Men Who Have Affairs With Their Kids' Nannies Usually Have This Thing In Common
She sees him at his most open and vulnerable, and he uses that as leverage. Dr. Ramani explains why.
John Lord Vicente | Unsplash If you pay any attention to pop culture (or even politics), you've probably heard many stories of men who have affairs with their child's nanny or other household staff.
Jude Law made headlines in 2005 when it was revealed that he was sleeping with his nanny while he was engaged to Sienna Miller, and Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted in 2011 that he had fathered a son with a household staff member. Ethan Hawke and Robin Williams both married their kids’ former nannies as well. Since that time, it just keeps happening.
On the political front, Erik Prince, founder of the military contractor Blackwater famously had an affair with his children's nanny while his wife was dying.
So, what's the deal?
Men who have affairs with their nannies have this one thing in common: egocentrism
Maya Lab via Shutterstock
“There are a lot of moving parts to this,” said licensed clinical psychologist Ramani Durvasula Ph.D. The power differential is huge, she said, adding that dads who go after the nanny tend to be a little ego-centric, and getting an employee into bed is a turn-on for them that further underscores they’re the ones in charge.
“Powerful men have certain traits that predispose them to certain women, particularly younger women,” she said. “They’re also often narcissistic and want everything in life to be a certain way.”
The role of evolutionary psychology and infidelity
There may even be a subconscious psychological link to fertility, too, said Durvasula. Children imply fertility, and a person who is with your children has a certain “fertility association.” Since fertility can be a romanticized space, it can make a caregiver seem hotter than the average person.
Speaking of the whole caregiver thing, powerful men are often guarded, but when they’re around their kids, they usually open up. And since the nanny is there when the kids are there, it allows for an intimacy and trust that a lot of outsiders aren’t exposed to.
And of course, there’s a lot of proximity. For a lot of famous couples, the nanny is always around and may even live there. If a powerful man is interested in having an affair, it almost makes sense to do it with the person who is already accessible.
Power and fantasy
There are more obvious explanations, too. For one thing, there’s a fantasy at play, said clinical psychologist John Mayer, Ph.D. “The babysitter fantasy is as common as the French maid or waitress fantasy,” he said.
The objectification of babysitters happens because they’re subordinate and in a service position, which makes men of power think they’re fair game. They also tend to be young and have very little power, making them even more appealing.
“It’s an old motif that ‘domestic’ workers are open season for the so-called ‘masters,’” Durvasula said. “That sort of rape culture of subordination has been around for a long time.”
Emotional immaturity
Emotional maturity makes the difference between a man fantasizing about a babysitter and actually doing something about it, Mayer added.
Celebrity men, in particular, may be more inclined to have affairs with the nanny because they’re often emotionally immature due to their sheltered lifestyle and may not think things through before diving in, said Mayer.
But while the idea of getting down with the nanny may seem hot to some powerful men, Durvasula said it’s a really, really bad idea. Not only will it destroy a relationship, but it also obviously impacts the children — and not for the better.
“The kids watch their parents’ marriage fall apart, and unless they’re under the age of 2, they’re going to connect the dots,” she said. “That can cause trust issues over time.”
Bottom line: Nothing good can come from sleeping with the nanny.
Korin Miller is a freelance writer specializing in general wellness, health and relationships, and lifestyle trends. Her work has appeared in Men’s Health, Women’s Health, Self, Glamour, and more.
