11 Prime Examples Of Emotional Neglect That Can Seriously Harm A Marriage
G-Stock Studio | Shutterstock Marriage is a beautiful journey when all is going well. Life will throw curveballs, losses and struggles, but couples can find comfort in knowing they will navigate these together.
Sometimes, however, sneaky forms of emotional neglect enter the picture, and that happy union is disrupted. This can do immense harm to a marriage, as they experience the loss of connection and trust.
11 prime examples of emotional neglect that can seriously harm a marriage
1. Ignoring attempts to be vulnerable with them
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If, when you try to be vulnerable about your feelings or talk about a hard time you're having, you're met consistently with cold responses and uncaring gazes from your partner, that can be a form of emotional neglect.
When times get tough and your partner isn't willing to meet you halfway there, what can you do? If you try to explain what you need and are willing to compromise (for example, if your partner is working and can't sit down and talk, or after they've had a particularly tough day themselves), but they are not, the behavior can seriously harm a marriage.
People with an unwillingness to change or compromise can't be argued with. This means that the next best course of action is figuring out what's best for you.
2. Withholding affection
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Pretty much everyone needs affection in order to feel loved. This is especially true when you're in a marriage, and without it, a lot of harm can result. When one partner withholds affection, it can become emotional neglect.
Whether it's a build-up of resentment or a lost spark, the outcome of zero affection or warmth is still the same. Rejection leads to hurt feelings such as jealousy, loneliness, shame, guilt, embarrassment, and even social anxiety, according to a study published in Dialogues in Clinical Neuroscience.
It's important to address the issue head-on and ask your partner what's bothering them. By letting them know that you're a safe place and that you will not judge them for their emotions, you're creating a safe environment for your partner to let their guard down. And that, in turn, will hopefully create a stronger bond.
3. Acting like their bad behavior is perfectly normal
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In marriage, people have good days and bad days. That said, major mood swings can take a toll on a persons's spouse, especially when they're told by their spouse that the behavior is normal. When this happens again and again over a long period of time, a lot of anger and resentment can build, doing immense harm to the marriage.
According to a study published in the Journal of Research in Personality, feeling angry towards a romantic partner leads to destructive behaviors like hostility, complaining, rejection, and even intimate partner violence.
Knowing this, couples should be wary of how they act with one another, and call each other out respectfully when it becomes problematic. Otherwise, you'll find your marriage becoming increasingly tense as your partner continues with their hurtful actions.
4. Consistently dismissing legitimate concerns
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There's never been a marriage where everyone behaved well and things went swimmingly all the time. That's why every couple will need to have conversations about their concerns in the relationship, including unmet needs.
According to reasearch from The Gottman Institute, there are four "horsement" of marriage that predict divorce. One of these is stonewalling, where someone basically acts like a stone wall when their partner is trying to get through to them. They are impenetrable and unmoving.
Stonewalling prevents open and honest communication, and can lead to more ingense and frequent arguments as one person begins to grow frustrated and desperate to be heard. To avoid serious harm being done to a marriage, the stonewalling must stop and each partner must make a serious effort to hear each other's concerns.
5. Avoiding quality time
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Spending quality time with your partner is key to keeping the relationship alive. Whether you choose to stay in and cook or go out for dinner and a movie, making time for one another creates lasting bonds.
Of course, everyone gets busy. When kids come along, it's hard to find time to spend time together. But if you're being emotionally neglected in marriage, one of you is actively avoiding spending time together. That's when it goes from a little problem to solve together to a major source of harm in a marriage, bordering on emotional neglect.
Knowing this, couples should sit down and create goals to spend time together. Whether it's one hour each day or on the weekend, having these goals ensures that you're strengthening your bond every single day.
6. Making their partner feel like the enemy
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Experts say that marriage is strengthened by thinking of your relationship as a team. Together, couples achieve more, support one another's dreams and passions, and tackle the difficult days alongside one another. That means raising children, doing household chores, and scheduling appointments as a team.
