How To Know If You Love Him, Or If You're Just Overly Attached
Attachment is important, but it cannot replace love.
Aleksandar Andreev | Unsplash I once dated a guy without being in love with him. I did it for months, and when we broke up, I was angrier over the thought I'd lost my earrings than that I'd been dumped. I was panicked. But I wasn't sad. That's because I wasn't in love, I was only attached.
There's a big difference between the two, though we often mistake them for each other. I needed him to get me through a particularly rough time in my life. I needed a shoulder to cry on, a hand to hold, and a warm body in bed. I told myself I loved him. But I was attached, in this case, by need.
How to know if you love him, or if you're just overly attached:
You see these couples all the time, the ones that are attached but clearly not in love. This happens when the person is insecure, like I was, and needs reassurance. She's the one who hangs off her man, who insists on PDA even when he seems uncomfortable. That girl will do anything for him: dress the way he dictates, act the way he demands, and take up his interests like they're her own.
When I dated "K", I developed an overwhelming fondness for movies. I'm ADHD and can barely sit through the latest episode of Kimmy Schmidt, let alone an hour long streaming drama. I hate films. But I was emotionally needy, and he, well, I don't know what his emotional motivation was for our attachment.
He had also just been through a rough time. Maybe he also needed reassurance that he was the type of guy who could attract a hot girl. Mostly, though, he was like so many guys who date an emotionally needy girl: he wanted to get physical.
Guys form attachments all the time to get physical intimacy. Sometimes they do it intentionally; sometimes, like K, they do it subconsciously. But tactile intimacy is probably the leading cause of men forming attachments instead of falling in love. Love requires commitment. Love requires your heart, and that can be scary. Easier to attach yourself to a person instead of loving one.
Mladen Mitrinovic via Shutterstock
There's another category of people who find themselves attached instead of in love. These are couples who used to be in love, but who, through habit and circumstance and time, have fallen into attachment. These couples probably aren't even aware of it.
They'd say they were in love if you asked. But he's busy doing how own thing and she's formed a serious attachment to the more self-fulfilling activities than spending time with him. Maybe they think about having a relationship with another person, but they go through all the motions of a real relationship. They have date nights; they have couples nights. They help each other. But they aren't in love; they're attached.
That's because their relationship is based on habit and need. He brews the coffee in the morning. He needs her to do the cooking. She washes all his laundry (and probably finds herself more disgusted by his dirty socks than she used to be); she needs him to rub her back and tell her she's special.
They both need to be told they're loved. They both need to think they're loved. But they aren't. They're only attached by years and memories and habits and need.
Other couples can find themselves attached instead of in love. I once lived with a guy I wasn't in love with, but I found myself attached. I was dependent on him for a place to live, so I couldn't leave him.
People who have dogs together can find themselves in the same situation as most commonly people who have children. The kids are the attachment between them. The parents may tell themselves they're in love with each other, but really, they're doing the staying-together-for-the-kids things.
They aren't bad people. They are people who form attachments instead of falling in love. They're afraid. They're scared of giving their whole heart to someone or are incapable of it for any number of reasons: trauma, past heartbreak, abuse. They may be too emotionally immature to fall in love. Or, currently, too emotionally damaged. These people aren't bad. They're just not able or willing to fall in love.
It's different, falling in love and being attached. The difference is as simple and as profound as giving your heart to someone. You don't take it back when love becomes routine. You don't withhold it just because you want physical intimacy. When you fall in love, you give your whole self. When you're attached, you remain your own person. And that, perhaps, is the primary difference between the two.
Alissa Scully is a freelance writer and stay-at-home mom. She got her degree in English and spends much of her time teaching freshmen, political activism, and media work.
