Love

The Real Reason Your Relationship Lacks Intimacy

Photo: Prostock-studio / Shutterstock
couple meditating together

Intimacy, especially in a relationship, is a beautiful thing to have. While it’s a lovely way to connect, it’s not always easy to achieve.

Harnessing the deep connection of true intimacy requires self-awareness, the ability to be your authentic self, and overall mindfulness.

Essentially, mindfulness is the ability to live in the moment and to be present.

Experiencing love and having sex are times that we often associate with living in the moment. Love is a strong emotion, and its ability to cause sexual arousal, self-awareness, and connection tends to make people focus on the "now."

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However, the truth is, the areas of love and sex are where it’s possible to be your least present, even when you’re there, physically. Just because you say ‘I love you,” or offer your body sexually, doesn't necessarily mean you’ve let your guard down completely.

If you find that you aren’t giving your full awareness to moments of intimacy, and can’t fully focus on being with your partner — romantically or sexually — then the whole you isn’t there.

And, undoubtedly, the person you’re with will know it, too.

So, what is intimacy exactly? And how exactly do you build intimacy in a marriage or a relationship?

In order to have true intimacy, you need to have awareness. And, in order to have awareness, you need to have mindfulness. Without these two forms of connection, you won’t be able to feel genuine closeness with your partner.

If you’re unable to live in the moment, it’s almost impossible to sustain a healthy relationship and intimacy that keeps you interested and satisfied over time. When you’re not fully present, you begin to feel that something is missing, and eventually, go looking for it elsewhere.

But instead of finding a new, and truly intimate relationship, you’re likely, once again, to experience feelings of boredom or frustration.

If you continue your lack of self-awareness and mindfulness, you could soon find yourself in a revolving door of relationships.

When you expect someone else to keep you in the present moment, you place the burden on the other person to satisfy you. However, it's really you who feels unsatisfied because of your inability to stay present.

Where does your mind drift to during these intimate moments of your life? It may be that you’re caught somewhere in the past (which has already come and gone) or in the future (which hasn’t yet happened). It can also be that you’re thinking about someone other than the person you’re in a relationship with and that’s the cause of your distraction.

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Are you fantasizing about another person? If you don’t feel that you can express yourself with full awareness and emotional honesty, you might want to hold off on engaging in intimate or sexual relationships until you’ve sorted out the cause.

So, how can you find the intimacy you’re craving? True intimacy begins with an honest relationship with yourself. The best way to do that is to be with yourself quietly in mindful meditation.

Mindfulness creates conscious intimacy. It liberates you to be who you are right now.

It doesn't keep you trapped in who you once were or who you think you should be. It gives you the awareness you need to be comfortable expressing the authenticity of your heart and your sexuality with another person in a real and beautiful way.

Use this guided mindful meditation as a way to connect to your true self, and your inner voice of truth.

Find a quiet place to sit. Now, close your eyes. Take a deep breath in and out. If your mind begins to wander at any time, bring your focus and awareness back to your breath.

Say to yourself, "Let my heart speak only truth to me. Let it guide me to where I wish to be."

Tell yourself, "I release my inauthentic self and I surrender to who I am."

Assert, "I choose to be present in all areas of my life."

Affirm, "I am open and available in love and sex."

Take another deep breath in and out. Bring your focus back to end your meditation and when you’re ready, open your eyes.

Take a few minutes to sit with what you’re feeling or experiencing in your body. Accept the outcome of your meditation with self-love and non-judgment.

By meditating on your most real and present self, you’re calling forth positive energy into supporting yourself and moving that energy into your relationships. This will help you learn how to practice mindfulness and how to live in the moment so you can connect to your partner more openly with deeper intimacy.

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Ora Nadrich is a certified life coach and mindfulness teacher. She's also the president of the Institute for Transformational Thinking and author of Live True: A Mindfulness Guide to Authenticity.

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