People Who’ve Been Together A While Secretly Deal With These 5 Awkwardly Common Problems
Even the strongest relationships have their cringe moments.
Sir Simo | Unsplash Embarrassment is a primary feeling that bonds humans. Only when they’re willing to show it, of course. No one makes it through life without feeling awkward and self-conscious, yet we do our best to hide our humiliation from others because we want to fit in and fear we won't be accepted.
Especially in a romantic dyad such as a boyfriend and girlfriend or husband and wife, we want the person we've fallen in love with to approve of us. Relationship problems surface when we become preoccupied with presenting an idealized image of ourselves, so we spend more energy trying to maintain a fantasy of who we want to be than we do bonding with and enjoying our beloved as we are.
People who’ve been together a while secretly deal with these 5 awkwardly common problems:
1. Deeply hidden fears
I don’t mean fear of spiders, but deeper fears related to your character and personality. Fears so repressed and ingrained that you may not even be aware of them. Such fears include being unworthy and unloved, unable to provide for yourself, constantly seeking stimulation because you feel empty inside, not being good enough, not being impressive aside from your accomplishments, and being incompetent.
Research shows that everyone operates from a core vulnerability that drives behavior in ways we may not even consciously recognize. Bringing these fears into the open is what prevents them from undermining your attempts to feel close and connected in your relationship.
Everyone has a core fear that drives their behavior. You are not alone. Your partner has a basic fear they are embarrassed by, as well.
2. Family skeletons tucked away in the closet
Children believe their family issues are an extension of themselves. Many adults still believe the family they came from somehow reflects who they are. While your family does shape you, they are separate and apart from you. Talking about your family with clear boundaries is a sign of health. It also helps your significant other understand you better.
In addition to your family having skeletons, you may have some secrets tucked far back in your closet. These issues are never easy to share, even when you’ve come to peace with them. But if you are willing to open up to your partner about them, you may discover you’re human and not so weird. The truth is, there are only so many experiences humans go through, and most are common.
Although opening up about family history or personal secrets can feel uncomfortable, self-disclosure is key to emotional intimacy in romantic relationships because it means confiding your vulnerabilities with someone who accepts your true self. Research found that self-disclosure and perception of disclosure in a partner led to greater feelings of intimacy, while couples who complained about a lack of intimacy self-disclosed less often.
3. Secret dreams and goals for the future
Sharing your goals and dreams is a sensitive act because when other people react in any way less than 100% supportive and confident, it can cause you to doubt yourself. Even if you don’t doubt yourself, their lack of faith and support will cause you to face the cold, hard reality that they are not the one for you.
Yet, you must arrive at the truth. Either you will discover you need to part ways, or your relationship will grow stronger as you find out your partner is supportive and you are like-minded and on the same page with your goals and dreams.
Couples working toward relationship goals report higher levels of relationship satisfaction, suggesting that successfully navigating this vulnerable conversation can significantly strengthen your bond, one study explained. The truth may be uncomfortable, but you'll either discover you're not truly compatible or you'll forge a deeper connection through mutual support of each other's aspirations.
4. Financial troubles
Your financial condition is your personal, private business. Yet, if you’re sharing your life with someone, certain aspects will have to be discussed. Your lifestyle, travel, and any financial burdens inevitably come up with people close to you.
Always remember you are not your struggles. You are much bigger than any earthly affliction you face, and if your financial condition causes you embarrassment, try not to be so identified with it. Plus, you can always change it. If your partner judges you for it, it reflects your self-judgment.
Remember, whenever you preface anything with, “This is embarrassing for me to share with you,” it causes the other person to have more compassion and react more gently. Opening up and being vulnerable gives you strength and an ally.
What makes this topic especially challenging is that money may be more closely tied to underlying relational processes, such as power and feelings of self-worth or self-esteem. However, financial intimacy requires honesty, vulnerability, and a willingness to address difficult topics, research has found.
5. Unconventional fantasies
Some fantasies are easier to share than others, but sharing them with your partner can help bond you and create intimacy, even if your partner does not share the same fantasy. When your partner truly loves you and wants you to be happy, they will enjoy knowing what turns you on. Your being turned on turns them on.
There’s no rule stating you have to share your fantasies, but if you do, it could open a whole new thrilling dimension between the two of you. Sometimes, people don’t want to share their fantasies because they wouldn’t want to bring them to fruition in the material world and feel afraid to put the idea into their partner’s head.
You have nothing to worry about as long as you communicate your true intentions. Ultimately, you cannot control another person’s thoughts or actions anyway.
Studies examining couples who engaged in fantasy sharing found heightened desire and increased relationship-promoting behaviors. The key is understanding that fantasy disclosure enhances intimacy through vulnerability and self-disclosure, while also helping partners understand each other's preferences.
Having the courage to share your fantasies can, once again, bond you because you will discover you’re not different from other people and their fantasies. Once the ego is removed from the equation, you have unity.
We all have and need egos. The ego is our separate and unique identity, and we wouldn't be able to function or accomplish anything without it. But the ego should not run the show. That’s the job of your soul.
When you feel overly embarrassed, your ego has more prominence than it should. It’s a sign you feel so separate, and you’ve forgotten the spiritual truth that we are all connected.
As uncomfortable as embarrassment can be, exposing those vulnerable aspects of ourselves is what makes us lovable. It shows the other person you are more alike than you are different and lets them know you trust them enough to be authentic in their presence.
Embarrassment shows your humanity, and when you are willing to expose it to the person you love and feel certain is worthy of your trust, your relationship can become deeper and stronger than ever. If you are in a relationship with a trustworthy partner, discussing embarrassing issues will help you become more bonded.
Play truth or dare to lighten the burden of discussing embarrassing relationship issues. You feel less pressure and seriousness when you make a game out of exposing your truth. The playing field is level when both of you are sharing awkward issues. In the end, embarrassment is a part of reaching any goal, including a loving relationship.
Heather Hans, LCSW, MBA, is a Public Speaker, Licensed Psychotherapist, Intuitive Coach, Holistic Healer, and author of The Heart of Self-Love. Dr. Hans has appeared on multiple news stations and has been featured in Forbes, Fast Company, and PopSugar.
