If You Notice These 6 Patterns, His Ex Still Has A Hold On Him
Arrul lin | Pexels I don’t know what it is, but I always seem to attract the men who are either fresh out of a relationship or are still in love with their ex. Regardless, they’re hung up on their exes, and it greatly affects their ability to connect with me or for our relationship to go anywhere.
It’s easy to avoid these men altogether when you see them coming from a mile away, waving their “I love my ex” flag. But when they’re low-key not over their ex, it’s hard to know until you’re in too deep and your feelings are at stake. But pay attention to these six patterns because they suggest a person has unfinished emotional business with an ex.
If you notice these 6 patterns, his ex still has a hold on him:
1. He won’t commit to you
If you’ve been casually but exclusively dating him for a few months, then I don’t blame you for wanting to make things official. After all, it’s been a few months, and there’s really no reason not to.
Unless he’s still holding out hope for his ex. If you bring it up and he brushes it off or tells you, “I like where things are at right now,” then that’s an indication that they’re likely going nowhere unless it involves his ex.
2. He finds reasons to talk about his ex
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If you and he have mutual friends who are friends with the ex, this one is entirely possible. Imagine you’re having dinner and he brings up one of those friends, and soon the conversation is waltzing towards the direction of the ex.
It’s like when you’re in high school, and you have a crush on a guy; you’ll find every excuse to talk about him, no matter how crazy you’re driving the people around you. It’s essentially no different, except it’s his ex and he’s clearly not over her.
When they habitually compare current situations to those they experienced with their ex, it means the past relationship is still taking up way too much mental real estate. Research on post-breakup contact shows that people who stay connected to an ex, even just through conversation, continue to feel the emotional pain more intensely and struggle significantly more to move on.
3. He still talks to his ex/hangs out with his ex…without you
It’s not uncommon for people to remain friends with their exes, especially if they were friends before they started dating. However, if he’s going out with their mutual friends and her, but he doesn’t invite you along or even tell you that she’ll be there, that could be a big red flag that he’s not over her.
For whatever reason, he doesn’t want her to see him with you, probably in hopes that they’ll be able to patch things up and get back together. If it were a healthy relationship between the two of you and a healthy friendship between them, he’d invite you with him, and things wouldn’t be awkward at all.
4. He still likes his ex's photos on social media
There’s no harm in liking a few photos and posts here and there, but if every time she posts a photo or status, if he’s right on top of “liking” it, it certainly causes for you to be concerned that he’s not over her, especially if they no longer speak and/or are not friends (at least in real life).
If he’s silently creeping on her social media, he’s obviously trying to keep tabs on her. There’s no reason to keep tabs on anyone unless you’re not over them.
A study in Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking found that people who kept tabs on their exes' social media reported significantly more distress, more longing, and less personal growth. This basically confirms that "just checking" their profile is never just checking.
5. He compares you to his ex
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Ever get into any arguments? Maybe you left the dishes on the corner of the sink. He retorts that “Ashley never did that” or maybe “Jessica always did that.”
Whatever the issue is, his ex should never be brought up, especially by him. Maybe he’s comparing your profession to hers, or her fashion and decorating styles to yours. If the ex is being mentioned at all, he’s not over her.
6. He’s hot and cold with you
This one goes hand in hand with him not committing. If he’s going days without talking to you, followed by weeks of just not getting off your dick, and then back to not talking to you, he’s either unsure about you or he’s got his mind on something else. If he’s not interested, it’s not hard to outright tell you that and move on with his life.
But if he’s hot and cold with you, he’s likely keeping you on the back burner until he’s sure that things won’t ever work out with his ex, because he knows that making it official with you only to dump you a few months later for his ex is only going to make him look terrible.
Research shows your brain actually releases more dopamine from unpredictable rewards than consistent ones. This is why his hot-and-cold behavior keeps you hooked even when you know it's going nowhere.
Not getting over your ex is completely natural, but it’s not natural to continue to date if you haven’t given yourself time to grieve. He’s not wrong for mourning the loss of his relationship, but if that’s the case, then he shouldn’t even be attempting to start new relationships, or in his case, leading unsuspecting women on.
The important thing to remember is that if you realize you’re dating a guy who isn’t over his ex, it’s not your job to help him get over her. That’s some stuff that he needs to sort out on his own. Quit wasting your time now before it’s too late, and he breaks your heart. There are many more non-heartbroken fish in the sea for you—or at least ones whose wounds aren’t as fresh.
Unwritten publishes content on relationships, love, mental health, wellness, and more.
