4 Small Things Even Great Husbands Do That Prevent Their Wives From Feeling Loved
You may have done it accidentally, but her hurt feelings are real.
Vera Prokhorova / Shutterstock If we want or expect something from someone we care for, shouldn't we be willing to give the same in return? Lots of men believe they're being loving and supportive — but they may not be doing it in a way that actually makes their partner feel loved.
Love should be a mutual action between partners in a relationship. Men often equate love with what they can provide, but women need more than that to feel love from their mates.
Not having the level of affection and care women show their partners reciprocated can cause an imbalance in the relationship and make a woman feel simply unloved.
Four things that prevent wives from feeling loved by their husbands
1. Using general (non-special) nicknames instead of her actual first name
How do we know when it's genuine? Why are sincere terms of endearment significant in our important relationships? Using nicknames or loving words isn't necessarily a bad thing as long as we are still being acknowledged by our real name — at least from time to time.
For the sake of privacy, I will refer to this couple as Nina and Dan. Nina came to me because she felt very hurt and frustrated.
Dan and Nina started dating more than five years ago. In the beginning, everything was going very well. (Often referred to as the Honeymoon Phase) As time went on she realized there were things about their relationship that made her question the sincerity of it all. She began to question whether or not she truly mattered to Dan.
Whenever Dan told her he loved her, he never called her by her name. His words, "I love you sweetheart" or if he was responding to a loving sentiment, he told her, "I love you too, sweetheart."
In the beginning, she believes she was special to him, however, as time went she wondered if he really knew her name or even how to say it.
When getting her attention, he never said, "Hey Nina" but rather, "Hey Sweetheart." A few times he slipped and called her by his ex-girlfriend's name. In all of their years together, not once had she ever heard him say, "I love you, Nina." Ouch — that hurts!
When we call someone by name it feels more personal. This allows us to feel genuinely significant and gives us the opportunity for a stronger connection with one another.
There isn't anything wrong with having nicknames for those we love and care about, however, hearing our own name makes it feel more sincere.
Nina began to wonder what she meant to him. Did he always refer to her as sweetheart because he was also involved with someone else? If he called Nina and every other woman in his life "sweetheart" maybe then he didn't have to worry about mistakenly calling anyone by the wrong name.
This was cemented even further when one day the two of them stopped at a restaurant and the hostess said, "I'll be right with you." Dan responded with, "Thank you, sweetheart." The expression was quickly losing its appeal as a sentiment of endearment. If he called every woman, sweetheart it didn't feel like it was a special term meant just for her.
2. They rarely (if ever) give sincere or unique compliments.
Nina also felt disheartened by the fact that in all of these years, Dan had only told her one time that she was beautiful.
The particular time that he did so was when she was all dressed up for a wedding. Adding fuel to the flame was the fact that Dan did not initiate the conversation, but his best friend Jason did.
Jason had repeatedly told Nina all through the day and evening how beautiful she looked. At one point, Jason said to Dan, “Oh my gosh, isn’t she beautiful! Look at her! Wow!” By this time, Dan was inebriated as he replied, “Yes. She does look beautiful.”
How does one trust the meaning of these words when they were only spoken at a time when Dan was all tanked up? Did he genuinely mean what he said or was it just the alcohol that gave him the courage to say agree with his best friend?
Nina didn't think she was the most beautiful person in the world but in her mind, she did feel like she was at least pretty. He had told her that she looked nice from time to time but nothing more.
How does a woman feel loved or important under these circumstances? How does she really know that she is special?
3. They have double standards for themselves compared to their partners.
Nina laughed when she shared this part of the story. Although she said it wasn't really funny to her but the whole thing was just so ridiculous and absurd.
Nina always tried to look nice. She felt better about herself when she was dressed well. She wasn't trying to impress anyone, but she liked making the effort to care about her appearance.
Dan on the other hand typically wore t-shirts. Half the time when he went somewhere with Nina, he wore t-shirts with holes or tears in them. Adding to her frustration was the fact that his pants always hung down his crack and he rarely wore a belt to hold them in place.
Nina joked, "I know young kids wear their pants halfway to their knee but you aren't seeing two inches of their butt crack. The fact of the matter is, Dan isn't a teenager who doesn't know any better, he's a grown man who just didn't care."
One day Dan and Nina were watching TV when an ad came on with a beautiful woman wearing high healed pointed toe dress shoes. Dan remarked to Nina, "You should wear shoes like that. They are hot!"
Nina all but laughed out loud as she pictured in her mind being out with Dan while she is all dressed up with her spiked high-heeled shoes and he is running around in his torn t-shirt and pants hanging halfway down his crack.
Dan clearly liked it when Nina looked nice but he was rarely willing to do the same for her. Shouldn't he care about making sure he looked nice for her if he really wanted her to keep up her appearances?
Dan had some nice clothes but that was only because Nina spent her own money to buy them for him. She was hoping he would get the subtle hint without trying to hurt him intentionally.
At whose expense does one need to look nice?
Nina also recalled a time when they were first getting to know one another. She didn't have nice fingernails so she spent the extra money every few weeks to have a manicure and get her nails polished. This wasn't cheap either but she had a great job and she budgeted for it.
She and Dan were sitting outside on the deck one day when Dan commented to her that her nails looked very nice.
She typically had them done with a French manicure look because it went with everything. Dan said, "I really like it when you have your nails done. You should get them painted red instead."
Looking back, Nina said, "I've always liked having my nails done." But you know what, after I lost my job and he knew I couldn't afford to do it anymore there was only one time that he offered to help cover the cost. Last year he gave me a gift certificate to the nail salon for Christmas which paid for one manicure and pedicure. I did appreciate the thoughtfulness of his gesture though."
4. They don't show how much their partners matter in their actions.
The problem here is that potentially Dan lacks self-worth. He may also be one of those guys who just doesn't give a crap about much of anything. But, if he wants a tender and loving relationship with Nina — he needs to step it up quite a few notches.
A woman who isn't shown that she matters isn't going to stay long-term if he is not willing to treat her any better than this.
If you want your partner to know they are important to you then you need to do your part to show them why and how they are someone who matters to you.
Relationships are not a one-way street where only one person is doing all of the work to make an effort while the other sits back and acts like they don't really care if you are around or not. Be creative, use your words, and show them why they make such a huge difference in your life.
Kathy Thielen is an energy healer and life coach who focuses on happiness, self-care, psychic healing, and relationships.