The Curse Of The Man-Child: 11 Signs You're Dealing With A Grown Man Who Refuses To Put On Big-Boy Pants
Molishka | Shutterstock Your desire to love and be loved shows how emotionally available you are, and if the guy you’re dating can’t meet you where you are, you'll be hard-pressed to find fulfillment in your relationship. The more you ask a man-child to connect on a deeper level, the more resistant he’ll be.
Here are a few signs you're dealing with a man-child who refuses to put on big-boy pants:
1. He's emotionally limited and can't get past surface-level chat
A man-child gives off a good first impression, but the more you get to know him, the more you see how emotionally limited he is. When you first start dating, a man-child knows exactly what to say to lure you in. He makes it seem like he’s emotionally available. When it comes down to it, though, a man-child lacks the emotional depth needed to express his feelings and truly connect to you.
All of your conversations stay on the surface level. If you ask how he feels, he makes a joke to avoid answering, or he simply says he doesn’t know. His charming, laid-back facade hides a darker truth, which is that he has no idea how to access his emotions or maintain a serious relationship.
2. He shuts down at the concept of being vulnerable
If a man isn’t willing to truly open up, you’re dealing with a man-child who can’t let himself be vulnerable. He keeps every interaction on the surface level because he’s too scared of true intimacy to share who he really is. When you try to find out about his hopes and fears, he brushes you off. His inability to be vulnerable reveals that he’s not as emotionally confident as he pretends to be.
According to psychologist Nick Wignall, being vulnerable is crucial for developing emotional confidence. He explained that “emotional stability comes from emotional confidence,” which can only be accessed “by being willing to be emotionally vulnerable — to acknowledge experience and express your emotions instead of trying to get rid of them or distract yourself from them. Have the courage to be vulnerable with your emotions, and your confidence to handle them won’t be far behind."
A man-child avoids any conversation that might bring you two closer together. He puts up walls and holds you at a distance because he can’t handle the idea of letting someone see into his soul.
3. He's all over the place and can’t regulate his emotions
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You’ll know you’re dealing with a man-child if he’s incapable of regulating his emotions. He doesn’t have the language to describe how he feels, which holds him back from processing those feelings. A man-child will fall apart when things don’t go his way, because he doesn’t have the emotional resilience to handle disappointment with grace.
If a man-child doesn’t get exactly what he wants, he throws a tantrum. He either lashes out and blames you or he shuts down, sulking and giving you the silent treatment. His outbursts are an overt sign that he’s too emotionally immature to self-regulate.
According to the Council for Relationships, emotional awareness is the key to regulating your emotions. Being present with your emotions involves “identifying the triggers that cause them and learning how to manage them effectively.” They pointed out that “regulating emotions is not about suppressing or pretending they do not exist but rather about acknowledging and finding healthy ways to express and manage them.”
4. He flicks off like a light switch during conflict
A man-child will shut down and go silent whenever conflict arises between you, no matter how minor. Instead of seeing conflict as an opportunity to open up and share his concerns, his fragile ego gets threatened by the fact that you’re not completely happy with him.
While conflict is an inevitable part of any relationship, it doesn’t automatically mean that the end is near. If people can respond to conflict with a sense of calm and a gentle curiosity about why their partner feels the way they do, they’ll ultimately grow even closer.
According to therapist Mary Kay Cocharo, “When conflict happens in your relationship, it's growth trying to happen. Each time we successfully negotiate a disagreement or negative feelings with our partner, we are deepening our emotional connection and nurturing our loving feelings for one another,” she concluded.
5. He can’t accept feedback, even the constructive kind
A man-child can’t accept feedback like a fully self-actualized adult. He reverts back to childhood and responds defensively. He thinks feedback is an attack on his character, instead of seeing it for what it really is: A way to reflect on his actions and work toward personal growth.
As experts at Kind Mind Psychology pointed out, feedback is a gift that couples can offer each other. “Positive feedback can provide encouragement and validation,” they explained. “Constructive criticism can be an essential tool for growth and self-awareness, reflecting back what we might have missed about ourselves.”
“With this increased self-awareness, we gain the power to make positive changes,” they shared. “We can identify our strengths and weaknesses, uncover patterns of behavior that may hold us back, and make informed decisions on how to improve.”
Accepting feedback with grace is part of making a relationship last, because it shows how committed a person is to show up for themselves and for their partner.
6. He needs constant validation and ego-stroking
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When you’re dealing with a man-child, his need for external validation is painfully obvious. He wants your attention at all times, and even more, he wants your praise for completing even the most minor tasks. He rarely helps out around the house, but he expects you to shower him with compliments every time he washes a dish or does a load of laundry.
A man-child takes bragging to new heights. He talks about himself constantly and rarely asks you questions about yourself. He thinks that talking up his achievements makes him seem confident, but really, it reveals all of his underlying insecurities. His need for constant validation becomes especially evident whenever he’s upset. He doesn’t take responsibility for his own emotional landscape; rather, he expects you to boost his self-esteem and tell him how worthy he is.
“It’s human nature to want comfort and support from others when we’re upset or feeling bad,” psychologist Nick Wignall explained. “The problem is when you rely on other people to feel okay. If you’re in the habit of constantly seeking reassurance and outsourcing your painful feelings to other people, you’re telling your brain that you’re not capable of handling those difficult feelings yourself.
