If You Can’t Stop Thinking About Someone Who Doesn't Love You, These 5 Things Can Set You Free
Juan Pablo Serrano | Pexels Are you stuck in a one-sided relationship, thinking about someone who doesn't love you back? Maybe you keep hoping things will change, that they'll wake up one day and realize what they have. It's brutal to admit when someone doesn't feel the same way, especially when you're still holding onto what you once had — or what you wish you had.
If you can't stop thinking about someone who doesn't love you, you're more than likely too attached. You're grieving, nut there is a way forward. Letting go of unrequited love doesn't necessarily mean you're pretending you don't care or forcing yourself to feel a certain way; it's about choosing yourself. These things can help you break free from a one-sided relationship and finally set yourself free.
If you can't stop thinking about someone who doesn't love you, these 5 things can set you free:
1. Decide how serious you are about letting go
Before you begin any life-changing process, you must ask yourself how determined you are to actually do it. On a scale of 1-10, how close to a 10 are you? Because without steadfast determination, you will not be able to accomplish something as challenging as getting past a lost love. Research published in American Psychologist shows that people who make a clear, committed decision to change are far more likely to follow through than those who simply hope things will get better.
So are you ready to do this? Is there any part of you that is holding on to the possibility that things could work out? Do you feel like you aren't strong enough to do this yet?
If the answer to any of these questions is "yes", then perhaps you should wait a bit longer before you begin this process. Time is a great healer, and with some time, you will get stronger and be ready to take on this challenging task.
2. Write down the truth, the excuses, and what you really want
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How do you know that he doesn't love you?
There are reasons why you feel like he doesn't love you. Perhaps he no longer makes an effort to spend time with you. Or he doesn't return your text messages.
Or when you are going to bed, he just rolls over and turns off the light without kissing you. Or perhaps he tells you that he doesn't like or respect you, even as he lets you buy him that new bike or a fancy meal.
You know what I am talking about. Those things in your gut that are telling you that this relationship is wrong; those things you are ignoring.
What are you kidding yourself about?
Are there some things that you are doing to talk yourself out of the fact that he doesn't love you? Do you think that if you just do this one thing, he will start loving you again? Or perhaps you wonder how he does not love you because you know you are awesome?
I have a client who just doesn't get that her man doesn't love her. He isn't brave enough to break up with her and just treats her badly. She truly believes that he should love her and that if she just holds on long enough, he will know that too. And every day, she debases herself by doing his bidding and, surprise, he still doesn't love her.
What are some things you are doing to justify staying in this relationship? Take a good, hard look at them. Without understanding them, you won’t be able to let him go.
What do you want in a relationship?
If you don’t know what you want in a relationship, then you will most definitely be more likely to stay in one that isn't serving you. Take some time and write down what you want in a relationship. Most likely, you will find that what is important to you isn't present in your current relationship.
Once you have made your lists, refer to them often. When we are in the midst of emotional turmoil, our brains get cloudy, and we can’t think clearly. If you have these lists in front of you, they can remind you of why you have to break up with this person, and you will be able to stay steadfast in your determination to get it done!
Researchers at the University of Arizona found that people who reflected on their relationship came out the other side with a much stronger sense of who they were, and that clarity is what actually helped them feel less emotionally wrecked. These lists help get everything out of your brain and onto paper so you have something real to look at when your emotions try to talk you out of what you already know.
3. Go no contact
I know that we all think that we need "closure" at the end of a relationship, that final conversation where everyone gets to say what they want to say, and you understand each other and walk away as friends. I am here to tell you that closure is a myth. Closure is simply one last chance to spend time with and talk to that person you still love. Because really, if you could have a conversation and finally understand each other, why couldn't you make it work as a couple?
So when you've decided that the relationship is over, cut him off. Block him on your phone, disconnect on social media, and stay away from places where you know he will be. Why? Because what you need to do is break the connection you have to this person, to change your habits. Research published in Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking found that people who continued checking up on their exes on social media experienced more distress and had a harder time moving on than those who cut contact.
Think about Oreo cookies. You know how hard it is to eat just one? It’s the same with your man. Even one point of contact can draw you back into his circle, the circle that you have decided that you are determined to break yourself out of. So go no contact right away. It will make the process way easier!
4. Stop telling yourself this was your only chance at love
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I find this to be the number one obstacle to my clients breaking up with someone who doesn't love them. Almost without exception, people who are in relationships that aren't making them happy don’t try to get out of them because they believe that there will never be another person for them. That if they break up with this person, they will be alone forever!
But that just isn't true. There are many, many fish in the sea, and there is one for you. Of course, if you never have a chance to go fishing, because you are still with this person who doesn't love you, then you won’t find that person. But if you can be brave enough to act and break up with him, then you will be setting yourself up for finding the love of your life.
People who were afraid of being alone were more likely to stay stuck in relationships that weren't making them happy, even when they knew it wasn't working, one study explained. The fear of never finding someone else kept them settling for less than they deserved, because having somebody (even the wrong somebody) felt safer than being on their own.
A client of mine was in a horrible relationship, one that made her feel horrible about herself. She kept on breaking up with her guy and then taking him back. And then one day, after another breakup, she was invited to a dance party. At that dance party, which she never would have gone to if she had still been dating the guy, she met the love of her life. How awesome is that!
5. Start living again
I know that right now you feel like you might never love again, but putting yourself back out there doesn't mean you have to fall in love. Putting yourself back out there means that you get dressed up, flirt, date, and have a lot of fun. And you will, you will, find another love, but in the meantime, you can enjoy yourself and the freedom that you have as a single girl. Research on something called "self-expansion" shows that trying new activities after a breakup actually reduces emotional distress and helps people rebuild their sense of identity.
So embrace it! Letting go of someone who doesn't love you is an incredibly hard thing to do. You are holding onto the feelings that you had for each other in the beginning, the feelings of excitement about the future that you shared. You want them to come back and for him to love you, and that all will be fine.
But you know, in your gut, that it isn't going to happen. So take action! Get determined, identify exactly why you are breaking up, cut off all contact with him, believe that your next love is out there, and then get out there and find him. The next short period of time will be painful; saying goodbye to someone always is. But once you are through it, life will go on, and you will be in a position to find that guy who will love you forever. And you will be happy!
Mitzi Bockmann is a NYC-based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate. She works exclusively with women to help them be all that they want to be in this crazy world in which we live.
