Experts Warn: Before You Try To Find Love Again, Fix These 6 Areas Of Your Life
Look Studio | Unsplash It's tempting to believe the next relationship will fix what the last one broke. That if you just meet the right person, everything else will finally click into place. But real love doesn't land well in chaos; it grows best in a life that already feels secure.
Before you try to find love again, it's worth fixing these six parts of your life — not to be perfect, but to be clear: Clear about your standards and your boundaries. When these six parts of your life are in order, you're not searching for someone to complete you; you're choosing someone to complement you.
Before you try to find love again, get these 6 parts of your life in order:
1. Before you try to find love again, love yourself first
You can’t love someone else or be loved by someone else if you simply do not or cannot love yourself. Make yourself a priority, date yourself for a while to learn about yourself on a new emotional level, and focus on discovering and creating you. Start doing things for you and seeing where it goes from there.
Relationship coach Rori Raye says that a woman who takes care of herself and has healthy self-esteem naturally makes a partner want to please her and keep her happy, because he knows her happiness doesn't depend on him. When you stop looking for someone to complete you and start showing up as a whole person, the right kind of love tends to follow.
2. Before you try to find love again, burn out old flames
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While I’m well aware that sometimes old romances can turn into great friendships, you need to put out the fire from any old flames if you want to move on to someone new. That means no hookups with old flings or ex-partners. By refreshing your love life, you’re allowing yourself to become excited to learn about someone new, explore your interests, and not be distracted by the baggage that might be holding you back.
"If you hold onto the past, you might put your ex on a pedestal that they don't deserve to be on," says dating coach Julie Spira. "As a result, you're not completely open to a healthy new relationship when you haven't completely closed the door on the past." Cutting that tie is less about erasing the past and more about making room for something better.
3. Before you try to find love again, discover what you actually want in a partner
It’s easy to say “I want someone who ___ but it’s actually more difficult to pinpoint what things you can tolerate and what might be more serious deal breakers. It’s important to highlight the qualities you want a future partner to have to take this seriously, so you don’t just settle. Nothing is too big or too small to be negotiated, but at least you’ll be more aware of what you’re looking for when you start talking to someone new.
Research found that while people may be unsure of the qualities they're looking for, they tend to be very clear on the traits they absolutely don't want. Understanding that difference can actually help you date smarter. Getting honest with yourself about your real non-negotiables means you're a lot less likely to settle for something that was never going to work anyway.
4. Before you try to find love again, stay open to new perspectives
While you’re remembering the qualities you find desirable and the ones that you may be iffy on, it’s also important not to stay closed within your guidelines. As the old saying goes, “Don’t judge a book by its cover.”
Just because they have a few things in your negative column doesn’t mean they should be overlooked. In fact, take the time to learn more and consider why that person might be a certain way, and begin to expand your mindset.
"Studies show that as you get to know someone and you find that you share the same values and life perspectives, they can become more attractive to you," says dating coach Amy Schoen. So before you write someone off because they don't check every box on paper, give it a little more time, and you might surprise yourself.
5. Before you try to find love again, step outside your bubble
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Screw dating apps that only lead you to endless amounts of unknown phone contacts and useless hookups and first dates. Try going into the real world to find somebody and meet them the old-fashioned way.
It’s challenging to meet somebody new, especially face to face, but why not try to find a man on a girls night or go to a local bookstore to see a cutie in the corner looking at a good book. You just never know.
Dating coach and author of The Offline Dating Method, Camille Virginia, says that everything you need to find the right person already lives in you, without apps, profiles, or swiping, and that it all starts with simply becoming more approachable. One of her top tips is keeping your phone in your bag when you're out, because the moment you put it away, you signal to the people around you that you're open, present, and available for a real conversation.
6. Before you try to find love again, live in the moment
Regardless of whether you find success in entering a new relationship, are struggling in the search, or are left heartbroken in another failed attempt, embrace it. I know it’s hard to live in the moment when you first meet someone and start envisioning your future together, but you have to focus on the now.
Be present with the person you date or with the situation you’re in. Just because someone else didn’t work out doesn’t mean you’ll be single forever, like you think you will.
Life coach and mindfulness teacher Ora Nadrich believes that if you're unable to live in the moment, it's almost impossible to sustain a healthy relationship, because when you're not fully present, you begin to feel something is missing and can end up in a revolving door of relationships. Being present with the person in front of you, rather than overthinking the future, is honestly one of the best things you can do for your love life.
Dating can be tough when nothing is panning out, and it can be really hard when everyone else is shining, and you feel so dull. But by making these easy-to-follow resolutions, not only are you making a lifestyle change, but you’re making a resolution that should help your outlook on the hunt for a honey to love.
And if you’re too focused on finding someone to love, remember to fall in love with yourself first. Because that truly will be the best relationship you’ll ever have.
Brittany Christopoulos is a writer, journalist, and fill-in TV co-host. She's a Senior Writer and Head of Trending News for Unwritten.
