The #1 Thing That Makes A Marriage Feel Safe To Wives

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husband and wife smiling at each other

Many men don’t know what makes a marriage feel safe and secure and, as a result, their marriages fail.

I know that when I was married, my husband tried to make me feel safe. He worked hard, walked on the curbside of the road, and anticipated what action he would take in every bad scenario but he never truly made our marriage and relationship feel safe.

We are divorced now — not surprisingly.

So, what is the #1 thing that makes your marriage feel safe and secure, so your wife can feel safe within it?

You are going to love this one, truly. I know that it’s incredibly hard but you can do it!

The #1 thing that makes a marriage feel safe and secure — communication!

So, let me tell you why and how you can communicate in a way that makes your wife feel safe and secure.

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Three ways to make your marriage feel more secure

1. Communicate with her so she trusts you.

Ok, this one might be hard to understand.

How can communicating with your wife make her trust you?

Do you know what is going on in your wife’s head every day? Do you know if she is working through a problem, feeling hopeful for the future, wondering who is going to pick up the kids from school, and how she will ever be able to go to the gym?

I am guessing probably not.

And, chances are, she can’t read your mind either.

So, there you are, going about your day, having no idea how your spouse is feeling, not knowing the things that they are managing, and maybe struggling to manage.

If you guys talk to each other, things will change dramatically.

For example, if your wife is feeling frustrated by all of the things on her plate, by you asking her what she has going on, she will know that you care.

If you ask her how she is doing, she can celebrate with you that she is doing well or share with you that she is struggling.

If you share with her that your day is crazy and that you won’t get home in time for dinner, she might be disappointed but she can plan accordingly.

In all of these cases, it’s talking to each other that makes your woman feel safe because it makes her trust that you are being open and transparent with her.

Talking to her makes her feel seen and heard. Talking to her makes her feel confident that you know what is going on in your life. Talking to her makes her secure that she can trust you to help her manage her moods and all the crazy things that are going on in both of your lives.

I know that communication can be challenging for men. Women spend 24/7 communicating with other women in their lives and they have always done so. As a result, communication is easy. Men haven’t exercised that muscle as much and therefore they struggle with it.

But you can do it. If the goal is to make your wife feel safe and secure, communication can make your wife trust you and therefore feel that way.

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2. Communicate with her so she feels loved.

For women, a lot of feeling safe and loved is feeling like we are being heard and appreciated. It is being told that we are doing things well and that we are being noticed. It’s being given empathy when we are struggling.

Think about the times when you and your wife have been forced to communicate. Perhaps it’s because of a fight. Perhaps it’s because you needed to coordinate the kid’s hockey schedule. Perhaps it’s because you go out to dinner and actually spend a few hours across the table from each other, talking about this and that.

While the fight was, I am sure, uncomfortable, it was, to some degree at least, a form of communication. And, if the fight was resolved and the issue put to bed, that is a success for both of you. 

Perhaps if you talk together about making a plan for the soccer weekend, she will know that you will be a part of how it’s all going to come together and that she is not alone in making things happen. That would feel really good, to not have to carry the whole load on her shoulders.

Perhaps it’s just a night out, the two of you. Talking about this and that but actually talking to each other and not at each other.

In all of those instances, you make your wife feel safe and secure. You make her feel loved. And feeling loved is what a woman wants, more than almost anything in the world!

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3. Communicate with her so you stay connected.

The number one thing that causes a marriage to disintegrate is the absence of communication.

Think about when you were first together. Didn’t you stay up late at night, talking about your hopes and dreams? Weren’t many hours spent making plans for the weekend or for a vacation. Were there regular dinners out, talking about sports and clothes and pets and holidays?

Didn’t you feel connected? So connected, in fact, that you asked her to marry you.

And now, here you are, however, many years down the road and that connection has disintegrated.

Kids and work and chores and money and extended family, all of the mundane things of everyday life, have gotten in the way of you and your wife feeling connected.

And, when your wife isn’t feeling connected, she isn’t feeling safe and secure.

Talking with you, her partner in life and love will allow her to feel the connection that she once felt, to feel loved and safe and certain about the future.

Again, if your wife feels connected to you, she is way more likely to want to be intimate with you. If that isn’t enough of an argument for working on your communication skills, I don’t know what is.

So, there you go, why communication is the #1 thing that makes your wife feel safe and secure.

I know that the idea is scary. That you don’t think that you can communicate in a way that will make her feel all of those things (although perhaps you know that you can, in which case, go for it!)

What I want to remind you is that you do have the ability to communicate. I mean, you did it at the beginning of your relationship, well enough that she agreed to marry you. So, can dig deep, find that communication muscle and start to work on it?

I would encourage you to talk to someone to help you work on building your communication skills.

There is one way that you may communicate that will not make your wife feel safe and secure — listening to her and then trying to fix her.

Women want to be heard and empathized with — they don’t need to be fixed. I would encourage you to think about this because, for many men, the instinct to fix instead of listen is almost innate. If you can be aware of this and try to listen and not fix it, you will go a long way toward making your wife feel safe and secure.

Here is a video that I love. It shows (in a humorous way) how to communicate with your woman to make her feel loved and not fix her.

You can make your wife feel safe and secure. I know you can!

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This article was originally published at Let Your Dreams Begin. Reprinted with permission from the author.