Men Who Can’t Commit Often Share These 4 Deep-Rooted Issues That Have Nothing To Do With You
Ivan Lom | Unsplash Why does it seem like so many men have some deep-rooted issues keeping them scared of commitment? If this feels familiar, don't worry, it has nothing to do with you: One study showed men who felt they fell short of traditional relationship norms were more likely to compensate through aggressive and dominant behaviors, which could potentially translate to avoiding commitment, which is often viewed as a vulnerable and emotionally open act.
That’s because many men need to have specific things aligned and organized within their own lives to feel fully open to a woman and able to choose her, no matter how good a fit she may be for him. Not all men are necessarily able to see these issues at work within themselves. But with your awareness, you might be able to see through confusing situations and more easily recognize the truth of the matter, to tell whether a man is truly ready to commit, or not.
Men who can’t commit often share these 4 deep-rooted issues that have nothing to do with you:
1. Their lives aren’t ready for commitment yet
An older friend once said something that completely changed my perspective on relationships forever: “Sometimes, the real question is not ‘Am I ready for this relationship?’ It’s ‘Am I ready for the relationship itself?’”
A wave of relief ran through my mind as the echoes of his words rang with truth somewhere deep inside of me. I quickly came to see that he was right. It wasn’t about the woman herself. No matter who I was with at the time — no matter how aligned we were — I ultimately wouldn’t have been able to commit to her for more than a short period.
This is often the case for men who are still too young or haven’t had enough life experience. Much of the time, our stubborn yet mysterious uncertainty around feelings toward potential mates has very little to do with their physical features or personal qualities (as much as our minds might make it seem that way).
The real reason is sometimes that we haven’t dated enough, traveled enough, or simply lived enough. Our lives aren’t ready for commitment, period. And research has shown that the higher someone's confidence in themselves, the more successful they turn out to be.
2. They haven’t found their life’s purpose yet
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There is an unwritten and unspoken rule that runs a man’s life: His mission comes first, above all else. If a man has not yet identified and gained traction in his mission, he will intuitively feel like something is missing and sense a relationship might get in the way of him living his best life.
That’s not to say men don’t still get into relationships without knowing their mission. But if that’s the case, they often either don’t feel truly fulfilled or it doesn’t last long. When a man seems wary and doesn’t feel inner “readiness for a relationship”, this is one of the harder reasons.
3. They aren’t sure if you’ll fit in with their life’s vision yet
Allison Armstrong, the legendary author on male/female psychology in love and relationships, made a great distinction in the way men date. In general, when men date women, they are “trying them on,” like a jacket.
While women’s imaginations might more automatically include the man in their future, and how to work it out, the man will more often be asking whether or not it’s even a fit, and experimenting with the edges of all their puzzle pieces. Neither of these strategies is better or worse; it’s just the way most of our minds work.
Men are trying to see if the woman fits into the picture he has of his life. He's assessing and reassessing whether or not her personality and preferences will fit into his lifestyle and goals.
4. They're letting fear run the show
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Fear factors into some aspects of the previous points — such as whether or not the two of you are a match — but it also has many more specific forms that stand on their own. We often don’t choose paths in life, or people, because we’re afraid of the negative possible consequences and undesirable future scenarios of making that choice.
For example, a man might avoid a relationship because he’s afraid of the pain of breaking up, or the financial ruin and family complications of divorce. He may be afraid of losing intimacy and novelty. He may be afraid he will lose his freedom and sense of self. While some of these things are possible outcomes, these fears all point to a bigger problem: He's letting his mind be dominated by fear, and he doesn’t fully trust himself.
What it all comes down to is: Am I, as a man, actively moving forward on my clear path to become the person I want to be? And am I truly ready to do the work to co-exist with another human and build a life together?
If the answer to either of those questions is “No,” then the answer is the same as commitment in a relationship.
Jordan Gray is a five-time Amazon best-selling author, public speaker, and relationship coach with more than a decade of practice. His work has been featured in The New York Times, BBC, Forbes, The Huffington Post, Women's Health, and The Good Men Project, among countless others.
