5 Easy Ways To Stop Obsessing Over The Guy You Like (Who Isn't Into You)

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Sad woman on her phone

Many times, when I see single women in my office for therapy, they talk about the men they are dating. They want to find out how to stop thinking about someone who isn't making them a priority.

I've always been struck by how they still wait for that text message before going to sleep and lose endless hours if their boyfriend hasn't called them. They become physically anxious as they describe the tension they feel, wondering if this guy is going to ask them out for the weekend.

As I look at these women (many of whom are doctors, lawyers, teachers, nurses, and businesswomen), I'm puzzled. These women are gorgeous, successful, and could have any guy they want.

Why are they putting up with a guy who has them on pins and needles waiting for a call?

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A 2010 study from the University of Virginia sheds light on women who obsess about a man. The study suggests that the obsession itself may actually fuel their fire.

Even though we may hate this obsessing, it appears that obsessing fuels women to like the guy more.

The researchers of this study, Erin R. Whitchurch, Timothy D. Wilson, and Daniel T. Gilbert, state that women find men more appealing if the men might like them, rather than men who definitely do. However, the women had to feel like there was some interest in the guy keeping them on pins and needles.

For the women in my office, this most likely means the guy is giving them some attention to fuel their obsession. But many times, the obsession takes over and women may find they cannot stay focused at work, which begins to feed their feelings of doubt.

RELATED: 8 Signs He's A Player And Will Never Commit To You

Here are 5 ways to finally stop obsessing over the guy you like when he won't give you the time of day:

1. Get in touch with your fears

Sometimes, writing down or talking about this fear helps get it out of your head.

2. Limit your obsessiveness

Plan a time of day and a specific amount of time (15 minutes) you will allow yourself to obsess. When the thought comes to you and it isn't that time of day, tell yourself it is not time and reserve that thought for the time permitted.



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3. Utilize help from friends

Friends can help you differentiate fiction from fact. If you are sure he is out with someone else and there is no evidence, your friends can assure you that you shouldn’t think like this until you have clear evidence.

4. Distract yourself

Whenever you begin to obsess, transplant a different thought or action into your schedule.

For example, whenever you begin to obsess, tell yourself you will do twenty crunches or push-ups. Soon, you will either find yourself thinking of reasons not to think about him, or you will be working toward a buff chest and tight tummy.



5. Shut off all communication

If you are worried he won't call and you make yourself unavailable, this helps preserve the ego. You can tell yourself maybe he called or maybe he didn't, but you were unavailable. It gives the control back to you.

Anyone who has ever obsessed about anyone's affection knows how terribly out of control it feels. It may fuel the affection, but it distracts you from being who you want to be.

The question isn't will he like you or not? The question is: Do you like yourself enough to acknowledge the obsessive thoughts, but not let them control your life?

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Mary Jo Rapini MEd, LPC is a psychotherapist, author, speaker, and intimacy counselor.