3 Painfully Toxic Fears That Keep Smart Women From Finding Love

You don't have to give up who you are to find love.

Last updated on Apr 04, 2024

Independent woman Adene Sanchez | Canva 

At 21 years old, I decided to focus on my career and put love on the back burner. The decision to stay out of a relationship paid off in droves as I became the youngest female executive at my record label at the prime age of 23, purchased a home at 24, and achieved "Boss Girl" status by 25. I was the epitome of a strong and independent woman. I made a ton of money, hooked up with interesting men, traveled, partied, and lived the life I always dreamed of.


To be successful in my career, I couldn’t be vulnerable (read: weak), and when I took that mentality into my dating life, it just didn’t work. I had to learn to find a balance between my type A personality and my femininity to attract the love I wanted. In our effort to move the feminist movement forward, women forgot that allowing a man to be strong doesn’t take away from who you are, and being vulnerable with a man doesn’t make you weak. If we are to have healthy relationships, we must allow both partners to be strong, vulnerable, giving, and supportive. But, first, my strong, independent women, we must learn these life lessons.


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Here are the 3 painfully toxic fears that keep smart women from finding love:

1. Being vulnerable does not make you weak

It’s a common misconception among strong women that feelings or emotions make you weak. On the contrary, allowing yourself to feel emotions is the greatest risk. A weak person would never take that risk. You're allowed to express your emotions freely and authentically, without making yourself feel weak for it. Being vulnerable means you’re open and honest with your heart, and without vulnerability, there is no love.



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2. Allowing yourself to receive does not make you dependent

The “I can do it all myself” mentality is not allowing him to give to you as he would naturally do. Men show love by giving, and if you don’t allow yourself to receive, he will stop trying and your connection can fizzle. Knowing that he wants to take responsibility for you does not mean you are not responsible for yourself, and accepting love into your life doesn’t take away from who you are.



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3. Ditching your "what I expect in a perfect man" list does not mean lowering your standards

The most important characteristics in a man can’t be found in a minimum height or salary, so ditching your list just means you value character over facial structure. Stop entering dates and relationships with a long list of requirements and look for a partner who will share your values and life vision instead.


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Ravid Yosef is a dating and relationship coach. She is an established advice column writer, Certified NLP Practitioner, and Award-winning marketer.