If You've Already Accomplished These 7 Things, You Have A More Successful Marriage Than The Average Couple
JLco Julia Amaral | Unsplash My husband Kevin and I will be celebrating our 28th anniversary this year. No small feat, for sure. What's our secret to a thriving midlife marriage, besides not killing each other in our sleep? Being married for a quarter-century or more takes a lot of work, but I've boiled it down to a few key "staying strategies."
The important thing to remember about successful marriages is that they're less about never having problems and more about learning to handle them together. If you and your partner have managed to master these seven things, you're already doing better than most couples.
If you've already accomplished these 7 things, you have a more successful marriage than the average couple:
1. You've learned to fight fair and productively
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Every couple argues, but if you want to fight and stay married, you need to abide by a few rules so you don't end up in divorce court. I'm especially prone to pulling a "kitchen sink," where I lose focus on the disagreement at hand and argue (for the 147th time) about something that happened 16 years ago. Echoing the words of Elsa in Frozen, I just need to "let it go."
A study of over 1,100 couples who've been married 40 years or longer found that successful conflict resolution is a skill that develops over time. These long-term couples described handling disagreements as teamwork, where they learned what not to do and now walk through challenges together.
2. You've combined your strengths as a team
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You've both got a great sense of humor? Fantastic! Binge-watch Seinfeld together. You're a morning person, and he's a night owl? Great! Enjoy some alone time at the beginning and end of each day. You're a planner, and he's a free spirit? Terrific! Combine forces to stay on track with built-in flexibility. Do whatever works for your relationship to keep it going strong for another 25 years.
When work teams trust each other's strengths and assign tasks based on individual capabilities, both personal and team performance improve significantly. The same principle applies to marriage, where recognizing and utilizing complementary strengths creates a more effective partnership than competition ever could.
3. You regularly praise and appreciate each other
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When he does the dishes, verbally pat him on the back. (Ignore the fact that you've done the dishes the past 7,500 nights in a row without so much as an acknowledging nod from your spouse.) When she cooks an amazing, made-from-scratch meal instead of popping open a box of Hamburger Helper, point out how much you appreciate her cooking prowess.
Everyone likes to feel like they've done a good job or made a difference. It wouldn't kill you to say, "Thanks, hon! I appreciate your effort." And sometimes, recognizing the good stuff is simply being able to tolerate each other after all these years.
4. You've set realistic expectations for your relationship
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Do you really expect him to complete a household project with only one trip to Home Depot when every honey-do project since 1988 has required at least seven trips? Do you really expect her to remember to buy Moose Tracks ice cream if you don't write it down on the perpetual shopping list she's kept posted by the fridge for 25 years? Keep expectations real if you want to stay married forever. Face the fact that, no, you're not going to change him/her after a few decades. It is what it is.
Psychologist James McNulty tracked newlywed couples over four years and discovered something surprising. Marital satisfaction remained stable when expectations matched the couple's actual relationship skills, but dropped sharply when partners expected more than their communication abilities could deliver.
5. You've accepted each other's flaws without keeping score
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Do you need a Fixer-Upper fix with Chip and Joanna Gaines, but he's craving Shark Tank for a dose of Mark Cuban? Record your show and watch his now. She wants to order a pizza, and you want a home-cooked meal? Order the pizza or offer to cook. Really, it's that simple. Like my kids learned in kindergarten, "You get what you get, and you don't throw a fit." Just take one for the team and move on already. It's not worth losing a Friday night — or a marriage — over.
According to research in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, people who tend to forgive their romantic partners report higher relationship satisfaction. This happens because forgiveness increases the effort partners put into the relationship while reducing destructive conflict patterns.
6. You use humor to get through tough moments together
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Seriously, other than catastrophic illnesses, bankruptcy, and infidelity, most things can be assuaged with a good, hearty laugh. Find the funny in a bounced check, a ruined vacation, a disastrous plumbing project, or a forgotten anniversary. Sometimes you might need to put a little distance (in some cases, a lot of distance) between you and "the incident" before you find it funny. But after the sting of a bad situation wears off, laugh about it. Some of the best memories evolve from life's biggest hiccups. Embrace the screw-ups with a chuckle.
7. Your spouse is your first call with any news, good or bad
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There's a definite need for girl/guy friends in your life, but your spouse should be the one you run to with your best/worst news. Like Marcia Kester Doyle says on her Menopausal Mother blog, "He doesn't have a problem with hitting the drugstore in his pajamas at 2:00 AM for a tube of Monistat and a bottle of Pepto Bismol. He'll grab a six-pack of beer while he's there and tell the checkout lady that he's hosting a heck of a party." Stuff like that will carry you for 25 years.
Lisa Beach has three decades of experience covering content marketing, journalism, copywriting, public relations, and business writing for a variety of clients, from Fortune 500 corporations and small businesses to associations and nonprofits. She now primarily focuses on consumer and B2B writing about travel/food/lifestyle/wellness.
