4 Healing Lessons You Can Only Learn Within A Healthy Relationship
There is plenty you can heal on your own, but if you've been in unhealthy relationships in the past, only a healthy one will teach you this.
Ivanko80 / Shutterstock We often hear that to heal from past trauma, we need to do it before getting into a relationship. And you’ll hear people say that you can’t heal in a relationship; it’s not smart.
However, therapist Logan Cohen states that healing in a relationship is not only normal but also important. That there’s only so much healing you can do outside of a relationship.
So, here are the four parts of healing that you need to implement in your relationship, according to Cohen.
Four Healing Lessons You Can Only Learn Within A Healthy Relationship
1. Understanding that having boundaries and needs will not push everyone away.
“First, having boundaries and needs will not push everyone away,” says Cohen. However, it will push away people who don’t respect you or your boundaries.
And while it can be difficult, not having these people in your life will only help you heal faster and make you more productive in your journey. Plus, toxic people are just plain draining.
A licensed clinical specialist in child and adolescent counseling Dr. Stephanie A. Sarkis writes, “This psychological abuse can leave you questioning your sanity, increasing anxiety and decreasing self-esteem.”
So, if someone can’t respect your boundaries and ends up leaving, consider it good luck — you’re now free to heal in peace.
2. Knowing that attraction can grow with the right person.
We are sold the lie that being in love means you have to feel this unexplainable attraction toward a person.
Sparks are supposed to fly instantly, and you should feel butterflies. But the truth is, it’s not always like that.
Cohen explains, “If there’s a base level of enough attraction initially, the chemistry will grow as you deepen emotional intimacy.”
Professor of social psychology Madeleine A. Fugère adds that the longer couples get to know one another, the less important physical attraction becomes.
So, have some attraction toward your partner, but remember, chemistry can grow, and looks matter much less as your relationship progresses.
3. Knowing you don't need to find someone who's perfect (and you don't have to be perfect for someone).
In relationships, both you and your partner are bound to have flaws. They’ll do things completely different than you. Or they’ll know things that you don’t know.
Try to understand that these very differences can make your relationship stronger. And that these differences are what made you fall for your partner in the first place.
As Cohen points out, “All you need is compatibility with your core values and goals as well as a willingness to grow in the relationship.”
So, learn to appreciate their imperfections. Be kind and understanding, and talk things out if something’s bothering you. And slowly, your partner will begin to do the same.
4. Knowing that if you believe love hurt you in the past, what you had in the past wasn't love.
Feeling like love has hurt you before? Maybe it’s time to consider that what you went through wasn’t real love.
Cohen says, “It was just playing out old wounds and patterns of unhealthy attachment.”
Real love is a conscious choice rather than an emotional one. It’s the very choice that can lead to mutual respect, freedom, and empowerment in your relationship.
Healing is tough, especially in a relationship. But if you take these steps and give yourself some patience, you’ll find yourself loving and appreciating your healing journey even more.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, and family topics.