By The Time A Husband Asks His Wife This Frustrating Question, She’s Probably Already Annoyed
MAYA LAB | Shutterstock In a two-income marriage, which partner do you think does more household chores? That was a lob, not a trick question. It's wives by a landslide, and data backs it up.
It should be no surprise, then, that many wives are on the brink of burnout and flat out frustrated with carrying the mental load of basically everything. There's really nothing worse than having to tell your husband to unload the dishwasher when he walks by it and can clearly see the indicator light shining brightly, saying the cycle is done. But perhaps there is something worse. Husbands take note. When you see your wife struggling, don't ask her if there's anything you can do to help. As Nike so eloquently put it, "Just do it."
By the time a husband asks his wife if she needs any help, she's probably already annoyed that he hasn't just helped.
No one wants to come home from a long day at work and make dinner, help with homework, do the dishes, fight kids over bath time, and then take out the trash. But those things have to get done. You know what else has to get done? Figuring out the logistics of getting kids to summer camp and travel soccer. Don't forget to also buy gifts for your niece's first birthday and the grocery list that needs to get finalized before the end of the week.
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Sadly, this is only a snapshot of the silent labor most wives are carrying every single day, while their husbands act affronted when their offer of help is met with frustration. But what's a little frustration when you get to play an hour of video games before bed? Unfortunately, guys, it's much worse than that.
Aside from the fact that you should want to help your wife because you are her partner and you love her, a 2019 study found that women who are "faced with a disproportionate share of the mental workload" have decreased overall well-being and "lower levels of satisfaction with their relationships."
Sure, guys, you can stick your head in the sand and assuage your guilt with the notion that you asked your wife if you could help, or worse, you could help but do such a bad job that she would rather just do the chore herself, but the only thing that will do is delay the inevitable deterioration of your relationship.
Men are given a pass to do the bare minimum and still get accolades, and many really don't want that to change.
Sharing responsibilities as both parents and partners is extremely important in a relationship and allows for the delegation of tasks so that not just one person feels the burden of all the responsibilities. But here's the thing, and you can't really blame them, why would men who are perfectly content doing very little simply take on more when their wives do it with just a little grumble here or there?
No one wants to clean a toilet every week, but when a man does it poorly as a way to get out of the task, that's not helping. That's what psychologists call weaponized incompetence, which is simply a manipulation technique to get out of doing something you don't want to do without accountability. In simpler terms, it's someone playing dumb to avoid doing chores or other family responsibilities.
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While on the surface, it sounds like a pretty good deal for men. The truth is their marriages are at stake. A 2016 study found that when marital responsibilities disproportionately fall on a wife's shoulders, the couple will fight more than average. Additionally, Claudia de Llano, a licensed marriage and family therapist, said letting your wife take the brunt of the labor in the relationship is a recipe for resentment.
She explained, "An imbalance of responsibilities can lead to conflicting feelings about the relationship. While you may love your partner and care about them, you may also grow frustrated and start to resent them for not helping out more."
According to a parenting survey conducted by the Modern Family Index, women are two times more likely to be managing the household and three times more likely to be managing their children’s schedules. Married women who are the primary earners for their families are three times as likely to volunteer at school and twice as likely to be the ones making sure all family responsibilities are handled.
That's the thing, guys. You might get to take a nap instead of doing the weekly shopping or hit the golf course on the weekend while your wife drives the kids to their activities, but eventually, something is gonna break, and you might be left on the brink of divorce or worse.
There are no winners in a household where weaponized incompetence and plain old gender inequality are driving wives to the brink. Just do the wash and change the sheets when you know it's time. Help without needing direction all the time. And if you really don't know how or what to do, get vulnerable and talk to your spouse.
Nia Tipton is a writer with a bachelor’s degree in creative writing and journalism who covers news and lifestyle topics that focus on psychology, relationships, and the human experience.
