Experts In Their 50s And 60s Who Stayed Married For Decades Reveal 4 Things That Things Matter Way More Than Romance
mapodile | Canva There's always a time in your relationship when your partner just gets on your nerves — people in their 50s and 60s know all too well.
After so many years together, how could he not know what your favorite movie is? How many times do you need to remind him to take out the garbage? Or isn't it crazy how he always gets toothpaste all over the sink? But doesn't ever clean it up? You're his partner, not his babysitter. Is it possible to ignore everything and love him unconditionally?
All of the annoying little things he does add up over time, and it becomes difficult to give him love unconditionally. It's an uphill battle, really. As a result, you can accidentally start putting limits on your love. He didn't do what I asked him to, so no hanky panky tonight. Or I'll just not talk to him, and then he'll get the message that he messed up. These actions seem like a great idea at the time, but can end up ruining your relationship.
Experts in their 50s and 60s who’ve stayed married for decades say these 4 things matter way more than romance:
1. Loving yourself first
"Learning to love your partner unconditionally starts with loving yourself. Accepting your mistakes, flaws, and parts that aren’t so likable makes it much more likely that you’ll approach your partner in the same way.
The two things we all want from the person we love are to be forgiven when necessary and reassured that we're loved. This is one powerful way to cultivate unconditional love in your relationship."
— Dr. Sue Mandel, psychologist and dating coach
2. Learning how to listen
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"If you don’t already have great communication skills, you should learn them! Repeat back what the other says so that you both feel heard and accurately understood. There’s something magically connecting when you feel understood, even if your partner disagrees with you.
However, don’t confuse unconditional love and unconditional tolerance. You can love your partner unconditionally, but choose not to live with his or her choices. Repeated infidelity, active drug or alcohol dependence, verbal or physical abuse are a few of the behavior choices that do not deserve tolerance, although your love may never be in question."
— Nancy Landrum, M.A., relationship coach
3. Compromising
“One common source of pain with our partners is money. Couples fight because how your partner handles money can drive you nuts or make you feel awful. In fact, money is the number one reason couples divorce.
In fact, 70 percent of couples are married to someone who views money differently from how they do. And they’re not going to change. It’s hardwired into who they are.
But don't despair. Figure out your differences, and try little by little to love the positives of their opposite. If they love to save and you hate it, see the benefit a savings stash provides you down the road.
If they love to spend and you hate it, recognize the great things you have or the memories you’ve made because they encourage you to loosen the purse strings a little. Find ways to love unconditionally, how they are wired, and learn new ways to work together, even if it seems impossible right now.”
— Scott & Bethany Palmer, "The Money Couple," financial planners
4. Accepting your partner for who they are
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"One of the best ways to love our partner unconditionally is by accepting them unconditionally. Accepting them exactly where they're at, without needing them to change. Really allowing them to be fully themselves, warts and all. Because when we need them to be different, it's because we're the ones who feel uncomfortable."
— Kelly Ann Garnett, love attraction coach, and life coach
Jamille Jones is a freelance writer who taught English in Hiroshima, Japan, for 2 years.
