Research Says These 2 Beliefs Are Secret Dealbreakers — Even In Happy Relationships
How happy relationships can fall apart so easily.
Erik Mclean | Unsplash Not easy doesn’t mean not meant to be. If a relationship takes work, does that mean it’s not meant to be? One of the most destructive beliefs for any relationship is this thought process: "If we need to work at it, there's something seriously wrong with our relationship." — American psychiatrist Aaron Beck
In essence, choosing a romantic partner is choosing a set of problems. Believing that being compatible with your partner means everything should come naturally is a sure way to naturally end any relationship you will have.
"Every relationship demands an effort to keep it on the right track; there is constant tension … between forces that hold you together and those that tear you apart." — American psychologist John Gottman
The belief that relationship success should not need effort robs relationships of the fire they need to burn. So many relationships turn their hot and passionate fire of love into ashes, just because the couple believes that being in love means never having to do anything demanding. This toxic belief shows up in two different ways.
These beliefs are secret dealbreakers, even in happy relationships:
1. You believe your partner should read your mind
Part of the no-effort relationship fairytale is the belief that couples can read each other's minds. My partner knows what I think, feel, and need, and I know the same for them.
The truth is, all couples are incapable of reading minds. Just the other day, my girlfriend said, "Kyle, I need more space." I've heard that before. My heart dropped. I went into shock.
Was our relationship doomed? I couldn't believe it. I thought everything was going so well. We were laughing until our stomachs hurt, kissing all the time. What did I do wrong?
Finally, I summoned the courage to ask, "What do you mean?" "Your fat behind is taking up too much of our chair," she said as she kissed me. Oh. I'm so glad I asked.
According to research from The University of Rochester, believing your partner should read your mind can harm a relationship, potentially leading to resentment and communication breakdown. The expectation that a partner will instinctively know your needs and wants without direct communication creates a false understanding and can lead to unmet expectations and disappointment.
In Nicholas Epley's book Mindwise, he asked couples to guess their partner's self-worth, abilities, and preferences on house chores on a scale from 1–5. He found that couples were accurate 44 percent of the time, despite believing they were right 82 percent of the time. Even more time together doesn't help. Rather, longer-term relationships "create an illusion of insight that far surpasses actual insight."
The quality of your relationship depends on your ability to understand your partner, and vice versa. The secret to understanding each other better seems not to come from mind-reading, but through the hard work of putting our partners in a position where they can tell us their minds openly and honestly.
It's quite delusional to believe in mind-reading. But it makes sense when many couples who believe this also believe that a couple should share 100% of each other's views on everything.
2. You believe relationships only work if you both agree on everything
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This belief ties well with reading minds. If you can read each other's minds, then you don't need communication; you can just assume your partner sees the world the way you do.
Even though you two speak the same language, you both grew up in a sea of different experiences. You were given separate dictionaries on life. This makes it impossible to share ALL of each other's assumptions and expectations.
Take Leah and David, for instance. Leah and David had just finished undergrad and were planning on getting married. David, a minimalist, went and signed a lease for a small apartment outside of Portland. He thought she'd be delighted. When he opened the door, she flipped.
Leah had been living in tiny apartments her entire life. Married couples were supposed to live in nice houses with new cars in the garage. She felt betrayed. He felt confused. The relationship didn't last much longer.
Research suggests that healthy relationships involve navigating disagreements and finding common ground rather than expecting unwavering agreement on all aspects of life. This expectation can lead to frustration, resentment, and, ultimately, breakdown.
A couple may agree on traditional roles or have similar views, but that's very different from assuming it as an entitlement. A no-effort relationship is not a great relationship; it's a doomed relationship. It takes effort to communicate and understand each other.
Love takes work. It takes work to expose and resolve conflicting beliefs and expectations. However, that doesn't mean there is no "happily ever after." It's more like, "they worked happily ever after."
Kyle Benson writes for The Gottman Institute where he focuses on the science of relationships. When not highlighting research, he writes for his blog where he takes the research on successful relationships and transforms them into practical tools.
