The Art Of Repair: 7 Clear Signs It's Time To Go To Couples Counseling
Couples counseling isn't a last resort. It's how strong couples stay strong.
Peopleimages | Shutterstock Maintaining a healthy long-term relationship takes work — and sometimes, that means asking for help. When you're caught in the same arguments or feeling like you've lost your connection, it's easy to assume things are falling apart. But couples counseling isn't a last-ditch effort to fix what's broken. It's a chance to understand each other better, rebuild trust, and learn how to communicate before resentment sets in.
Therapy is simply relationship maintenance — the emotional equivalent of tuning up a car that matters to you. Whether you're struggling to get past an argument, preparing for a major life change, or just feeling distant, getting a little professional help can make a huge difference. Here are seven clear signs it's time to go to couples counseling and start working together toward repair instead of apart toward regret.
Here are 7 clear signs it's time to go to couples counseling:
1. You keep having the same fight
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Forgive and forget? It's easier said than done. Some couples have the same fight over and over again, whether it's about finances or broken trust. Talking to a neutral third party might be the only way to resolve a recurring issue.
"Conflicts can be opportunities or even blessings in disguise," says LiYana Silver, a relationship expert and coach. "Addressing a problem gives partners a chance to build a stronger, closer relationship, but it often takes an outside perspective to see that."
2. One or both of you keeps saying, "It's not you, it's me."
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Ugh. No one wants to hear, "It's not you, it's me." And there's a good reason why: It's never just about one person. We inevitably bring our individual doubts and insecurities into our relationships.
If you aren't feeling good about the person you've become, it's time to get outside help. Doing so as a couple can help you and your partner work as allies. As you take responsibility for your happiness, your partner can practice coping strategies and learn how best to support you.
According to Dr. Marni Feuerman, a licensed psychotherapist, most couples are reluctant to seek counseling because of stigma, shame, or difficulty taking responsibility for relationship problems. When you're feeling disconnected from who you are, couples counseling creates a space where you can work together as partners rather than adversaries.
3. You're unhappy with your love life
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It's normal for people in long-term relationships to get into a rut, especially in the bedroom. But it's not healthy to stay in one. "If you find yourself feeling more attracted to others or thinking about cheating, it's time to invest time, energy, and creativity into your relationship," says Silver.
Fortunately, you and your partner have options. Even without therapy, there's a new, affordable way for couples to build intimacy. (We'll tell you more about it at the bottom of this post!)
4. You're facing (or healing from) a major life change
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It's common for couples to seek therapy after a trauma, like infidelity or a death in the family. But therapy is also a smart way to plan for a stressful transition, like having a child or starting a long-distance relationship.
Relationships are strained during times of change. Seeking help before actually going through a transition allows couples to anticipate issues and plan a strategy for working through them.
According to Dr. Sara Denman, a licensed psychologist, couples often experience emotional challenges during major transitions. She notes that "predicting a transition and developing some strategies to fend off depression beforehand are often very helpful," which involves identifying what may trigger challenging feelings and developing a plan to cope with them.
5. You get more emotional support from friends than from your partner
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We shouldn't expect our partners to meet all of our needs. Mr./Ms. Right is only one person!
According to Cayla Gensler, a licensed couples therapist, when one person feels unheard or neglected, it can lead to an emotional disconnect that threatens the relationship itself.
However, if you feel unheard, misunderstood, or disrespected by your partner, it's time for counseling. Staying in a relationship like this isn't healthy for anyone.
6. Your partner suggests counseling
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We're not offended when someone suggests seeking professional help for a sprained ankle or toothache. Therapy shouldn't be stigmatized either.
If your partner suggests counseling, he or she is not trying to say your relationship has hit rock bottom. Instead, your partner is communicating a desire to repair what you have and to make it stronger.
According to Erin Mason, a licensed psychotherapist, the desire to pursue couples therapy is most often a positive sign of an intention to learn and grow both individually and in the relationship. There's a stigmatized assumption that if you need a therapist, there must be something wrong, but therapists can help spotlight, celebrate, and expand on what's contributing to the success of a relationship.
7. You're both committed to making it work
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A relationship is a living thing. If you don't nurture it over time, it's going to die. Couples therapy is a commitment to a better relationship. It takes time, effort, and money ... and it's absolutely worth it.
"One of the tools for a lasting relationship is to learn and grow within it," Silver says. "You want support even when things aren't broken. You want to learn to love the other person better."
Amanda Green is a writer with experience in copywriting, branded content, social media, and editorial.
