Keep The Spark Alive In Your Marriage With These 5 Powerful F-Words

Your marriage will never be boring again.

Keeping the spark alive in your marriage Hirurg | Canva

We all miss those early days in a relationship when the energy between you and your new lover is enough to boost a rocket to the moon. Alas, we grieve its loss but the reality is — those initial fireworks are dead and not coming back. And this is normal! But just because the short-term spark fizzled out doesn’t mean you can’t continue to enjoy a passionate and steamy love life in your long-term relationship. 


Keep the spark alive in your marriage with these 5 powerful F-words:

1. Flirt

Couples who've been together a long time, or who live together, often forget to still flirt with each other. It's important to continue this hot, playful banter even though you see each other every day (doing un-charming things like flossing). Seize little moments in your day and use the deeper knowledge you have of one another as material to boost one another’s confidence. Let your non-verbals, like body language or facial expressions, communicate what your words don't (Let your partner catch you starting admiringly from across the room). Comment on him "taking care of you" when he sends back the cold entrée. Notice how beautiful she still looks (even after a long workday). Accentuate his masculinity and celebrate her femininity. These are primal forces that need tending throughout your relationship.

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Don't let chivalry die just because you're now comfortable after years together. My favorite example is telling my husband how manly he looks when he wears his tool belt. He immediately responds with a comment about me being a "pretty little thing," warning me that I should step back so I don’t get hurt. And in case you're thinking: That's chauvinist! — I’m a fiercely independent woman who traveled the world twice before I was 25 years old and I've had two c-sections and my own business ... this flirtatious banter with my honey is all role-play, and it works!

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2. Flaunt it

It’s nearly impossible to have a good intimate life if you're self-conscious about your body. Cultivate "strong body love," which is a positive and appreciative relationship with your physical self. Take good care of your body, admire what your body can do, learn to love a few of your physical traits, and flaunt what you've got.  Ladies, this means, walking around the house in your undies and a tank to remind your guy of your goodies. And men, wear clothes that fit well — confidence is attractive, no hiding behind old worn-out t-shirts, please. When you go out together, it’s important to accentuate your best assets and dress up for each other, just like you did in those early days.


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3. Fight

Yes, I said fight! I know it sounds counter-intuitive, but occasional fighting in your relationship keeps the spice alive. So many people avoid conflict at all costs because they fear conflict will destroy their relationship; but the truth is NOT having fights is what will destroy your relationship, over time. If you aren’t fighting once in a while, really airing your grievances, disagreeing passionately, and experiencing your separateness, then you'll not only get bored and predictable — you'll end up full of resentment towards each other.

Stuffing your truth, by acquiescing or withholding requests and complaints, doesn’t make a conflict go away, rather it turns it into resentment towards a partner who has no idea this is happening. Bring your full distinct selves to the ring and embrace honest conflict in your relationship. That grit, that tension between you will translate to fire in the bedroom. Passionate people have passionate relationships!


4. Fool around

Dare I say it? YES! Grandiose visions and unrealistic expectations of romance can turn your sizzle soft — over time that gets boring. When you two have a solid bond and a strong emotional connection, there is no need for tender and gentle intimate encounters every time you're in bed together. There is nothing hotter than experiencing your partner fully desiring you, confident in expressing it, and boldly going for it.

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5. (Up the) frequency

If you want a plentiful intimate relationship, you must continually make it a top priority, which requires commitment from both partners. Pull out your calendars and block time. If you have kids, mark the times they aren’t home or they're asleep. If you both work crazy hours, block your calendar as if time together is an important meeting (it is!). 

Also, up the amount of time you spend alone outside the bedroom. When you were first dating, you knew for a few days or even a week ahead that Saturday night you’d see each other. You’d think about it, anticipate it, prepare for it, fantasize about it, and maybe even flirt with each other as the day approached. Recreate that experience in your relationship by planning your dates. Knowing ahead of time allows you both to mentally and physically prepare and lets delicious anticipation build.


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Hilary Silver, LCSW is a therapist & relationship expert, who gives advice and strategies for keeping her client's relationship hot, healthy & happily ever after. She has been featured in Good Therapy, The Good Men Project, NBC, and Women's Health. and more.