Why You're Fixated On Breaking Up With Your Partner, Even Though You Don't Really Want To

How our past traumas impact our relationships.

couple breaking up Alena Darmel / Pexels via Canva

Do you think about breaking up with your partner at the slightest inconvenience? Are you struggling to stay in relationships?

If this is you, know you aren't alone. Many people struggle with committing to their relationships. But why does this happen, and how can we stop this poor habit?

Psychologist Dr. Aria Campbell Danesh is here to shed light on why we fixate on breaking up and what we can do to change this pattern once and for all.




Why You're Fixated On Breaking Up With Your Partner

The real reason you're constantly thinking about breaking things off even though deep down you don't really want to, Dr. Aria explains, is likely because of relationship anxiety.

RELATED: For The Person With Severe Relationship Anxiety, You're Not Alone


Roaring Brook Recovery Center states that relationship anxiety is based on fear, doubt, or insecurity about the future of your relationship.

They write, "Individuals who suffer from relationship anxiety often struggle with feelings of inadequacy, fear of rejection, and a lack of trust in their partner.” But where does this come from?

Relationship anxiety stems from perfectionism and hypersensitivity, according to Danesh. These issues occur due to prior experiences. From these experiences, our mind develops unhealthy methods to protect itself.

Breaking up with your partner is often a coping mechanism your mind uses to protect you from getting hurt.


But, as you can guess, this isn't great for a long-term, healthy relationship. So, what's the game plan then? Danesh believes that If you want to fix your relationship anxiety, you need to do these three things.

3 Ways To Fix Your Obsession With Breaking Up

1. Practice self-compassion.

"To ease your relationship anxiety, it's important to show yourself kindness," says Danesh. But that can be tough if you've never had someone show you compassion before.

So, if self-compassion is a challenge for you, there are a few things you can do.

Comfort your body through massages or long walks. Eat healthy and get plenty of rest.

Next, be encouraging to yourself. Talk to yourself the way you would a friend and be gentle. Be understanding of your struggles and find different ways to uplift yourself.




RELATED: 13 Signs You Should Break Up, Even If Your Relationship Is 'Fine'

2. Talking with your partner.

Opening up without having a meltdown is easier said than done. But if we want to help our relationship anxiety, then communication is key.

Better Health tells us to put away distractions while you're talking with your partner. It can feel tempting to fiddle with your phone during a tense conversation.


However, putting your phone away shows your partner how serious and committed you are to working through your problems.

Moreover, take breaks if you feel yourself getting overwhelmed. We never want to have a conversation when our feelings are going haywire. This can lead to misunderstandings and hurtful exchanges, which, over time, can lead to your relationship fizzling out.

Be sure to use "I" statements. Saying, "I feel this way," instead of, "You're making me feel this way," helps your partner feel less defensive and more receptive.



3. Seek guidance.

When things get hard, seeking guidance may be the best option. Even if you feel like you can handle things by yourself, ignoring these issues will only cause more hurt in the long run.


Sit down with a counselor and talk about your feelings. Through this, you'll better understand why you feel this way and what you can do about it.

Being in relationships can be challenging, but if we aim for the long haul, we must break the bad habit of jumping to break up.

RELATED: 3 Signs You Have "Relationship Anxiety" — And How Not To Spiral

Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, and family topics.