A man-child doesn’t have the emotional intelligence to manage how he feels on his own, which is why he expects you to make him feel better whenever he’s dealing with difficult emotions.
7. He lacks basic life skills and competency
More often than not, a man-child’s inability to take care of his own basic needs is an overt sign that he was coddled as a kid. His mom did everything for him, so he never learned the life skills needed to be a successful, independent adult. He might not say it out loud, but he expects you to tend to his every need, just like his mother did.
He leaves his dirty clothes in a pile on the floor, and if you ask him to do laundry, he says he doesn’t know how. His technique for loading the dishwasher is utterly chaotic, so you end up doing it yourself. He relies on learned helplessness to make sure he never has to pitch in around the house, and on the rare occasions that he does chores, he puts in such minimal effort that you eventually stop asking for his help.
Whether it's subconscious or not, a man-child thinks running a home is a woman’s role. He doesn’t take initiative; rather, he waits for you to tell him what to do. He repeats the patterns his own mother instilled in him. As time goes on, his lack of basic life skills leaves you frustrated and resentful, wondering why you even put up with him.
8. He may see your mouth moving, but he doesn’t listen to you
A real man knows that listening is the most valuable way to show up for his partner, but a man-child flat-out refuses to listen. Marriage therapist Mary Kay Cocharo described a typical dynamic she sees with couples, where “women initiate couples therapy more than men, and often their husbands are acting like children.”
“These women tend to be angry and resentful. They want him to grow up, or else,” she shared. A man-child’s inability to truly listen comes down to a lack of empathy. As Cocharo pointed out, “Frequently, wives describe their partner’s inability to listen and empathize when she’s unhappy about something.”
She shared common refrains she hears from frustrated wives, like, “He only listens long enough to figure out how to solve it. I want him to hear me, validate me, [and] empathize. I don’t need him to solve my problems” or, “He isn’t present. He can’t or won’t give me his full attention. He’s distracted or acts bored. He says ‘I don’t know’ to get me to stop talking."
Some husbands go so far as to “refuse to talk about certain things,” avoiding serious topics, stonewalling, and minimizing their wives’ concerns. “It’s easy to see how husbands who act like children could ruin a relationship if not fixed,” Cocharo concluded. “Over time, a wife is likely to grow resentful and give up trying. Eventually, she may end up in divorce court, disillusioned and defeated.”
9. He doesn’t have long-term goals or anything he's excited about
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A man-child’s “go with the flow” mentality might be appealing at first, but the more involved you get, the more infuriating that attitude becomes. While you seek out ways to level up your career and grow as a person, he refuses to set definitive life goals. He makes excuses for his lack of ambition, saying he wants to see how things unfold, but all that really means is that he stands on the sidelines and watches opportunities pass him by.
He shuts you down whenever you ask about his hopes for the future. He complains that you’re trying to control him, but the truth is, he doesn’t know himself well enough to have any long-term goals. A man-child maintains that he’s laid-back and easy-going, but really, he’s too lazy to evolve.
10. He avoids commitment and probably can't spell it, either
Committing to another person is an act of enduring romance, but a man-child thinks it's a trap, designed to take away his freedom and make him miserable. While rushing immediately into a serious relationship isn’t the best move, at some point, casual couples have to decide if they want a shared future.
If you ask a man-child to define your relationship, he says he doesn’t want to label anything. In his mind, not assigning labels makes him chill, but really, it means he’s too much of a coward to commit to you. He avoids talking about heavier emotional topics, like moving in together or wanting kids.
According to Relationship Coach Clayton Olsen, expressing your needs early on is the best way to know whether a man is willing to make a commitment. "If the man isn't going to connect with you mentally and emotionally, then you know what you're getting into,” he explained. “Any man who can't commit to connection reveals immediately his true motivations for hanging out with you as well as what you can expect moving forward with him.”
A man who isn’t scared to say what he wants is way more attractive than a man-child who strings you along while avoiding commitment like it’s some kind of contagious disease.
11. He’s unreliable and flakes out on even the smallest plans
When a man genuinely cares about you, he follows through on what he says he’ll do. He shows up and continues showing up, because he knows that consistency is the ultimate turn-on. By being dependable, he proves how trustworthy he is, while being unreliable is an overt sign you’re dealing with a man-child.
A man-child cancels plans at the last minute, without offering an apology. He doesn’t pay attention to important details. He forgets your anniversary, and he doesn’t make any special plans for your birthday. His innate flakiness reveals how self-centered he really is. A man-child makes false promises that he has no intention of keeping.
He’s too scared of conflict to actually be honest with you. He leads you on because he doesn’t want to hurt your feelings. He’s not emotionally mature enough to realize that leading you on is more painful than telling you how he really feels.
According to therapist Esther Perel, ghosting and other avoidant behavior “are manifestations of the decline of empathy in our society — the promoting of one’s selfishness, without regard for the consequences of others. In this relationship culture, expectations and trust are in constant question.”
“It’s time to bring back relationship accountability,” she declared. “I encourage you to end relationships respectfully and conclusively, however brief they may be. Act with kindness and integrity. This allows both people to enter into [their] next relationship with more experience and a clear head, rather than filled with disappointment and insecurity."
Alexandra Blogier, MFA, is a staff writer who covers psychology, social issues, relationships, self-help topics, and human interest stories.