But if you're being emotionally neglected in your marriage, this might seem like a foreign concept. You're likely used to picking up the slack and giving it your all, while your partner doesn't put in effort. And it can be damaging to your mental health and harm your marriage
For example, a study published in the Archives of Women's Mental Health found that mothers who took on greater household responsibilities had an increased risk of stress and other mental health issues. Consider the amount of exhaustion you're facing in your marriage and how it can lead to burnout if you're not careful.
Then, have a discussion with your partner about putting in equal work, reminding them that you're a team, you're not enemies.
7. Acting like their single, even in a marriage
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When couples get married, they almost always intend to merge their lives, to live and enjoy life together. They'd share a group of friends, take vacations together, and celebrate their big life events with one another. But there are emotionally neglectful partners who continue acting like they're single, even after they're married.
It should come as no surprise that this could lead to profound loneliness, at least in the partner that feels left behind. Not only can this seriously harm a marraige, but loneliness can lead to negative consequences. Human beings are social creatures that need connection to thrive. Additional research from the American Journal of Lifestyle Medicine found that social connection boosts mood, lowers blood pressure, and decreases mortality.
In a marriage, people sometimes drift apart. The person who is drifting away may not intend to do this, so it's possible that it's not too late to make a change. As long as both parties are willing to work on it, that feeling of loneliness can slowly decrease.
8. You struggle to find things to talk about
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When people are happily married, they rarely struggle to find things to talk about. If they do, and that goes on for a long time, it can be a sign the marriage needs help.
It's a common misconception that you need to know the right words before speaking to someone, but if you're being emotionally neglected by your partner, having a simple conversation won't come easy. This can feel an awful lot like emotional neglect.
To avoid this, couples should do their best to try new things together, as this will improve their intimacy. According to a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, couples who tried new things tended to have a more satisfying intimate life as it boosted their desires. However, if one partner won't do their part to find ways to improve, their marriage may be in serious trouble.
9. They constantly criticize or belittle you
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Feeling belittled or picked-on by your partner may not feel like emotional neglect, after all, they're definitely engaging with you. They probably even say things like, "I wouldn't be this way if you would stop doing these things!" to make you feel like it's your fault. But if a partner knows what emotional needs to meet and simply doesn't do it, that's neglect.
Going to your significant other when you're feeling upset is already tough; after all, it's difficult to open up and express those tightly sealed emotions. However, when your partner meets your vulnerability with criticism, it's incredibly painful, and can make you hesitant to open up in the future. No wonder this behavior can damage a marriage.
So, if you're in a situation like this and feeling "crazy" because of this sneaking feeling of being neglected or abandoned, know that you're not crazy. Something is wrong.
10. Daydreaming to escape reality
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Daydreaming can be a source of inspiration or creativity, or as a way to process tough emotions. But if you find yourself daydreaming constantly, especially when you're with your partner, it may be a sign that something has gone wrong. During moments like these, you might feel tempted to ignore the problem and put yourself in an alternate reality. But ignoring the issue will only cause tensions to rise. Worse, you may be emotionally neglecting your partner or your marriage.
It's best to figure out what you're daydreaming about most and go from there. For example, if you're thinking about receiving love or affection from your partner, perhaps your partner isn't meeting your daily needs and this is where the neglect starts. Or, maybe you're daydreaming about going on an adventure together, meaning you wish your partner would follow through. By identifying the problem, you can find ways to bring it up to your partner, having an effective and productive conversation.
11. Surface-level 'nice' behavior
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One of the sneakiest examples of emotional neglect is when someone is acts nice, but their partner knows that's not the full truth. And, while everyone does this sometimes when they're emotionally overwhelmed or exhausted, or simply need time to process, doing it for weeks on end (or longer) can feel cruel,
If you walk around your home and you don't know what your partner is feeling, it can be disconcerting. It's even worse when they seem to be telling you a lie about being fine, because you start to mistrust your instincts.
While we don't know why someone would do this, and whether they know that it's an unkind thing to do, it cannot continue without seriously harming a marriage. Each partner needs to feel emotionally safe, and when they're doubting themselves (and their spouse) that simply cannot happen.
Hopefully, when these signs pop up in a marriage, the couple can get support and grow past it. If not, then it might be time to recognize that it may never stop and decide where to go from there.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, family, and astrology topics.
