People Who Don’t Realize Their Partner Is An Actual Narcissist Usually Miss 6 Under-The-Radar Signs
Dzmitryieu Dzmitry | Shutterstock If there’s one thing that I’ve seen way too much of, it’s good people in relationships with narcissistic jerks. Recently, a good friend of mine got dumped (erm, discarded) by the narcissist that she was with.
To a point, I’m not surprised because there is no such thing as a happy relationship with a narcissist. There is no such thing as a relationship that involves a true “forever” with a narcissist. They don’t do it.
Yet, people don’t talk about the damage that narcissist breakups do to others. This is doubly true when you’re talking about the effects it has on your career and your social network.
Most people think they can peg who the narcissist is in a relationship. This isn’t true. More often than not, people think the victim is the narcissist — and not the other way around. Speaking as someone who has seen and experienced narcissistic abuse first-hand and secondhand, these are the signs that almost everyone seems to ignore.
The under-the-radar signs your partner is a true narcissist:
1. All of their exes are awful
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Did you ever notice how narcissists never have good relationships with their exes? The ex is great at first, then the complaints start happening. Then the ex ends up with a ruined reputation, confused about why their friends stopped talking to them, and left alone after the relationship.
Narcissists have a unique ability to launch a smear campaign against their partners that lasts and lasts. They can frame anything from having expectations on how to be treated to having boundaries as abuse.
Of course, if they can’t frame anything you do as abuse, they will press your buttons until you react in order to get “evidence” of abuse. They make sure you can’t win, no matter what you do.
Take a look at each person’s dating history. Do they have long-term exes who remained friends with them and had nothing but good things to say about them? Does that person have a horror story about every single ex?
A lot of the worst narcissists I’ve met were able to convince others that they were innocent victims of abuse. When I met the exes, they were great people who were genuinely scarred by dating the narcs. If a person has never had a good experience in a relationship, that’s a sign they’re the problem.
2. Their relationships are typically short, with very unusual, seemingly cruel breakups
There’s nothing wrong with being with someone for a good time rather than a long time. However, there is something wrong with consistently wanting to be in a long-term relationship (or saying you do) only to find yourself at the breaking point.
One narcissist I knew mentioned that, prior to marrying his now-ex wife, he never had a relationship that lasted longer than five months. He mentioned that one of his exes had her father kick him out of the house, making him homeless.
Another narcissist I dated mentioned that he had a girl break up with him because “she wasn’t feeling it anymore.” And another one mentioned that “she kept trying to leave until she cheated on me.”
Here’s a hint: many of those breakups showed that the girls were miserable. Seeing a string of breakups like that tends to mean other people had to intercede or basically force a breakup because the ex wouldn’t take no for an answer.
Narcissists can’t take rejection too well. After all, narcissists can’t accept that they would get rejected by a person out of the need to preserve themselves.
3. Everything's a PR thing to them
Ever notice how narcissists really seem to exist for a good reputation? This is their modus operandi. They’re always on their guard for people talking about them. They don’t want to be exposed.
Many will go on the attack the moment they realize the mask has dropped, because they realize that people will be more likely to believe them first. They will also make a big song and dance about being a good person to the right people.
If they’re particularly insidious, they’ll make the other person look crazy — even when they aren’t necessarily crazy. They tend to know exactly who to tell or what to say to make sure they’re the believed party. It’s a survival mechanism of the narcissist.
However, there’s a caveat here: Not everyone who clamps down on their public relations issues is a narcissist. If you’ve dealt with a lot of narcissists in your life or a lot of abuse in your life, you might also start doing it as a trauma response after having dealt with one too many awful people.
4. Their double standards start subtle, but become massive
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Narcissists are the people who will dangle a prize (maybe a wedding ring) over your head, tell you to do something, then pull the prize away. Then, if confronted, they’ll blink and say something like, “Wow, you really don’t care about my boundaries or wants, do you?”
The double standards become impossible to ignore. You’ll see the victim doing all the work, then when they inevitably get burnt out, the narcissist will move on with a huff, saying, “Oh, I can’t be with such a lazy person.”
Or, they will not “excuse” a breakup without a “good enough” reason. However, if they decide it’s time to leave, they often have no problem ghosting and saying that they “don’t owe you an explanation.”
Of course, if a person retaliates or speaks out about their relationship, they will inevitably turn it into their fault. For example:
- “If I was so bad, why didn’t you leave?” (When you tell them you are miserable and had nowhere to go.)
- “You shouldn’t rely on your spouse to feel loved. That’s what self-love is for.” (When you ask them for affection.)
- “And you think it’s attractive when you cry like that? You think that will make anyone want you?” (When they make a point of refusing you affection or kind gestures until you cry.)
- “You alienated them. It’s your fault.” (When you can’t figure out why people stopped talking to you and no one gives you an answer…because the narcissist made you seem like a monster.)
- “I don’t care if you need space. You are going to answer my call OR ELSE!” (When you ask for space to just decompress.)
If you’re not sure whether or not a person is a narcissist, watch how they react when they’re told no or called out.
5. They do the narcissist smirk
Here’s an interesting story for y’all: I had a friend who was uncanny at figuring out who was a narcissist. He was even able to tell when a relationship of mine was about to turn toxic before I even realized it was going to get bad.
He warned me that the guy wasn’t all that. I didn’t listen. I paid the price dearly. At the end of the breakup, no one believed me. I remained stunned by it all. Even my mom had sided with the ex, though she eventually changed her tune.
After the breakup, I asked my buddy how he knew. He said: “It’s the way he looked at you. When he saw you scrambling to please him or do work for him, he’d make this little smirk. When you’d agree with him, he’d make a small smirk. That’s a narcissist’s smirk.”
A lot of narcissists get joy out of showing their power over others. It often comes out in small expressions, at least among others. With that being said, that’s one of the reasons I don’t date smirkers anymore.
6. Psychology terms are something they adore — as are 'PC' terms
Lately, I’ve noticed that the worst people I know tend to weaponize “therapy speak,” which is a phrase for using medical terms for mental disorders as a way to attack and discredit others. They also will use terms like “toxic” or even “narcissistic” to shush others.
I’ve also noticed that the same people will often use a specific trait as a major reason to attack others or accuse others of wrongdoing. The more they talk about that particular trait, be it a disability or a demographic, the more I get nervous that I’m dealing with a narcissist.
There are obviously major hurdles that come with not being an able-bodied person or a person who isn’t the “right demographic” for fascism. I’m not denying that. In fact, that’s why I talk about that stuff as much as I do.
However, if every single attack involves your disability or something, that’s a sign that you’re hiding behind anything to avoid accountability. The signs are always there, but are people ready to watch for them?
One thing I’ve noticed is that narcissists tend to rule their social scenes with an iron fist — at least, once they get that power. They are very adept at getting people to play their game and do what they want.
A lot of good people would have experienced way less hurt if people actually listened when others warn about bad people. The only question is, how do you get people to pay attention?
Ossiana Tepfenhart is a writer whose work has been featured in Yahoo, BRIDES, Your Daily Dish, Newtheory Magazine, and others.
