4 Early Red Flags That Prove He's Not Someone You Can Build A Future With
Before you invest your time and heart, watch for these things.
Logan Stone | Unsplash Even if you didn't meet your last love interest online, chances are you did some cyber-snooping on Google or his social media accounts. And why shouldn't you? After all, if he's anything like the rest of us, he spends hours each day on these sites.
How he portrays himself on his online accounts may say a lot about how he is in real life. Case in point: Guys who post tons of selfies on Instagram and Facebook tend to have more antisocial personality traits like narcissism than those who post fewer self-snaps, according to researchers from Ohio State University.
When you're falling for someone new, it's easy to ignore these little things. But these 'little things' often hold the biggest clues about whether he's truly partner material.
Here are 4 early red flags that prove he's not someone you can build a future with:
1. He repeats himself
Specifically, you notice he uses one word over and over: "I." "I've counted men using it almost 60 times in a little 'about me' section!" says online dating expert Julie Spira, author of The Perils of Cyber-Dating.
Of course, it's hard to describe your likes and dislikes without using the first person, but if every post, status, and comment starts off with "I," it's a sign that this guy is a little self-centered.
2. He's a downer
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"When you ask someone, 'How are you?' you want them to say, 'Fine, how about you?' Not, 'Horrible. I'm still getting over the flu, and my dog got sick, and my boss yelled at me, etc." explains Spira.
If you're interested in a guy, she suggests scrolling back and reading his last several social media posts. All negative? It's a sign that he's a glass-half-empty guy in real life, too. Tread carefully.
Research helps distinguish between someone going through a difficult time versus someone with entrenched negative patterns. Healthy relationships involve mutual support during challenges, but also require both partners to take responsibility for their emotional well-being and personal growth.
3. He's too upbeat
But an overload of joyous, celebratory messages should raise warning flags as well, says Spira.
We're all guilty of the occasional humblebrag-y Facebook status or ultra-filtered Instagram thirst trap. But if the guy you're interested in never seems to turn it off online, he may be inauthentic in real life, too, warns Spira. "While people may portray themselves to be a bit happier than they really are on social media, there should be some balance."
Research on emotional intelligence shows that healthy relationships require emotional granularity which is the ability to experience and express a full range of emotions appropriately. While excessive, avoidant positivity can signal emotional immaturity or incompatibility, genuine optimism and resilience are actually positive traits for long-term relationships.
4. He's on his phone all the time
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Most people's phone activity ebbs and flows: You might post three Instagram pics in a row from one blowout dinner party, then go a few days without checking it. That's normal, says Spira. But beware, guys whose phone use never seems to ebb.
While research has found that heavy internet users were more likely to be male and younger than non-heavy users, that doesn't mean excessive internet use is exclusively a male issue. Rather than being a simple predictor of someone's relationship potential, excessive internet use often appears to be symptomatic of deeper attachment and emotional regulation issues.
People who are on their phones and social media constantly tend to be using it for external validation, she explains. In real life, these over-sharers tend to be insecure, needy, and egotistical — not exactly what you'd call a winning combo.
Mirel Ketchiff is a freelance writer and former editor of Shape Magazine.
