You Can Usually Tell Someone Is Secretly Cheating By These 12 Oddly Concerning Behaviors
Liza Summer | Canva Contrary to popular opinion, a partner who secretly cheats doesn’t always spell the end of a marriage. Although it’s often extraordinarily difficult to repair the damage, there’s no question that many couples succeed in doing so. So you don’t have to be afraid to look for signs your spouse is cheating. If your partner's been hiding something, the damage can be repaired.
If you suspect your husband or wife has betrayed you, the choice of whether or not to look for clues is entirely up to you. Whatever you decide, there's hope. Research has shown that some couples who experience infidelity figure out how to remain together. That’s why it is important to have some signs to watch out for these oddly concerning behaviors that become obvious once you have confirmation that a partner is cheating. This will help interpret an unfaithful spouse’s behavior in a way that’s useful and healing.
You can usually tell someone is secretly cheating by these 12 oddly concerning behaviors:
1. They've become distant
If they’re closed off or are unwilling to discuss marital issues as they come up, you are correct in feeling this is a problem. But remember that every marriage is different. You have to be careful because unfounded accusations can do tremendous damage to the recovery of your marriage, but you have a right to be concerned if these feelings come up with any regularity.
2. Their guard is up
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When a person becomes defensive easily, especially in response to questions about what they’ve been doing, it is a cause for concern. Defensive behavior pushes people away, and you are natural to feel like you want to withdraw.
Couples counselor Mary Jo Rapini suggested that when a person is defensive, "withdrawal from the other partner is a common response, and a relationship may eventually crumble due to the lack of healthy communication. We all communicate with our eyes, our mouths, and our bodies. Just as we show incredible love through our gestures, we can cut someone deeply with our gestures, too."
3. They're moody
If they vacillate between being irritable with you and doting on you in a way that seems forced or excessive, you're justified in your suspicions. Relationship coach Virginia Clark understands how with cheaters, "the situation is classic. He pursues you, so you lean in. And as soon as you do, he starts to pull away. You frantically search for the man inside him who was so hot for you before. He must still feel that way. He just doesn't know it."
Clark continued, "The trap is believing there is something you must fix, or that you did something wrong, to make him suddenly turn cold. Instead of trying to figure out how to make the behavior stop, you need to understand why he is this way. Then maybe you'll see that you're not the problem, nor is it your mission to change him."
4. They seem to be hiding something
When they seem consistently nervous or secretive and won’t reveal the source of their discomfort openly, it can make you feel like you need to search for the cause. Remember, there's no set of hard and fast rules that apply in every single case.
Don’t be alarmed if one or two things pop up from time to time that seem secretive, and don’t go looking for evidence where there isn’t any. If we look for something hard enough, we’re probably going to find it whether it’s there or not, so do everyone a favor and stay as objective as possible.
5. They spend a lot more time with their phone
Divorce attorney Ronald Bavero advised that ignoring a partner in favor of a device is a bad sign. "We are all constantly being enticed to ignore people physically present around us, including our partners, in favor of interacting with our virtual friends and contacts on our phones."
If your partner is consistently preoccupied with their phone, computer, or other devices, you might suspect it’s for sneaky reasons, especially if they are still secretly using an online dating app. According to one survey, almost 63% of Tinder users are either in a relationship or married. Yikes.
When they start closing windows quickly or getting angry if you come near them when they're on their iPhone, it is highly suspect. But be careful with this one, as some people are simply more private than others, and it might be nothing to worry about.
6. Their search history is always recently deleted
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You notice they’ve started deleting their search engine or browser histories for no apparent reason. While you're probably not snooping around trying to find this, if they’ve already given you a reason to wonder, this could be suspicious behavior, depending on how private a person they are in general.
"Privacy is different than dishonesty," suggested divorce coach and marriage therapist Margot Brown. "Mutual respect for privacy is essential, and the same holds when honoring one another's bravery in being honest." When addressing the suspicious browser history (or lack thereof), "speak without judging their reaction, while sharing your honest thoughts in return."
7. They keep plans vague, then give too much information
When they provide information about their future, they are consistently vague about the details. Then, when explaining past activities, they go overboard by giving an excess of unimportant information without being asked.
When someone is lying, they often give unprompted, irrelevant details to be more convincing. Although suspicion and mistrust are perfectly normal reactions to infidelity, don’t drive yourself bonkers with obsessive worry or nosiness.
8. They've become inexplicably vain
If they develop a sudden and inexplicable increase in interest in their appearance, it could be a sign they are taking better care of themselves. But if they start dressing up more than usual and wearing cologne or perfume outside of their routine, it could be a sign of something way worse. If it’s clearly not something they normally do, there might be reason for suspicion.
Life coach Patty Blue Hayes described what happened when she missed seeing the signs of cheating: "My ex even had me shave the back of his neck and trim the errant patches on his mid-back, and little did I know I was grooming him for his new partners. Of course, physical fitness is healthy, but when it becomes obsessive, and he keeps showing off his abs and biceps, take it as a warning sign that could lead him to become more enthralled with his own body than his commitment to your marriage."
9. Their emotions are inconsistent
If they suddenly become dreamy or giddy for no apparent reason, it could be them daydreaming about someone else. You don’t have to give up on your marriage if your partner has been emotionally inconsistent, but you do have to be careful.
Without becoming domineering or forever mistrustful, you have to pay attention to the signals that your partner is communicating to you. People reveal who they are through their actions, but only as long as we’re listening to what they have to say.
10. They aren't there for you
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Suddenly, you notice they’re not as present for you as they’ve typically been in the past. This is especially true for activities you always used to share, or when you are facing difficult moments.
Researcher Brit Brogaard, Ph.D., added, "If you make plans to do something together, and they frequently cancel or change plans on you, or if you suggest doing something together, and their typical reply is that they'd prefer to play it by ear, this is likely so they can see whether better options come along."
11. They're acting cocky
One of the things that fuels infidelity is a sense of entitlement. A cheating partner can come to believe they deserve to have an affair. You can’t expect the cheating to stop if this sense of entitlement doesn’t start to disappear. If your cheating partner lacks an overall sense of humility, it might be a sign they haven’t outgrown this hurtful quality.
Marriage counselor Sally Leboy said a cheating partner "often sees themselves as special, and may feel entitled to operate outside of normal legal and ethical constraints. There may be a sense that the rules do not apply to them. They may feel they are too special to get caught, or if caught, they imagine they will be easily forgiven. Self-gratification trumps fidelity and comes at the expense of the people who love and rely on them."
12. Things just feel off
Hopefully, you’ve processed your feelings of betrayal enough to make sure your judgment is sound before you make any accusations. But if something consistently seems off or unsatisfying about your spouse’s behavior, there might be a good reason.
It’s perfectly natural to be vigilant if you suspect you are experiencing the pain of infidelity. It’s also a smart thing to do, as long as you can do it without being hurtful or obsessive. Above all else, paying attention to these oddly concerning behaviors your partner exhibits will be the most beneficial.
C. Mellie Smith is a relationship and infidelity expert who uses her expertise to offer programs and tools to help other couples dealing with infidelity.
