Psychology Says These Are The 5 Boundaries People Refuse To Bend On After Being Betrayed
People who have been betrayed often set these firm boundaries, and they're not willing to compromise again.
Samantha Sokolova | Unsplash All healthy relationships rely, in some way or another, on healthy boundaries. 'Boundaries' are often confused with 'restrictions,' which couldn't be farther from the truth. Some would argue that they give the couple a sense of freedom to express their thoughts, feelings, and needs, while honoring the same things for their partner.
To have a healthy relationship after betrayal — one that can grow and be fruitful — it must have boundaries that support it. Like a home with a stable foundation, boundaries support the relationship through life's trials and tribulations.
Psychology says these are the five boundaries people refuse ot bend on after being betrayed:
1. No contact with exes
The number one essential boundary — the one without which any efforts to survive the infidelity will be ineffective — is that the cheater has no contact with the person with whom they were having an affair. This means no phone calls, no texting, no in-person contact, and no following on social media. None.
Unless the cheater can break the tie that binds the two lovers together, there's no chance the marriage can survive. The things that initially brought the two together are things that still exist, and those things are strong and compelling.
If the cheater is allowed to continue that attachment, it will leave no room for the married couple to get closer again. So, set a boundary so that the cheater will no longer be in contact with their lover. If necessary, set up systems whereby the betrayed partner can be assured that the contact is not happening. If your partner won’t agree to no contact, I would encourage you to walk away and start living life on your own.
2. No lies, even little ones
Perfect Wave / Shutterstock
Spouses who've been betrayed in their marriage are eager to know all of the details about the affair. How it started, where the lovers met, what was the intimacy like, and why didn’t it end.
These are details that cheaters are loath to share. While I believe that having all of this information isn’t necessarily going to help a couple in the healing process, many people cannot move forward without the details.
Unfortunately, many of the betrayers don't want to share the gory details. Many cheaters are filled with shame and remorse about what they did, and the prospect of sharing the details with their spouses reinforces that shame.
Because of this, many cheaters refuse to get into details, and instead, shut down and get angry with their spouses. This behavior does not aid in the healing process.
It's important that if your spouse wants the details, you're willing to share them. Doing so will allow your partner to stop running negative tapes in their head, ones that are perhaps false, and allow them to start moving forward. Furthermore, it will go a long way toward restoring trust because the partner will know that the cheater is willing to give them the information they need.
When couples make a promise of openness, they commit to a shared understanding of their expectations and intentions, building a foundation of trust and intimacy that strengthens their bond. A 2020 study indicated that building emotional openness requires creating a safe space within the relationship where both partners feel comfortable sharing their vulnerabilities without fear of criticism or judgment.
3. No passive aggression
Many people who've been cheated on are very angry. Deeply angry, betrayed, and hurt. And conveying that anger and hurt productively feels impossible.
Instead, their anger comes out as passive aggression, and that doesn’t help anybody. According to Dictionary.com, the definition of passive-aggressive behavior is, "...a way to express feelings of anger or annoyance, but in a non-forthcoming way. Instead of communicating openly, people who engage in this type of behavior share their negative feelings through actions."
What might passive aggression look like? Snide comments about the affair, unkind asides about the integrity of their partner, slamming doors, damaging property, being unkind, unsupportive, etc.
Passive-aggressive behaviors only serve to prolong the anger and slow the healing. Instead of practicing passive-aggressive behaviors, speak your anger out loud.
Of course, you can yell, which can be good as it releases pent-up energy. But the best way is to express your anger in a tempered way so that your partner truly understands how you feel.
Research by the Gottman Institute clearly shows that passive-aggressive behavior is a destructive communication pattern that can severely damage romantic relationships. Avoiding this behavior and fostering open, assertive communication is crucial for building and maintaining healthy, fulfilling, and sustainable partnerships.
4. No airing dirty laundry
For example, after a woman confronts her husband about his cheating, he might want to delete the emails that she discovered. Why would he do that? Because he's worried that his wife will share the emails with all of her friends so they can analyze them together. He didn’t want the embarrassment, so he deleted the emails.
And he may have been right — his wife could have shared those emails with her friends. And it wouldn’t have helped anything. For many women, the need to discuss what happened with a close friend or confidant is compelling. I'm not saying you shouldn’t do that, but it’s important to do so with only one person.
The affair shouldn't be shared with your wider social group. Having people discuss a couple’s private life to get themselves involved where they shouldn’t and perhaps breed a taking of sides.
This will only serve to magnify what happened and stop the healing. Instead of sharing the affair with people outside of the partnership, I would encourage you to consult professionals to process what has happened, either individually or as a couple. A professional can help you work through the infidelity without an agenda, using learned skills to help you heal.
While openness and sharing are vital, maintaining a degree of privacy allows couples to navigate the delicate balance between togetherness and individuality. A 2023 study explained that this can take various forms, from respecting individual spaces and time to refraining from disclosing every single aspect of personal lives or the relationship to others, especially on social media.
5. No refusing to go to therapy
Yuri A / Shutterstock
When there's infidelity, a couple trying to save their marriage is in uncharted waters. Because you've never been through this before, you have no idea what to do and lack the necessary skills.
You must be willing to seek help to process what has happened and gain skills to work through it. Oftentimes, after infidelity, one partner is willing to get therapy, but the other partner wants to work through it alone or ignore it altogether. “Why can’t we just move on?” they say.
But if your partner isn’t willing to agree to seek help, then the chances of surviving infidelity and truly finding yourself back to each other as a couple are less than zero. So, as soon as you can, before bad habits set in, I would encourage couples to seek help.
I believe couples therapy is essential, but that individual therapy is an excellent idea, as well. The cheater will need to process what happened and their guilt around it. The partner will need to work through their feelings of worthlessness and betrayal. If they do their work, the more successful their work together will be.
Now that you know the five essential boundaries that can help a marriage survive infidelity, you can start working together toward saving your marriage. Couples must commit to working through the aftermath of an affair together.
The knowledge and acceptance of certain skills and behaviors are the keys to making it happen. Many, many couples can, and do, survive infidelity, but to do so, you must work together with the goal in mind of getting through this and establishing a healthier relationship.
Mitzi Bockmann is an NYC-based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate who works exclusively with women to help them be all they want to be. Mitzi's bylines have appeared in The Good Men Project, MSN, PopSugar, Prevention, Huffington Post, and Psych Central, among many others.
