thoughts that promote self-development.
