To The Woman He Didn't Choose

Don't let one person’s personal preference define your sense of self.

woman sitting outside Megan Ruth / Unsplash

Alright, I’m not going to sit here and tell you some lie about how he made the biggest mistake of his life by not choosing you, because it doesn’t matter.

Truth is, maybe not choosing you was a critical error on his part — or maybe his choice was the right one for him.

Who cares? Either way, what happens to him is none of your business anymore; that's what his choice means for you. This man looked at you, with all your gifts and general amazingness and, after careful consideration, said “Nah,” thus excusing himself from your concern.


No matter what happens next, he’s not on your radar anymore, understand?

Oh, he may come back and claim the choice he made was a poor one but, luckily for you, it was exactly what you needed. I know it’s all too easy for me to philosophize about how much better off you’ll be without him, but it’s a cliché because it’s the truth. This decision of his is setting you free from any more wasted time with someone you wouldn’t be really happy with.  



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Let’s be real here: What were you doing waiting for a man to make a decision about you in the first place?

When you dream about your ideal partner, do you fantasize about a guy who looks at you and just isn’t sure or one who knows exactly how he feels and goes for you completely?

Whether you’re looking for Mr. Forever or Mr. Right Now, finding someone who doesn’t treat you like a disposable option should be first on your list of requirements. As much as his rejection hurts right now, please take a minute to realize he did you a favor by getting out of the way and making room for someone who will value you authentically.

You’re allowed to feel awful right now. You’re allowed to feel angry and betrayed and crushed and all the other complicated love/hate feelings that happen after a rejection. And you’re allowed to wallow in those awful feelings and ask yourself "Why didn't he choose me?" and make a few unhealthy decisions if you need to for a little while. Go ahead and overeat or overdrink and cry with your BFF a couple nights.

Feeling pain is completely natural, and you’ll feel better sooner if you don’t ignore it. Just don’t hurt yourself or anybody else.




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What you’re not allowed to do is let this change who you are and stop your journey. You’re not allowed to wait around for him to possibly reverse his decision. You’re not allowed to try to make yourself more like her because you think his opinion means she’s better than you. You’re not allowed use this as an excuse to no longer hold your head high and live your life the way you deserve. You’re not allowed to let this one person’s personal preference define your sense of self.  

I know your heartbroken mind is desperately trying to convince you that his choice is a reflection of how unlovable you must be. Don’t let it lie to you.


His decision has absolutely no bearing on your worth at all.

It doesn’t mean she’s better than you because he picked her instead; it just means he thinks she’s a better fit for any number of reasons. His choice doesn’t make you less lovable or beautiful or intelligent. He doesn’t have that kind of authority; don’t give him that power.

All this means is that you weren’t meant to be matched with him. And one day, when this storm has passed and you’re enjoying a lifestyle that doesn’t involve him making you miserable with doubt, you’ll be able to be completely grateful for that, too. 

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Liz Pardue-Schultz is a writer and mental health advocate who writes about relationships and mental health. Her work has appeared in the Huffington Post, Time, and Thought Catalog.